Volume Four: Adventures.
I knew I said I'd try and break this habit, but you guys know how much I love attention. You bottle stuff up long enough, and there's an outpouring.
There's nothing like watching a blood moon to inspire you. I went and said my farewells to one of my very best friends in the entire world last night, probably the person in the whole world to whom I am closest to. I can finish her sentences; she understands what I'm talking about when no other person really understands what goes on in my head. It's not the end of our friendship, but it's the end of a stage in my life. For the next six months, I won't have that rock, a person to whom I can turn in any situation, trivial or desperate. I personally believe that some things are going to come to a head in a few months, and Trang is the one person in the entire world whom I am not afraid will judge me harshly - she is my implacable wall of moral support, I'm sad that I'm losing her, but it's going to be an adventure.
There's a comic at http://xkcd.com/308/. Honestly, I think a bigger curse would be that a lead a boring life. I want my life to be of limitless adventure. I want to be able to tell my grandkids about my life and exploits and I don't want them to be bored. I'm not going to be Indiana Jones, John McClane or Dirk Pitt, but I think there's a quiet majesty in leading a life more than ordinary. To chase love, to dare to dream, to dance like there's no one watching - that's the kind of life I want to lead. That happy little bubble I've had since my birthday has yet to burst, and I am surrounded by people who love me, and I hope will one day love me. These people are the crutches that help me walk; my compass when I'm lost; my rainbows in the dark. This semester, I have new friends and old, and everyday I think I carve myself more and more into a niche that I'm exceptionally comfortable with. There are still the same old worries about what happens next, about getting in too deep, about striking out once again, but I have people I can go to, friends who'll help me. When the going gets tough, Matt heads for higher ground and learns to fly again. The only way I'll learn properly is if I jump higher and higher every time. Maybe that's why so many recent developments, especially when it comes to my family, haven't really hit me the way they should have. I feel bulletproof, I feel as if could have spread my wings and done a thousand things. I found the thing I've been missing all these years, and I found myself in doing it. And so I can sit and stare at the blood moon and wonder what will happen in the nineteen years till the next one, and be quite content that whatever happens will happen. Mark Twain said he spent his whole life worrying about things that never actually happened, and I think that's something that's always happened to me. In nineteen years I could be dead and buried, I could have a family of five, I could still be chasing an April weekend that was never really real anyway. I could be a film producer, Gatsby or a hard bitten alcoholic womanizer. None of that keeps me awake anymore. I have friends. True, some have fallen by the wayside; some don't always deserve the forgiveness I give unconditionally. I guess one day I'll have to face up the fact that people like me. ^_^ I still dream of cages, where I can't breathe, and all I want to do is jump. I still dream of being less than worthy of the grace god has chosen to bestow on me. Some people spend their whole lives searching for self actualization. Mine is a heartbeat away, I think, and I want to see how it ends.