Everything I Ever Needed - Chapter Two
Title: Everything I Ever Needed
Author/Artist: cindyls1969
Rating: Nc-17
Disclaimer: If I owned Luke and Noah things would have turned out much different, but I don't
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Noah, Ethan, Lily/Holden, Emma, Reid Oliver
Word Count: 22,520
Warnings: Violence, explicit sex,
Summary: please see the original prompt...pretty much the summary
Author’s Notes: Thank you so much to Dani for all the love and encouragement and Sally for betaing and reducing the amount of mistakes. Any that are left are mine. I hope the prompter is happy with what I came up with. It was a wonderful idea.
Original Prompt: PROMPT #18
The rest of the afternoon had been spent getting Noah settled in the spare room and getting a tour of the house. He and Ethan had played some games in Ethan’s room and then Noah had sat down to the first home-cooked meal he’d had in years. He was pretty sure that if there was a heaven on earth, it was in Emma’s kitchen.
In the evening he and Ethan had taken a hike around the farm. They’d bundled up and walked down to the pond before heading to the barn so Ethan could introduce him to the horses.
It was very cold but Noah found he didn’t mind. After the dry, never-ending desert the farm seemed like a snow-covered paradise. As the evening darkened, the snow sparkled in the porch light, making the whole yard look like another world.
The barn was warm and smelled like sweet hay and horses. Luke was there, standing at the side of a horse the color of chocolate and brushing him. He had his head close to the horse’s ear and seemed to be mumbling into its ear as he worked.
The only light in the large room came from a single light that hung from the ceiling. It must have been a lower wattage bulb because the glow it cast was soft and almost didn’t reach to where Luke was standing. It was the first time in the hours since Noah’s arrival that he had seen Luke completely relaxed.
The horse was obviously enjoying Luke’s attention and Noah couldn’t blame it. Noah and Ethan had been quiet when they entered the barn and Ethan turned to him and put a finger to his lips, and Noah nodded. They both stood and watched, both entranced with Luke and the horse but for totally different reasons.
There was something so sweet and innocent about the other man and it seemed to be trying to light up the dark that had lodged itself deep inside Noah. He couldn’t understand how anyone could look at Luke and find it in themselves to hurt him.
The horse shook his head and then nudged his nose into Luke chest, giving him a small push backward. Luke laughed softly and it was absolutely something that Noah needed to hear more of.
The horse gave Luke another shove and he would have been fine except he stumbled over the handle of a broom that had fallen to the floor. Noah saw it happening and moved quickly, catching Luke around the waist before he could hit the ground.
Noah heard him cry out and felt him stiffen in his arms but before either of them could say anything, Ethan was there, looking up at Luke with face full of worry.
“You okay Luke?” he reached out and grabbed his brother’s hand and Noah could feel Luke relaxing against him.
“I’m okay buddy.” Luke turned his head to look up at Noah and smiled shyly. “Thanks Noah. It’s been a long time since anyone stopped me from falling.”
It took everything Noah had to not just pull Luke close and keep him protected and safe forever.
“No problem.” He helped Luke straightened up and then reluctantly pulled away. “So, this is the famous Magic I take it?”
Luke nodded and reached up to pat the horse’s nose. “Yeah, she’s my girl.” There was pride in Luke’s voice and Noah could see why.
“She’s beautiful.” Magic nickered at the sound of Noah’s voice and pushed her nose toward him. He patted it carefully, surprised at how soft it was.
“Noah, look! She likes you. She never lets anyone pet her face but Luke.” Ethan’s face was full of wonder and Noah couldn’t help but smile. Seems like all the Snyder sons were meant to captivate his heart.
“I’m sure it’s only because Luke is right here. She obviously adores him.” He looked down at Luke and watched how he blushed at Noah’s words. It would be easy to adore him.
Luke opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by the door to the barn opening. Holden walked in and stomped the snow off his feet before walking over to join them.
“Looks like you passed the Magic test, Noah. Only Luke and Nat have ever been able to do that.” There was more approval in Holden’s words than Noah was expecting but before he could ask about it, Holden looked at Ethan. “Your mom wants you in the house, little man. It’s almost time for bed.”
Ethan groaned but didn’t argue. Instead he turned to Noah. “Will you come and tuck me in? I know I’m kind of big for that, but it’s just for tonight, I promise.” He looked so hopeful that Noah couldn’t say no.
“I don’t think you’re ever too big to get tucked in.” He held out his hand. “Let’s go.”
Ethan grinned and took Noah’s hand before starting to pull him toward the door. He stopped when he reached it and Noah could see that Ethan was considering something before he spoke. He turned back to look at his brother. “Will you come too Luke?”
Luke looked surprised but nodded quickly. “Sure bud. Just let me clean up in here.” Noah could see that Luke was reluctant to go with them and couldn’t figure out why until the other man took a few steps toward the stall door to open it.
For the first time, Noah realized that Luke walked with a limp. It wasn’t pronounced but it was definitely there. He smiled at him and then pulled on Ethan’s hand to get his attention. “Come on sport. Let’s get in the house so your mom doesn’t get mad. Luke can finish up while you get ready for bed.” He looked up at Luke for confirmation.
“Yeah, go get ready and when I come in, I’ll grab a couple of my comics for you to read, okay?”
Ethan looked ready to argue but Noah stopped him by reaching for the door handle. “Let’s hurry and maybe we will have time to look at some of my pictures.” Ethan had been eyeing Noah’s photo albums earlier after he spotted them when Noah had been unpacking.
The boy’s eyes lit up. “Really? I can see them?”
Noah nodded. “Yep, but only if you hurry.”
Ethan looked back at his brother once more before sighing and agreeing. “Okay. But don’t be long, okay Luke?”
Luke smiled at him. “I won’t. Cross my heart.”
Noah found it adorable that Luke drew a cross over his heart with one finger.
