Are we having fun yet?

[cindy_m]

I got my packet last Tuesday. This is a half-inch-thick pile of paper that I have to read, sign, fill out, or otherwise interact with before I begin to be officially considered for a position as a DAE. Most of it seems like routine sort of stuff, but some of it looms at me as mysterious, if not downright sinister.

I once vowed I would never consent to a background check. I loathe the very idea: the invasion of privacy, the beady-eyed scrutiny of my life with the goal of passing judgement on it and me. I imagine faceless people poring over lists of my deeds or beliefs with raised eyebrows, tut-tutting in boredom. I imagine my friends and family and neighbors being ruthlessly interrogated by slick agents who will infer shady meanings out of small hesitations, a downward glance, a nervous head-scratch.

Not that I have anything to hide. That's not the point. A state-sponsored probe to find out if someone is Good or Bad just seems way more totalitarian than we plain citizens should have to stomach.

There. I feel better now.

Contents of the packet:

• Optional Application for Federal Employment - OF 612. 2 pages. If this is optional, can't I just skip it? *whine*
  
  
• DAE Appointment Letter. 2 copies, 1 page each. This basically states that I agree to work endlessly (all hours, all days, possibly no days off) and get no benefits. Hmm, wait a minute...
  
  
• Conditions of Employment for Disaster Assistance Employees (DAEs). 1 page. I agree to work long hours with no benefits and be ready to go anywhere needed at any time and have my pay deposited electronically to my bank. And other stuff.
  
  
• Declaration for Federal Employment. 3 pages. This asks about my criminal history, whether I've ever been fired, if I owe the Feds money, and about my military background.
  
  
• Statement of Prior Federal Service. 2 pages. Details of any time I've worked previously for the Feds and might have accrued benefits. never mind that Im not going to get any benefits with the new position anyway! Unfortunately, I can't skip this form because I had a temporary (non-benefitted) position for three months back in 1995.
  
  
• Application for 10-point Veteran Preference. 2 pages. Yay! I can skip this one!
  
  
• An agreement to have the feds check out my credit history. 1 page.
  
  
• Questionnaire for Public Trust Positions - Standard Form 85P. 11 pages. This is the biggie, the one that the background check is based on. It includes a one-page medical release. *makes sign to ward off evil*
  
  
• "Avoid Common Errors" for SF 85P. 6 pages. Instructions for filling out The Form.
  
  
• Fingerprint instructions and release. 3 pages, plus two cards for prints and a large envelope for mailing them.
  
  
• Form for electronic deposit of travel payments. 2 pages.
  
  
• Cardholder Agreement, DHS-FEMA Authorized Travel Charge Card. 1 page. I need to take online training, use the card for official use only, and I am responsible for paying bills on time. Etc.
  
  
• Citibank Credit Card application. 2 pages.
  
  
• Employee Acknowledgement. 1 page. I have read all the following instructions.
  
  
• Instruction - Contractor-Issued Government Charge Card Program, May 15, 1995. 14 pages. Includes detailed list of penalties for misusing the charge card.
  
  
• Instruction - Contractor-Issued Government Travel Charge Card Program, August 8, 2002. 15 pages. Restates lots of the first one, but some changes. Why don't they just give us the most recent one instead of both?
  
  
• Government-Issued Charge Card Policies. 9 pages. This one has a huge "ALERT" at the top. At the end, it reiterates the four pages of penalties already detailed above.
  
  
• Emergency contact information for the Emergency Response Team listing. 1 page.
  
  
• Instructions and agreement to furnish two photographs. 1 page.

Now remind me: why am I doing this again??

Special thanks to thinkum for the utterly perfect icon!