no apologies, no regrets, doesn't always apply...
I've decided that I need to make an apology post, but it deserves a bit of explanation behind this as well...
I haven't been sleeping lately. Not just because of Dade not sleeping. I went through an entire bottle of pain killers in the last two weeks alone and my body is still aching. I broke out for the first time in nearly five years.
I didn't realize I was stressed until I took it out on everyone around me. And I know that isn't an excuse for the way I said the things I said, but it is the truth. And I hate to say it, but I also don't know when things will change. Because I didn't know I was stressed until I snapped and broke down crying for that last two days (coming from the girl that hardly ever cries), I can't fix it if I don't know what caused it.
School starts on tuesday. I have a major doctor's appointment that day, so on wednesday, when my schedule clears up a little bit, I'm going to be attempting an appointment with the school counselor to find out what's wrong. Not only am I hoping they can help me pinpoint what happened, but also refer me to the free mental health clinic I have so far been unable to find on my own. That way I can finally get a prescription for the much needed lithium. If anything, the prescription I get on tuesday should help a bit if I can afford it after how much it's going to cost me to see a doctor without insurance.
I do realize that the things I have said to people came out harsh. The reality is, I in no way meant to hurt anyone with the things I said, but I seem to have. I am a generally blunt person. I tell it like it is and a lot of people don't like that. It's just the kind of person I am, and I can't change that. I have tried to keep things to myself, but it never works. You can never be willing to change if people are afraid to tell you the truth.
I do become more blunt when I feel that I have dealt with a situation several times. I don't like to be asked for advice and constantly have my advice thrown out the window. I don't like offering words of experience to someone that is too closed minded to understand it and apply it in a way that best helps them. I don't like being there for people that expect others to drop everything for them.
Yes, I am being blunt again. I have enough going on in my life without making time for everyone else at my own expense. You have a give a little to get a little. I don't expect coddling. I don't expect people to be there for me, to give me a shoulder to cry on. I don't ask for it. My mom raised me to depend on myself and only myself. It makes us too proud to ask for help, but it also makes us strong. I'm sorry if I can't understand when someone is dependant on others to support them.
There are few that still get my ear when they need someone to listen. Few that get my shoulder when they need someone to cry with. And few that get all of me when they need someone to carry them through. Those people have learned that what I need is patience and understanding. People that understand that I have a life too and that even if I don't say something is wrong...there just might be something wrong thats keeping me closed off.
I'm guarded. To extremes. It's hard for me to let my guard down. The biggest problem though is when my walls are constantly tested. And the more and more strain that's throw against them, the more high strung I become.
I will lash out. I will regret it. And I will be sorry.
And I am.
I am sorry for all the people I may have hurt my lashing out in my time of high stress.
If I would have taken the initiative and realized how stressed out I really was, I would have stepped back before it ever went that far. But those are the moments when we get tunnel vision and can't see the whole picture.
I am taking a hiatus until next saturday. With Dade's birthday party, him leaving for two weeks, and school starting,I do know my stress level is going to increase dramatically. This hiatus is me stepping back to avoid more conflicts.
I have the strength to admit when I've done something wrong. And I have.
But this is also who I've always been. It's not going to change. I will always be blunt. I will always be straight-forward. I will always be challenging. And I will always push my boundaries.
But I will also take time to sort myself out. And I will also apologise for pushing too far.
With that said...this is me signing off for the next week. I'll be around, but don't depend on it. IM me at your own risk if you dare. But I just needed to get this off my mind before I go.
This next month is going to be the hardest I've gone through yet. Everyone needs time. Time to heal and time to grow and time to just be who they are. This is mine.
See you in a week.
-Elle
p.s. One last thing... I've had my blckamthyststar account since May of 2004. Over a year longer than I've been in fandom. That journal has always and will always be my personal journal. That journal has always been and will always remain public. I don't intend to f-lock it. I don't intend to turn my comments off. Because I don't care if anyone reads it or not.
However...the things I write in that journal are my personal thoughts. That is my space. I don't go around on people's journals and bad mouth on their own personal posts. I don't disgracefully comment on things that have no issue with me. And I would appreciate it if people would show my journal that same respect.
I write in that journal with anonymous rants. My number one rule has always been to never assume. If you think you know what I'm ranting about, then you're either lucky enough to hear me rant personally, or you made a good guess. Regardless, there is always a chance that you're wrong. If you think a rant is about you, rather than assume it is and bitch me out...either ask me for confirmation or read between the lines and understand me when I'm raw, understand what upset me. Don't rip into me and make me more raw.
I may not be the only one that thinks that about someone or something...I may just be the only one willing to rant where people can read it when they choose to. It takes a lot to set me off enough to rant the way I do. So if I'm ranting...it's a good guess that someone else feels the same about my rant. Makes you wonder what other people hide from you, doesn't it?
When I say it's difficult for me to open up, I mean it. That journal is my only place to let out my agressions safely and to say the things that I normally can't say anywhere else. So don't disrespect that. I wouldn't do it to you, so don't do it to me. That's all I ask.