Ethan seemed to find the promise acceptable and hurried through the door when Noah opened it. Sneaking a glance at Luke as he left, he could see gratitude in the younger man’s eyes. It broke Noah’s heart that such a small kindness would surprise Luke and he silently cursed that man who had damaged him so much.
The door swung shut behind them and they tramped through the snow to the house, Ethan chattered away, completely unaware of the thoughts running through Noah’s head.
Finding himself attracted to Luke wasn’t much of a surprise to Noah. The man was beautiful. His dark blond hair looked silky and fell softly over his eyes. When he was nervous, Luke had a tendency to play with his hair, usually by tucking it back behind his ear, making Noah want to nuzzle into the tender skin it exposed.
What did surprise Noah was that found Luke’s vulnerability and shy sweetness to be the biggest part of the attraction he felt for him. Once he’d accepted that he was gay and had stopped fighting his feelings, Noah had always been attracted to bigger men. One of the things he liked about sex with men was the fact that he didn’t feel like he had to be so careful and he could let his more animalistic side take over.
But he wanted to be careful with Luke. He didn’t think Luke was weak. He’d been through a lot and survived and that took a lot of strength. Luke had an awesome family that loved and supported him and rationally Noah knew that Luke didn’t really need someone else to take care of him.
But rational thought didn’t really seem to matter to Noah where Luke was concerned.
Everything about Luke brought out something intensely protective in Noah and it wasn’t an emotion he was used to feeling. It made him feel like he needed to give Luke something that was as beautiful as he was.
Once they were in the house, Ethan quickly brushed his teeth and got into his pajamas while Noah went and got one of his photo albums out of his suitcase.
They were sitting on Ethan’s bed looking through the pictures when Luke came in the room, comics in hand. He had dark circles under his eyes and he was obviously tired, but he smiled happily as he took in Noah and Ethan together.
Noah thought about getting up and offering Luke his seat, but held back, not wanting to offend him. He tried not to stare at Luke moved around the bed and sat on the other side of Ethan, instinctively knowing that Luke would assume that Noah was staring at the limp, not him.
“What are you guys looking at?” Luke looked down at the book in Ethan’s hands and Noah smiled as Ethan launched into a description of all the pictures he’d seen so far. He was amazed at how much the boy had managed to memorize after going through them just once.
They sat with Ethan for a few more minutes, Noah answering questions when asked but otherwise happy to watch the brothers interact. He could see how hard Ethan was trying to make Luke smile with silly faces and he felt a little like an intruder until Ethan leaned his head on Noah’s shoulder when he started getting sleepier.
“Okay, buddy, time to get some shut-eye.” Luke stood and started maneuvering Ethan down the bed, ignoring his sleepy protests. “I’ll leave the comics here on your nightstand for you to read in the morning.”
Noah helped Luke get him tucked in and grinned as he watched Luke hug Ethan tightly.
“Can I have a hug Noah?” Ethan’s soft request was impossible to resist so he didn’t even try.
“Yep, I’d love another hug.” Leaning in, he let Ethan wrap both skinny arms around his neck and hold him tight. He was pulling away when Ethan whispered in his ear.
“You should give Luke a hug. I think he’d like one from you.” Noah looked into Ethan’s face but there was no guile there, just an honest wish to help his brother.
Noah smiled and patted Ethan’s shoulder before gently pushing him down and pulling up the covers. “Night Ethan.”
“Night Noah. Night Luke.” Ethan yawned and turned onto his side. “Sweet dreams.”
Luke smiled at the childish wish, but the words made Noah frown. As he thought about the dreams he’d been having in the last few weeks, he knew there wouldn’t be anything sweet about them for a long time to come.
Fortunately, Ethan had already drifted off and Luke beckoned him from the doorway. Noah nodded and followed him out, closing the door quietly.
Noah looked down at Luke, his hands itching to reach out and touch. “I guess I’ll go to bed.”
Luke blushed nodded. “Yeah, me too. Night Noah.”
Noah tucked his hands into the back pockets of his jeans to make them behave and smiled. “Night Luke.”
He turned to go but turned back when Luke called his name softly.
“Noah? I’m glad you came. It means a lot to Ethan-to my whole family actually. You kept your word.” He looked up at Noah through his bangs and Noah thought he could see a scar under them. It was hard to keep his hands from pushing Luke’s hair back to see.
“Are you glad I came, Luke?” It wasn’t what he meant to ask.
Luke bit his lip and sighed before answering. “Yeah. I think I am.”
He looked almost terrified at his own words and Noah couldn’t help but reach up and gently tuck a lock of hair back behind Luke’s ear. He flinched but didn’t pull away from Noah’s touch.
“I think I’m glad too.” He let his knuckles carefully brush over Luke’s cheek before pulling back. “See you tomorrow.”
Luke didn’t say anything, just smiled shyly and turned to walk down the hall. He looked back once before disappearing into his room and Noah waited until his door was closed before heading down to the guest room to try and get some sleep.
~~**~~
Four hours later it was 1am and Noah was wide awake. It was something he was becoming used to. When you were deployed, you learned to sleep when you got the chance and he’d perfected the art of falling into bed, completely exhausted and sleeping till morning. Except on those days when there was nothing to do. Those were the start of his sleepless nights.
Since he’d made his way back to the States, sleep had become something of a novelty. He had spent a few weeks on base until his paperwork had cleared before mustering out, and the lack of hard work meant more time to think-and remember.
It was the memories that were stealing his sleep. The things he’d seen and done in the name of duty ran in a constant loop behind his eyes when they were closed. Sometimes the memories were so vivid that they brought the smell of blood and smoke and unwashed bodies with them. On those nights he usually found himself hunched over the toilet, dry heaving as he tried the will the remembered stench of death from his nose.
Fortunately, this wasn’t one of those nights.
After turning over for the umpteenth time, he gave up trying to sleep and decided to go to the kitchen and make a glass of warm milk or something.
