history is repeating itself...lessons not learned?
You ever feel like the hamster on the wheel? That no matter how hard you try to go forward, you're stuck in a perpetual state of motion with no accomplishment? I have been feeling like that. Back in March, after my trip to Utah, I felt like I had done a lot of healing around my grief. I mean, I'll carry it until I die, but the load got lighter, the days without him got a little easier, it just seemed like I was ready to move on. And so I told the Universe I was ready. I literally was driving around Nellis AFB in my FedEx truck and I said out loud "Hey Universe, whatever is next on my path, I am ready".
Two days later, I got a txt msg out of the blue from Joe. An old boyfriend from Memphis that I hadn't seen in 10 years. An old, unrequited love. Seriously Universe? You're gonna give me a second chance at this relationship that I felt like I failed at so miserably? I didn't understand men back then, I was coming from 15 years of lesbian relationships, I didn't have a clue. But I had loved him. Deeply. When all the tactics I used on women failed to work on Joe, I closed up my heart and moved on. But he was always there, in the background shadows. And now here he was, presenting himself for my inspection, in town for work and would I like to have dinner. hell fucking yeah I do. It felt so good. So right, yes I started planning and dreaming and what in retrospect is exactly what I was doing 10 years ago. And it didn't work then. It didn't work this time. I was too much. Wanted too much from him. Still. So after a 3 month stint of blowing up his phone, trying depserately to insert myself into his life (he currently lives in Nashville) and a miserable long weekend trip to Nashville that ended with me parking his jeep at his job and WALKING to the airport by myself, I threw in the towel. And after that spending a good amount of time with my nose in a book, trying to figure out what I'd done wrong. Turns out men like to chase. You have to practically ignore them to entice them. Let them think it's all their idea to be together and making them prove themselves to win you. So 10 years ago I failed at it, this year I failed at it, despite all my efforts, mostly because of my efforts, I was too easily won. I also think we're two really different people and I'd have had a hard time putting myself back into the southern hetrosexual box. In that place 10 years ago, I thought to myself, hey, you are really, really attracted to men and masculine energy, and I couldn't seem to find one that I "connected" with. So I turned back to the community that I had been a part of for my whole adult life, the lgbT community. I highlight the T because I went looking for an FTM. I went looking for those that had been socialized female but identified as male. Up to that point I had only known people that identified trans, nobody that had actually transitioned, so when I went to the personals and found Beau, I was like "oh my". Me like. I sent him an email and the rest as they say is history.
Which brings me to the point in my story where it feels like history is still repeating itself. I've tried dating men. Again. And I can't seem to make a connection. Again. I tried to make something resembling a relationship with Joe work. Again. And it failed. Again. So, I have turned back to community and met the most amazing FTM. He's smart, a nurse in mental health, sexy as hell, runs (he does ultras god help me) has a sharp wit, is a light handed Dominant type and actually wants to TALK to me. Go figure. AND returns my feelings. AND is polyamorous. Sounds perfect doesn't it? Yeah well, enter the Universe fucking with me. He's 16 years younger than me and is a Brit. A continent and an ocean away. *sigh* But really, I feel like he is big and important in my world, despite the total impossibility of the situation.
Two days later, I got a txt msg out of the blue from Joe. An old boyfriend from Memphis that I hadn't seen in 10 years. An old, unrequited love. Seriously Universe? You're gonna give me a second chance at this relationship that I felt like I failed at so miserably? I didn't understand men back then, I was coming from 15 years of lesbian relationships, I didn't have a clue. But I had loved him. Deeply. When all the tactics I used on women failed to work on Joe, I closed up my heart and moved on. But he was always there, in the background shadows. And now here he was, presenting himself for my inspection, in town for work and would I like to have dinner. hell fucking yeah I do. It felt so good. So right, yes I started planning and dreaming and what in retrospect is exactly what I was doing 10 years ago. And it didn't work then. It didn't work this time. I was too much. Wanted too much from him. Still. So after a 3 month stint of blowing up his phone, trying depserately to insert myself into his life (he currently lives in Nashville) and a miserable long weekend trip to Nashville that ended with me parking his jeep at his job and WALKING to the airport by myself, I threw in the towel. And after that spending a good amount of time with my nose in a book, trying to figure out what I'd done wrong. Turns out men like to chase. You have to practically ignore them to entice them. Let them think it's all their idea to be together and making them prove themselves to win you. So 10 years ago I failed at it, this year I failed at it, despite all my efforts, mostly because of my efforts, I was too easily won. I also think we're two really different people and I'd have had a hard time putting myself back into the southern hetrosexual box. In that place 10 years ago, I thought to myself, hey, you are really, really attracted to men and masculine energy, and I couldn't seem to find one that I "connected" with. So I turned back to the community that I had been a part of for my whole adult life, the lgbT community. I highlight the T because I went looking for an FTM. I went looking for those that had been socialized female but identified as male. Up to that point I had only known people that identified trans, nobody that had actually transitioned, so when I went to the personals and found Beau, I was like "oh my". Me like. I sent him an email and the rest as they say is history.
Which brings me to the point in my story where it feels like history is still repeating itself. I've tried dating men. Again. And I can't seem to make a connection. Again. I tried to make something resembling a relationship with Joe work. Again. And it failed. Again. So, I have turned back to community and met the most amazing FTM. He's smart, a nurse in mental health, sexy as hell, runs (he does ultras god help me) has a sharp wit, is a light handed Dominant type and actually wants to TALK to me. Go figure. AND returns my feelings. AND is polyamorous. Sounds perfect doesn't it? Yeah well, enter the Universe fucking with me. He's 16 years younger than me and is a Brit. A continent and an ocean away. *sigh* But really, I feel like he is big and important in my world, despite the total impossibility of the situation.