/mini rant
I haven't been sleeping lately. Not just because of Dade not sleeping. I went through an entire bottle of pain killers in the last two weeks alone and my body is still aching. I broke out for the first time in nearly five years.
I didn't realize I was stressed until I took it out on everyone around me. And I know that isn't an excuse for the way I said the things I said, but it is the truth. And I hate to say it, but I also don't know when things will change. Because I didn't know I was stressed until I snapped and broke down crying for that last two days (coming from the girl that hardly ever cries), I can't fix it if I don't know what caused it.
School starts on tuesday. I have a major doctor's appointment that day, so on wednesday, when my schedule clears up a little bit, I'm going to be attempting an appointment with the school counselor to find out what's wrong. Not only am I hoping they can help me pinpoint what happened, but also refer me to the free mental health clinic I have so far been unable to find on my own. That way I can finally get a prescription for the much needed lithium. If anything, the prescription I get on tuesday should help a bit if I can afford it after how much it's going to cost me to see a doctor without insurance.
I do realize that the things I have said to people came out harsh. The reality is, I in no way meant to hurt anyone with the things I said, but I seem to have. I am a generally blunt person. I tell it like it is and a lot of people don't like that. It's just the kind of person I am, and I can't change that. I have tried to keep things to myself, but it never works. You can never be willing to change if people are afraid to tell you the truth.
I do become more blunt when I feel that I have dealt with a situation several times. I don't like to be asked for advice and constantly have my advice thrown out the window. I don't like offering words of experience to someone that is too closed minded to understand it and apply it in a way that best helps them. I don't like being there for people that expect others to drop everything for them.
Yes, I am being blunt again. I have enough going on in my life without making time for everyone else at my own expense. You have a give a little to get a little. I don't expect coddling. I don't expect people to be there for me, to give me a shoulder to cry on. I don't ask for it. My mom raised me to depend on myself and only myself. It makes us too proud to ask for help, but it also makes us strong. I'm sorry if I can't understand when someone is dependant on others to support them.
There are few that still get my ear when they need someone to listen. Few that get my shoulder when they need someone to cry with. And few that get all of me when they need someone to carry them through. Those people have learned that what I need is patience and understanding. People that understand that I have a life too and that even if I don't say something is wrong...there just might be something wrong thats keeping me closed off.
I'm guarded. To extremes. It's hard for me to let my guard down. The biggest problem though is when my walls are constantly tested. And the more and more strain that's throw against them, the more high strung I become.
I will lash out. I will regret it. And I will be sorry.
And I am.
I am sorry for all the people I may have hurt my lashing out in my time of high stress.
If I would have taken the initiative and realized how stressed out I really was, I would have stepped back before it ever went that far. But those are the moments when we get tunnel vision and can't see the whole picture.
I am taking a hiatus until next saturday. With Dade's birthday party, him leaving for two weeks, and school starting,I do know my stress level is going to increase dramatically. This hiatus is me stepping back to avoid more conflicts.
I have the strength to admit when I've done something wrong. And I have.
But this is also who I've always been. It's not going to change. I will always be blunt. I will always be straight-forward. I will always be challenging. And I will always push my boundaries.
But I will also take time to sort myself out. And I will also apologise for pushing too far.
With that said...this is me signing off for the next week. I'll be around, but don't depend on it. IM me at your own risk if you dare. But I just needed to get this off my mind before I go.
This next month is going to be the hardest I've gone through yet. Everyone needs time. Time to heal and time to grow and time to just be who they are. This is mine.
See you in a week.
-Elle
p.s. One last thing... I've had my blckamthyststar account since May of 2004. Over a year longer than I've been in fandom. That journal has always and will always be my personal journal. That journal has always been and will always remain public. I don't intend to f-lock it. I don't intend to turn my comments off. Because I don't care if anyone reads it or not.
However...the things I write in that journal are my personal thoughts. That is my space. I don't go around on people's journals and bad mouth on their own personal posts. I don't disgracefully comment on things that have no issue with me. And I would appreciate it if people would show my journal that same respect.
I write in that journal with anonymous rants. My number one rule has always been to never assume. If you think you know what I'm ranting about, then you're either lucky enough to hear me rant personally, or you made a good guess. Regardless, there is always a chance that you're wrong. If you think a rant is about you, rather than assume it is and bitch me out...either ask me for confirmation or read between the lines and understand me when I'm raw, understand what upset me. Don't rip into me and make me more raw.
I may not be the only one that thinks that about someone or something...I may just be the only one willing to rant where people can read it when they choose to. It takes a lot to set me off enough to rant the way I do. So if I'm ranting...it's a good guess that someone else feels the same about my rant. Makes you wonder what other people hide from you, doesn't it?
When I say it's difficult for me to open up, I mean it. That journal is my only place to let out my agressions safely and to say the things that I normally can't say anywhere else. So don't disrespect that. I wouldn't do it to you, so don't do it to me. That's all I ask.
/mini rant