He wandered to the kitchen as quietly as he could, not wanting to disturb anyone else’s peaceful slumber. Making his way to the fridge, he opened it up and grabbed the milk. As he stood there in the dark trying to decide if he should heat it in the microwave or not, he heard someone else coming down the hall.
Noah was suddenly aware that he was wearing nothing but his pajama pants while standing in a stranger’s kitchen. He put the milk down, intending to slip back to his room for a shirt, when Luke came into view.
The only light in the room was from the moon shining in the window but that was enough to see Luke’s red-rimmed eyes.
Luke had been crying and the look on his face was almost enough to break Noah’s heart.
“Luke, what happened? Are you okay?” He hadn’t meant to startle Luke and felt bad when the other man looked up at him with fearful eyes before recognizing him and relaxing a little. Noah wanted to go over to Luke and hug him tightly, but he didn’t know if he’d be welcome in Luke’s personal space.
Luke sniffed and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand before answering. “Yeah, I’m okay. Just having a hard time sleeping.”
Noah nodded. “Me too.” He picked the milk up off the counter and gestured toward Luke. “Want some warm milk.”
Luke grimaced and then smiled at him. “That’s really kind of gross. How about some of grandma’s sleepytime tea instead?”
“Actually, that’s sounds good.” He put the milk back in the fridge and watched Luke limp over to the counter and open one of the cupboards. Noah was surprised when he pulled out a glass jar instead of a small box.
“Grandma puts it together herself. It’s a bunch of herbs and other stuff, and it actually tastes pretty good.” Luke walked over and grabbed the kettle from the gas stove and filled it before setting it on the burner and turning the dial to light. It only took a couple of clicks before the flame lit and Luke left the water to boil as he walked over to another cupboard to pull out two big coffee mugs.
“So, why can’t you sleep?” Luke’s voice was a little rough, another indication that he’d been crying.
Noah shrugged. “Can’t stop thinking, I guess. Too many memories wandering around in my brain.” He paused and tried to decide how much to say. “Mostly bad ones.”
Luke snorted. “Yeah, I know how that is.” He opened a drawer and pawed through until he finally came up with two metal tea infusers. After filling them with the crushed herbs and spices, Luke put them in the coffee mugs. “I have the same problem.”
Luke’s voice wasn’t much more than a whisper and it made Noah want to get up and gather him into his arms.
“I figured. Wanna tell me about it?” He held his breath as he waited for Luke’s response. It was still dark in the kitchen and Noah almost wished he’d turned a light on so he could really see the expressions on Luke’s face.
Luke shook his head. “No.” He sighed and took a deep breath. “Yes.” He sighed again. “I don’t know. Talking about it always makes me feel so stupid again.”
Noah got up and approached him cautiously. “Why would you feel stupid?”
“Because I let my boyfriend beat me up for over a year and was too weak to stop him? Doesn’t that sound stupid to you?” Luke sounded miserable.
The sound of the kettle starting to whistle interrupted Noah’s answer and he waited for Luke to turn it off and pour the hot water into the mugs before continuing.
“Yeah, I suppose it was kind of stupid. But then again, so is jumping into a burning building against orders to try and save a kid who’d just taken a shot at me.”
Even in the dim light, Noah could see Luke’s eyes widen. “You did that?”
Noah nodded. “Yeah. My CO was kind of pissed.”
“Did you save him?”
“No.” Noah’s hands curled into fists at his side at the memory of the young boy’s body.
The first tentative touch of Luke’s hand on his cheek almost made Noah jump. “I’m sorry. That must have been terrible.”
Noah let himself briefly lean into the touch before pulling away. “It was.” He tried to swallow the lump in his throat before continuing. “So, can I ask why you stayed? You had an awesome family to come home to.”
Luke turned away and let his hair fall over his eyes as he busied himself with making the tea. “The first time he hit me was in the middle of a big fight. He was older than me and a doctor. I was mad because he wouldn’t come with me to Faith’s birthday party. It was a Saturday and he had the day off and I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t go with me.”
When the tea was finished, Luke handed a mug to Noah and then walked over to sit down at the table. Noah sat across from him and waited.
“I was being a brat, refusing to let it go like I always had before.” He looked down at the table. “It was my fault-“
Noah reached over and gently put his hand over Luke’s. “No Luke. Whatever you said, if he hurt you, that’s on him, not you.”
Luke lifted his eyes and once again Noah was taken aback by how beautiful he was. “Everyone keeps telling me that. But it’s not how it feels.”
Noah smiled softly. “I know. It’s going to take time for you to believe it. It’s in our nature to blame ourselves I think.”
Luke turned his hand and curled his fingers around Noah’s before continuing. “To this day, I’m so shocked when I think about it. One second he was standing with his back to me, telling me what a whiny bitch I was and the next second he turned and backhanded me across the face so hard I fell.”
Luke smiled grimly. “For a second he looked as shocked as I felt and then he started yelling again, telling me it was my fault and that I needed to learn when to shut up. I was so dazed and confused that I just sat there holding my cheek until he walked out of the apartment and slammed the door.”
Noah squeezed Luke’s fingers encouragingly. “Then what happened?”
Shrugging, Luke dropped his gaze back to the table. “I got up and went to the bedroom, intending to pack my bags and leave, but when I got there, I glanced in the mirror on the dresser and I could see a huge bruise on my cheek and I imagined having to come to grandma’s looking that way. I knew my whole family would be here for the party and I didn’t want them to see me like that.” Luke’s voice all but faded out. “I was ashamed.”
Noah slipped to his knees in front of Luke and used his free hand to lift the other man’s chin. “You have nothing to be ashamed of.” Noah knew that whatever he said, Luke was going to have to come to that conclusion all by himself.
“But I stayed. I sat there on the bed until he came home two hours later with flowers and I let him apologize and promise to never let it happen again and I believed him. And I kept on believing him and defending him to my family every time it happened, right up until the day he threw me down the stairs in our apartment building.”
The anguish on Luke’s face was almost more than Noah could take.
“I dream about it you know. It’s why I can’t sleep. He just reached out as he walked past me and grabbed my shirt. He hated it because my best friend Casey gave it to me, but I loved it.” Luke’s breath hitched in his chest. “I’d meant to take it off before he got home but I was running late and forgot. I was trying to get to work on time and met him at the top of the stairs. He took one look at me and before I could say anything, he grabbed my shirt and used my own momentum against me as he threw me down the stairs.”
Tears fell down Luke’s face and as he cried, he allowed Noah to put an arm around his waist and pull him close.
“I screamed as I started to fall and apparently our neighbor came out of her apartment to investigate and found him looking down at me as he called 911. They cut that shirt off of me at the hospital.” Luke’s hands felt cold as they pressed against Noah’s chest.
“I stayed because I’m stupid and even though everyone knew what was going on, I fooled myself into believing that if I never admitted it, it wasn’t really as bad as everyone thought.”
Noah rubbed his hand up and down Luke’s back as he held him. “You’re not stupid, even if some of your choices were. You loved him and he took advantage of that.” Pushing Luke away a little, he once again lifted his chin and looked him in the eye.
“If anyone is stupid it’s him for not realizing what he had in you. If someone loves you, they should be treasured, not abused.” Luke looked at him for a moment before nodding.
“I know you’re right, but it doesn’t make me feel any better about what I let him do.” Luke was completely relaxed in Noah’s arms, and Noah couldn’t resist gently pulling him closer and tucking him under his chin.
“I think that’s probably just going to take some time, Luke.” He wished he had something better to say, but he didn’t. The only one who could make Luke truly feel better was Luke, when he forgave himself.
Luke nodded but didn’t say anything else. He sat quietly for a few minutes and Noah just enjoyed the feeling of being close to him.
When Luke started to yawn, Noah gently pulled away and sat back on his own chair. “We’d better finish this tea and then head to bed. I might be able to sleep now.”
Luke picked up his cup and sipped the tea. “Yeah, I might be able to as well.” He blushed and ducked his head. “Thanks for listening to me. It did make me feel better.” He took another sip before continuing. “Maybe I should talk to that therapist my parents keep bugging me about.”
Noah picked up his cup and tasted the tea before answering. “Might be a good idea…for both of us.”
Luke smiled up at him shyly and the need to have him back in his arms almost overwhelmed Noah. He drained his cup and watched as Luke did the same before getting up and taking both their cups to the sink. After making sure everything was tidy, he turned back to look at Luke.
The other man was almost asleep on his chair and looked completely adorable. He walked over and put a hand on Luke’s shoulder. “Come on, time for you to get up to bed I think.”
Luke nodded wearily. “Yeah, I think you’re right.” He got up off the chair and shuffled his way to the kitchen door.
“Night Luke. Hope you have sweet dreams now.” Noah watched as Luke stopped and took a deep breath. Turning around, he quickly limped back to Noah, throwing his arms around Noah’s waist and hugging him tightly before letting go and hurrying from the kitchen without another word.
Noah watched him go and then turned back to make sure everything was as Emma left it. He was startled when Holden spoke to him from the darkened hallway.
“That was more than I’ve gotten him to say in almost a year.”
Noah shrugged. “Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger, especially in the dark.”
Holden moved forward a little until Noah could see him in the moonlight coming in the window. “I know, but thanks anyway. Between the talking and the fact that he let you touch him without flinching, it was almost a middle-of-the-night miracle.”
Noah couldn’t help the blush he felt rising in his face.
“He feels safe with you. It’s not something I thought I would get to see again, so thank you.” There was a question that Noah could see in Holden’s eyes, but he wasn’t ready to answer it yet.
“He should have never been made to feel afraid.” The thought of Luke cowering in front of anyone made Noah feel sick with anger. “What happened to the asshole?”
Holden sighed and shook his head. “Luke didn’t want a trial, so he let Reid plead guilty to a lesser charge. The guy was given probation and a restraining order. So far he’s stayed away, but I think it’s because of a little chat him and I had about my shotgun.”
Noah grinned. “I like the way you think Holden.”
Holden smiled back and then opened his mouth to speak before shutting it with an audible click. Noah could see he was debating on whether or not to say something and it made Noah very curious.
“What’s on your mind?”
“I’m just wondering…” He trailed off for a moment and Noah could see the moment he decided to take the plunge. “I’m hoping you’ll stay for a while…at least until after Christmas. I think you’re good for Luke to have around and he’s obviously more comfortable around you than anyone except maybe Ethan these days.”
Holden walked over and sat down at the table. He scrubbed his hands over his face and then dropped them into his lap. “Ethan adores you and the women in the family would adopt you in a heartbeat.”
Noah snorted in amusement. He knew that Holden was right about that one.
“I know you and your dad don’t get along, and I’m sorry about that. If it’s any consolation, I think he’s an idiot for not proudly standing beside a son like you.” Noah could feel his throat constricting at the kind words.
“I know it’s a lot to ask, Noah but I’d ask anything to help anyone in my family. And if you stay, that would include you.” Noah could see how much it was costing Holden to keep talking.
“I guess I just hope that you’ll truly consider making Oakdale your home for a while. I think it would be beneficial all the way round.” He looked up at Noah hopefully and Noah didn’t know what to say.
“I’ll think about it, I promise. But if I do, I can’t stay here. I need my own space and I think moving in with your wonderfully crazy family might be a bit much for me yet.” He paused, swallowing before continuing. “I have some issues that need to be worked out too. I’m not sure you’re really aware of who I am.”
Holden stood up and walked over to Noah, putting a comforting hand on his arm. “Actually, I think I know what I need to. And as for you having issues…well…we all have of some of those. Time will help deal with those too.”
He patted Noah’s arm and smiled at him before walking away, leaving a very confused but hopeful Noah standing alone in a dark kitchen.
Chapter Three
Author/Artist: cindyls1969
Rating: Nc-17
Disclaimer: If I owned Luke and Noah things would have turned out much different, but I don't
Characters/Pairings: Luke/Noah, Ethan, Lily/Holden, Emma, Reid Oliver
Word Count: 22,520
Warnings: Violence, explicit sex,
Summary: please see the original prompt...pretty much the summary
Author’s Notes: Thank you so much to Dani for all the love and encouragement and Sally for betaing and reducing the amount of mistakes. Any that are left are mine. I hope the prompter is happy with what I came up with. It was a wonderful idea.
Original Prompt: PROMPT #18
The rest of the afternoon had been spent getting Noah settled in the spare room and getting a tour of the house. He and Ethan had played some games in Ethan’s room and then Noah had sat down to the first home-cooked meal he’d had in years. He was pretty sure that if there was a heaven on earth, it was in Emma’s kitchen.
In the evening he and Ethan had taken a hike around the farm. They’d bundled up and walked down to the pond before heading to the barn so Ethan could introduce him to the horses.
It was very cold but Noah found he didn’t mind. After the dry, never-ending desert the farm seemed like a snow-covered paradise. As the evening darkened, the snow sparkled in the porch light, making the whole yard look like another world.
The barn was warm and smelled like sweet hay and horses. Luke was there, standing at the side of a horse the color of chocolate and brushing him. He had his head close to the horse’s ear and seemed to be mumbling into its ear as he worked.
The only light in the large room came from a single light that hung from the ceiling. It must have been a lower wattage bulb because the glow it cast was soft and almost didn’t reach to where Luke was standing. It was the first time in the hours since Noah’s arrival that he had seen Luke completely relaxed.
The horse was obviously enjoying Luke’s attention and Noah couldn’t blame it. Noah and Ethan had been quiet when they entered the barn and Ethan turned to him and put a finger to his lips, and Noah nodded. They both stood and watched, both entranced with Luke and the horse but for totally different reasons.
There was something so sweet and innocent about the other man and it seemed to be trying to light up the dark that had lodged itself deep inside Noah. He couldn’t understand how anyone could look at Luke and find it in themselves to hurt him.
The horse shook his head and then nudged his nose into Luke chest, giving him a small push backward. Luke laughed softly and it was absolutely something that Noah needed to hear more of.
The horse gave Luke another shove and he would have been fine except he stumbled over the handle of a broom that had fallen to the floor. Noah saw it happening and moved quickly, catching Luke around the waist before he could hit the ground.
Noah heard him cry out and felt him stiffen in his arms but before either of them could say anything, Ethan was there, looking up at Luke with face full of worry.
“You okay Luke?” he reached out and grabbed his brother’s hand and Noah could feel Luke relaxing against him.
“I’m okay buddy.” Luke turned his head to look up at Noah and smiled shyly. “Thanks Noah. It’s been a long time since anyone stopped me from falling.”
It took everything Noah had to not just pull Luke close and keep him protected and safe forever.
“No problem.” He helped Luke straightened up and then reluctantly pulled away. “So, this is the famous Magic I take it?”
Luke nodded and reached up to pat the horse’s nose. “Yeah, she’s my girl.” There was pride in Luke’s voice and Noah could see why.
“She’s beautiful.” Magic nickered at the sound of Noah’s voice and pushed her nose toward him. He patted it carefully, surprised at how soft it was.
“Noah, look! She likes you. She never lets anyone pet her face but Luke.” Ethan’s face was full of wonder and Noah couldn’t help but smile. Seems like all the Snyder sons were meant to captivate his heart.
“I’m sure it’s only because Luke is right here. She obviously adores him.” He looked down at Luke and watched how he blushed at Noah’s words. It would be easy to adore him.
Luke opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted by the door to the barn opening. Holden walked in and stomped the snow off his feet before walking over to join them.
“Looks like you passed the Magic test, Noah. Only Luke and Nat have ever been able to do that.” There was more approval in Holden’s words than Noah was expecting but before he could ask about it, Holden looked at Ethan. “Your mom wants you in the house, little man. It’s almost time for bed.”
Ethan groaned but didn’t argue. Instead he turned to Noah. “Will you come and tuck me in? I know I’m kind of big for that, but it’s just for tonight, I promise.” He looked so hopeful that Noah couldn’t say no.
“I don’t think you’re ever too big to get tucked in.” He held out his hand. “Let’s go.”
Ethan grinned and took Noah’s hand before starting to pull him toward the door. He stopped when he reached it and Noah could see that Ethan was considering something before he spoke. He turned back to look at his brother. “Will you come too Luke?”
Luke looked surprised but nodded quickly. “Sure bud. Just let me clean up in here.” Noah could see that Luke was reluctant to go with them and couldn’t figure out why until the other man took a few steps toward the stall door to open it.
For the first time, Noah realized that Luke walked with a limp. It wasn’t pronounced but it was definitely there. He smiled at him and then pulled on Ethan’s hand to get his attention. “Come on sport. Let’s get in the house so your mom doesn’t get mad. Luke can finish up while you get ready for bed.” He looked up at Luke for confirmation.
“Yeah, go get ready and when I come in, I’ll grab a couple of my comics for you to read, okay?”
Ethan looked ready to argue but Noah stopped him by reaching for the door handle. “Let’s hurry and maybe we will have time to look at some of my pictures.” Ethan had been eyeing Noah’s photo albums earlier after he spotted them when Noah had been unpacking.
The boy’s eyes lit up. “Really? I can see them?”
Noah nodded. “Yep, but only if you hurry.”
Ethan looked back at his brother once more before sighing and agreeing. “Okay. But don’t be long, okay Luke?”
Luke smiled at him. “I won’t. Cross my heart.”
Noah found it adorable that Luke drew a cross over his heart with one finger.
Ethan seemed to find the promise acceptable and hurried through the door when Noah opened it. Sneaking a glance at Luke as he left, he could see gratitude in the younger man’s eyes. It broke Noah’s heart that such a small kindness would surprise Luke and he silently cursed that man who had damaged him so much.
The door swung shut behind them and they tramped through the snow to the house, Ethan chattered away, completely unaware of the thoughts running through Noah’s head.
Finding himself attracted to Luke wasn’t much of a surprise to Noah. The man was beautiful. His dark blond hair looked silky and fell softly over his eyes. When he was nervous, Luke had a tendency to play with his hair, usually by tucking it back behind his ear, making Noah want to nuzzle into the tender skin it exposed.
What did surprise Noah was that found Luke’s vulnerability and shy sweetness to be the biggest part of the attraction he felt for him. Once he’d accepted that he was gay and had stopped fighting his feelings, Noah had always been attracted to bigger men. One of the things he liked about sex with men was the fact that he didn’t feel like he had to be so careful and he could let his more animalistic side take over.
But he wanted to be careful with Luke. He didn’t think Luke was weak. He’d been through a lot and survived and that took a lot of strength. Luke had an awesome family that loved and supported him and rationally Noah knew that Luke didn’t really need someone else to take care of him.
But rational thought didn’t really seem to matter to Noah where Luke was concerned.
Everything about Luke brought out something intensely protective in Noah and it wasn’t an emotion he was used to feeling. It made him feel like he needed to give Luke something that was as beautiful as he was.
Once they were in the house, Ethan quickly brushed his teeth and got into his pajamas while Noah went and got one of his photo albums out of his suitcase.
They were sitting on Ethan’s bed looking through the pictures when Luke came in the room, comics in hand. He had dark circles under his eyes and he was obviously tired, but he smiled happily as he took in Noah and Ethan together.
Noah thought about getting up and offering Luke his seat, but held back, not wanting to offend him. He tried not to stare at Luke moved around the bed and sat on the other side of Ethan, instinctively knowing that Luke would assume that Noah was staring at the limp, not him.
“What are you guys looking at?” Luke looked down at the book in Ethan’s hands and Noah smiled as Ethan launched into a description of all the pictures he’d seen so far. He was amazed at how much the boy had managed to memorize after going through them just once.
They sat with Ethan for a few more minutes, Noah answering questions when asked but otherwise happy to watch the brothers interact. He could see how hard Ethan was trying to make Luke smile with silly faces and he felt a little like an intruder until Ethan leaned his head on Noah’s shoulder when he started getting sleepier.
“Okay, buddy, time to get some shut-eye.” Luke stood and started maneuvering Ethan down the bed, ignoring his sleepy protests. “I’ll leave the comics here on your nightstand for you to read in the morning.”
Noah helped Luke get him tucked in and grinned as he watched Luke hug Ethan tightly.
“Can I have a hug Noah?” Ethan’s soft request was impossible to resist so he didn’t even try.
“Yep, I’d love another hug.” Leaning in, he let Ethan wrap both skinny arms around his neck and hold him tight. He was pulling away when Ethan whispered in his ear.
“You should give Luke a hug. I think he’d like one from you.” Noah looked into Ethan’s face but there was no guile there, just an honest wish to help his brother.
Noah smiled and patted Ethan’s shoulder before gently pushing him down and pulling up the covers. “Night Ethan.”
“Night Noah. Night Luke.” Ethan yawned and turned onto his side. “Sweet dreams.”
Luke smiled at the childish wish, but the words made Noah frown. As he thought about the dreams he’d been having in the last few weeks, he knew there wouldn’t be anything sweet about them for a long time to come.
Fortunately, Ethan had already drifted off and Luke beckoned him from the doorway. Noah nodded and followed him out, closing the door quietly.
Noah looked down at Luke, his hands itching to reach out and touch. “I guess I’ll go to bed.”
Luke blushed nodded. “Yeah, me too. Night Noah.”
Noah tucked his hands into the back pockets of his jeans to make them behave and smiled. “Night Luke.”
He turned to go but turned back when Luke called his name softly.
“Noah? I’m glad you came. It means a lot to Ethan-to my whole family actually. You kept your word.” He looked up at Noah through his bangs and Noah thought he could see a scar under them. It was hard to keep his hands from pushing Luke’s hair back to see.
“Are you glad I came, Luke?” It wasn’t what he meant to ask.
Luke bit his lip and sighed before answering. “Yeah. I think I am.”
He looked almost terrified at his own words and Noah couldn’t help but reach up and gently tuck a lock of hair back behind Luke’s ear. He flinched but didn’t pull away from Noah’s touch.
“I think I’m glad too.” He let his knuckles carefully brush over Luke’s cheek before pulling back. “See you tomorrow.”
Luke didn’t say anything, just smiled shyly and turned to walk down the hall. He looked back once before disappearing into his room and Noah waited until his door was closed before heading down to the guest room to try and get some sleep.
~~**~~
Four hours later it was 1am and Noah was wide awake. It was something he was becoming used to. When you were deployed, you learned to sleep when you got the chance and he’d perfected the art of falling into bed, completely exhausted and sleeping till morning. Except on those days when there was nothing to do. Those were the start of his sleepless nights.
Since he’d made his way back to the States, sleep had become something of a novelty. He had spent a few weeks on base until his paperwork had cleared before mustering out, and the lack of hard work meant more time to think-and remember.
It was the memories that were stealing his sleep. The things he’d seen and done in the name of duty ran in a constant loop behind his eyes when they were closed. Sometimes the memories were so vivid that they brought the smell of blood and smoke and unwashed bodies with them. On those nights he usually found himself hunched over the toilet, dry heaving as he tried the will the remembered stench of death from his nose.
Fortunately, this wasn’t one of those nights.
After turning over for the umpteenth time, he gave up trying to sleep and decided to go to the kitchen and make a glass of warm milk or something.
He wandered to the kitchen as quietly as he could, not wanting to disturb anyone else’s peaceful slumber. Making his way to the fridge, he opened it up and grabbed the milk. As he stood there in the dark trying to decide if he should heat it in the microwave or not, he heard someone else coming down the hall.
Noah was suddenly aware that he was wearing nothing but his pajama pants while standing in a stranger’s kitchen. He put the milk down, intending to slip back to his room for a shirt, when Luke came into view.
The only light in the room was from the moon shining in the window but that was enough to see Luke’s red-rimmed eyes.
Luke had been crying and the look on his face was almost enough to break Noah’s heart.
“Luke, what happened? Are you okay?” He hadn’t meant to startle Luke and felt bad when the other man looked up at him with fearful eyes before recognizing him and relaxing a little. Noah wanted to go over to Luke and hug him tightly, but he didn’t know if he’d be welcome in Luke’s personal space.
Luke sniffed and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand before answering. “Yeah, I’m okay. Just having a hard time sleeping.”
Noah nodded. “Me too.” He picked the milk up off the counter and gestured toward Luke. “Want some warm milk.”
Luke grimaced and then smiled at him. “That’s really kind of gross. How about some of grandma’s sleepytime tea instead?”
“Actually, that’s sounds good.” He put the milk back in the fridge and watched Luke limp over to the counter and open one of the cupboards. Noah was surprised when he pulled out a glass jar instead of a small box.
“Grandma puts it together herself. It’s a bunch of herbs and other stuff, and it actually tastes pretty good.” Luke walked over and grabbed the kettle from the gas stove and filled it before setting it on the burner and turning the dial to light. It only took a couple of clicks before the flame lit and Luke left the water to boil as he walked over to another cupboard to pull out two big coffee mugs.
“So, why can’t you sleep?” Luke’s voice was a little rough, another indication that he’d been crying.
Noah shrugged. “Can’t stop thinking, I guess. Too many memories wandering around in my brain.” He paused and tried to decide how much to say. “Mostly bad ones.”
Luke snorted. “Yeah, I know how that is.” He opened a drawer and pawed through until he finally came up with two metal tea infusers. After filling them with the crushed herbs and spices, Luke put them in the coffee mugs. “I have the same problem.”
Luke’s voice wasn’t much more than a whisper and it made Noah want to get up and gather him into his arms.
“I figured. Wanna tell me about it?” He held his breath as he waited for Luke’s response. It was still dark in the kitchen and Noah almost wished he’d turned a light on so he could really see the expressions on Luke’s face.
Luke shook his head. “No.” He sighed and took a deep breath. “Yes.” He sighed again. “I don’t know. Talking about it always makes me feel so stupid again.”
Noah got up and approached him cautiously. “Why would you feel stupid?”
“Because I let my boyfriend beat me up for over a year and was too weak to stop him? Doesn’t that sound stupid to you?” Luke sounded miserable.
The sound of the kettle starting to whistle interrupted Noah’s answer and he waited for Luke to turn it off and pour the hot water into the mugs before continuing.
“Yeah, I suppose it was kind of stupid. But then again, so is jumping into a burning building against orders to try and save a kid who’d just taken a shot at me.”
Even in the dim light, Noah could see Luke’s eyes widen. “You did that?”
Noah nodded. “Yeah. My CO was kind of pissed.”
“Did you save him?”
“No.” Noah’s hands curled into fists at his side at the memory of the young boy’s body.
The first tentative touch of Luke’s hand on his cheek almost made Noah jump. “I’m sorry. That must have been terrible.”
Noah let himself briefly lean into the touch before pulling away. “It was.” He tried to swallow the lump in his throat before continuing. “So, can I ask why you stayed? You had an awesome family to come home to.”
Luke turned away and let his hair fall over his eyes as he busied himself with making the tea. “The first time he hit me was in the middle of a big fight. He was older than me and a doctor. I was mad because he wouldn’t come with me to Faith’s birthday party. It was a Saturday and he had the day off and I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t go with me.”
When the tea was finished, Luke handed a mug to Noah and then walked over to sit down at the table. Noah sat across from him and waited.
“I was being a brat, refusing to let it go like I always had before.” He looked down at the table. “It was my fault-“
Noah reached over and gently put his hand over Luke’s. “No Luke. Whatever you said, if he hurt you, that’s on him, not you.”
Luke lifted his eyes and once again Noah was taken aback by how beautiful he was. “Everyone keeps telling me that. But it’s not how it feels.”
Noah smiled softly. “I know. It’s going to take time for you to believe it. It’s in our nature to blame ourselves I think.”
Luke turned his hand and curled his fingers around Noah’s before continuing. “To this day, I’m so shocked when I think about it. One second he was standing with his back to me, telling me what a whiny bitch I was and the next second he turned and backhanded me across the face so hard I fell.”
Luke smiled grimly. “For a second he looked as shocked as I felt and then he started yelling again, telling me it was my fault and that I needed to learn when to shut up. I was so dazed and confused that I just sat there holding my cheek until he walked out of the apartment and slammed the door.”
Noah squeezed Luke’s fingers encouragingly. “Then what happened?”
Shrugging, Luke dropped his gaze back to the table. “I got up and went to the bedroom, intending to pack my bags and leave, but when I got there, I glanced in the mirror on the dresser and I could see a huge bruise on my cheek and I imagined having to come to grandma’s looking that way. I knew my whole family would be here for the party and I didn’t want them to see me like that.” Luke’s voice all but faded out. “I was ashamed.”
Noah slipped to his knees in front of Luke and used his free hand to lift the other man’s chin. “You have nothing to be ashamed of.” Noah knew that whatever he said, Luke was going to have to come to that conclusion all by himself.
“But I stayed. I sat there on the bed until he came home two hours later with flowers and I let him apologize and promise to never let it happen again and I believed him. And I kept on believing him and defending him to my family every time it happened, right up until the day he threw me down the stairs in our apartment building.”
The anguish on Luke’s face was almost more than Noah could take.
“I dream about it you know. It’s why I can’t sleep. He just reached out as he walked past me and grabbed my shirt. He hated it because my best friend Casey gave it to me, but I loved it.” Luke’s breath hitched in his chest. “I’d meant to take it off before he got home but I was running late and forgot. I was trying to get to work on time and met him at the top of the stairs. He took one look at me and before I could say anything, he grabbed my shirt and used my own momentum against me as he threw me down the stairs.”
Tears fell down Luke’s face and as he cried, he allowed Noah to put an arm around his waist and pull him close.
“I screamed as I started to fall and apparently our neighbor came out of her apartment to investigate and found him looking down at me as he called 911. They cut that shirt off of me at the hospital.” Luke’s hands felt cold as they pressed against Noah’s chest.
“I stayed because I’m stupid and even though everyone knew what was going on, I fooled myself into believing that if I never admitted it, it wasn’t really as bad as everyone thought.”
Noah rubbed his hand up and down Luke’s back as he held him. “You’re not stupid, even if some of your choices were. You loved him and he took advantage of that.” Pushing Luke away a little, he once again lifted his chin and looked him in the eye.
“If anyone is stupid it’s him for not realizing what he had in you. If someone loves you, they should be treasured, not abused.” Luke looked at him for a moment before nodding.
“I know you’re right, but it doesn’t make me feel any better about what I let him do.” Luke was completely relaxed in Noah’s arms, and Noah couldn’t resist gently pulling him closer and tucking him under his chin.
“I think that’s probably just going to take some time, Luke.” He wished he had something better to say, but he didn’t. The only one who could make Luke truly feel better was Luke, when he forgave himself.
Luke nodded but didn’t say anything else. He sat quietly for a few minutes and Noah just enjoyed the feeling of being close to him.
When Luke started to yawn, Noah gently pulled away and sat back on his own chair. “We’d better finish this tea and then head to bed. I might be able to sleep now.”
Luke picked up his cup and sipped the tea. “Yeah, I might be able to as well.” He blushed and ducked his head. “Thanks for listening to me. It did make me feel better.” He took another sip before continuing. “Maybe I should talk to that therapist my parents keep bugging me about.”
Noah picked up his cup and tasted the tea before answering. “Might be a good idea…for both of us.”
Luke smiled up at him shyly and the need to have him back in his arms almost overwhelmed Noah. He drained his cup and watched as Luke did the same before getting up and taking both their cups to the sink. After making sure everything was tidy, he turned back to look at Luke.
The other man was almost asleep on his chair and looked completely adorable. He walked over and put a hand on Luke’s shoulder. “Come on, time for you to get up to bed I think.”
Luke nodded wearily. “Yeah, I think you’re right.” He got up off the chair and shuffled his way to the kitchen door.
“Night Luke. Hope you have sweet dreams now.” Noah watched as Luke stopped and took a deep breath. Turning around, he quickly limped back to Noah, throwing his arms around Noah’s waist and hugging him tightly before letting go and hurrying from the kitchen without another word.
Noah watched him go and then turned back to make sure everything was as Emma left it. He was startled when Holden spoke to him from the darkened hallway.
“That was more than I’ve gotten him to say in almost a year.”
Noah shrugged. “Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger, especially in the dark.”
Holden moved forward a little until Noah could see him in the moonlight coming in the window. “I know, but thanks anyway. Between the talking and the fact that he let you touch him without flinching, it was almost a middle-of-the-night miracle.”
Noah couldn’t help the blush he felt rising in his face.
“He feels safe with you. It’s not something I thought I would get to see again, so thank you.” There was a question that Noah could see in Holden’s eyes, but he wasn’t ready to answer it yet.
“He should have never been made to feel afraid.” The thought of Luke cowering in front of anyone made Noah feel sick with anger. “What happened to the asshole?”
Holden sighed and shook his head. “Luke didn’t want a trial, so he let Reid plead guilty to a lesser charge. The guy was given probation and a restraining order. So far he’s stayed away, but I think it’s because of a little chat him and I had about my shotgun.”
Noah grinned. “I like the way you think Holden.”
Holden smiled back and then opened his mouth to speak before shutting it with an audible click. Noah could see he was debating on whether or not to say something and it made Noah very curious.
“What’s on your mind?”
“I’m just wondering…” He trailed off for a moment and Noah could see the moment he decided to take the plunge. “I’m hoping you’ll stay for a while…at least until after Christmas. I think you’re good for Luke to have around and he’s obviously more comfortable around you than anyone except maybe Ethan these days.”
Holden walked over and sat down at the table. He scrubbed his hands over his face and then dropped them into his lap. “Ethan adores you and the women in the family would adopt you in a heartbeat.”
Noah snorted in amusement. He knew that Holden was right about that one.
“I know you and your dad don’t get along, and I’m sorry about that. If it’s any consolation, I think he’s an idiot for not proudly standing beside a son like you.” Noah could feel his throat constricting at the kind words.
“I know it’s a lot to ask, Noah but I’d ask anything to help anyone in my family. And if you stay, that would include you.” Noah could see how much it was costing Holden to keep talking.
“I guess I just hope that you’ll truly consider making Oakdale your home for a while. I think it would be beneficial all the way round.” He looked up at Noah hopefully and Noah didn’t know what to say.
“I’ll think about it, I promise. But if I do, I can’t stay here. I need my own space and I think moving in with your wonderfully crazy family might be a bit much for me yet.” He paused, swallowing before continuing. “I have some issues that need to be worked out too. I’m not sure you’re really aware of who I am.”
Holden stood up and walked over to Noah, putting a comforting hand on his arm. “Actually, I think I know what I need to. And as for you having issues…well…we all have of some of those. Time will help deal with those too.”
He patted Noah’s arm and smiled at him before walking away, leaving a very confused but hopeful Noah standing alone in a dark kitchen.
Chapter Three