I'm so done...
It's peculiar in an ass-backwards sort of way. She's right in saying that I'm selfish. I never think of my dad when I screw up. I always forget how she treats him. It's not his fault.
It's funny though--the way he tries to make idle conversation... it's so unlike him. He even talks about the weather. He's always asking Mom for favors he can do for her. He's such a good man. I love him so much.
I sat quietly in the car on the way home--thinking of ways to hurt her. She is the embodiment of all that is terrible in my life.
----What a horrible thing to say about one's mother. (((Sheri yelled at me for it.)))
I find myself being awful to people when I'm upset. I want them to hurt just as much as I do. "Misery Loves Company." It's never right though. I hate the thought that I'm being so much like her just then. The difference though? I realize what I'm doing and stop... and I ALWAYS apologize. The mere thought of drawing an apology out of that woman kind of makes me giggle. What a joke.
Clearly, she forgets that I'm the best child that she has. I'm the most reliable one... the one who is least selfish--the one who will essentially do anything she's asked to do. JUST ASK ME TO DO SOMETHING. I may not always be able to see what she thinks needs to be done, and I may want some time to myself after half a semester back at school---but that doesn't mean I'm unwilling to help out. Just give me something to do. And just because she doesn't always acknowledge the things that I do around the house, it doesn't mean that I'm not doing them. She's so selectively blind. She only sees what she wants to see.
She sends me 70 miles from home with no money, no credit cards, and no cell phone. She claims she worries about me all the time. I hope she's worried now. She should be. She should think of all the things that I may have to do just to make some quick money---or the things that might happen to me anyway as I wander around campus at night with a bunch of horny, drunk college guys! I hope she's worried... 'cause I sort of am.
Well, at least something good has come from all of this. My realizations about her have been renewed. She truly is so undoubtably unstable. I wish she'd get some help. (Yeah, right!) She's unreliable, and I can't trust her at all. Her moods make her irrational, and they're so unpredictable. I have no idea what to do about them, so I've decided that it's best just to stay out of that mess. The less that I have to deal with her--the better. It sucks that I'll have to grovel for my phone in a few weeks when I go home... but that's basically it. I'm so done letting her fuck with me. I can't handle it anymore! Especially after last week---we'd gotten along really well for the first time in I-Don't-Know-How-Long. I bragged to people about it. I was impressed... but now this? I'm so done.
I've so exhausted my mind with all of this that it's difficult to concentrate.
At least I'm myself again. After a week of looking in the mirror and seeing someone attractive and happy... I now see myself once more--scared, sad, bitter, and alone. At least the face in the mirror is someone I recognize. I'm sure I'll be seeing myself for a while.
I hate that I feel like I need support this week--like I need the few people I love so much more. It's sad that so many of them are so far away, and I can't even talk to them because I DON'T HAVE MY PHONE!
I'm treating Brandon terribly. I'm so afraid of being angry with him or disappointed in him that I'm not sure it's worth letting him be so close to me this week. I'm sure that sounds terrible... but it's really not his fault. I really prefer that no one see me this way. It's not fair for him to have to deal with this. I don't think he can be there for me through this--not the way I want. I suppose I know that I'm asking a lot from him... so I'd rather just not ask. I feel so bad for him. I'm so afraid that I'll hurt him. (For the record, sweetie---watch porn this week! Don't even bother trying to get me to play with you!)
I feel so irreparably broken--so damaged and wanting to curl up into a little ball. Hibernation seems a good option----especially 'cause it keeps FUCKING SNOWING! Randomly... just for me, I swear. The sun is out when I'm in my room. But the moment my shoe hits sidewalk, the skies close up and the snow comes floating down. I LOVE MY LUCK!
God, please don't let me be like her.
Let me be anyone but her.
Please don't let me be like her.
It's funny though--the way he tries to make idle conversation... it's so unlike him. He even talks about the weather. He's always asking Mom for favors he can do for her. He's such a good man. I love him so much.
I sat quietly in the car on the way home--thinking of ways to hurt her. She is the embodiment of all that is terrible in my life.
----What a horrible thing to say about one's mother. (((Sheri yelled at me for it.)))
I find myself being awful to people when I'm upset. I want them to hurt just as much as I do. "Misery Loves Company." It's never right though. I hate the thought that I'm being so much like her just then. The difference though? I realize what I'm doing and stop... and I ALWAYS apologize. The mere thought of drawing an apology out of that woman kind of makes me giggle. What a joke.
Clearly, she forgets that I'm the best child that she has. I'm the most reliable one... the one who is least selfish--the one who will essentially do anything she's asked to do. JUST ASK ME TO DO SOMETHING. I may not always be able to see what she thinks needs to be done, and I may want some time to myself after half a semester back at school---but that doesn't mean I'm unwilling to help out. Just give me something to do. And just because she doesn't always acknowledge the things that I do around the house, it doesn't mean that I'm not doing them. She's so selectively blind. She only sees what she wants to see.
She sends me 70 miles from home with no money, no credit cards, and no cell phone. She claims she worries about me all the time. I hope she's worried now. She should be. She should think of all the things that I may have to do just to make some quick money---or the things that might happen to me anyway as I wander around campus at night with a bunch of horny, drunk college guys! I hope she's worried... 'cause I sort of am.
Well, at least something good has come from all of this. My realizations about her have been renewed. She truly is so undoubtably unstable. I wish she'd get some help. (Yeah, right!) She's unreliable, and I can't trust her at all. Her moods make her irrational, and they're so unpredictable. I have no idea what to do about them, so I've decided that it's best just to stay out of that mess. The less that I have to deal with her--the better. It sucks that I'll have to grovel for my phone in a few weeks when I go home... but that's basically it. I'm so done letting her fuck with me. I can't handle it anymore! Especially after last week---we'd gotten along really well for the first time in I-Don't-Know-How-Long. I bragged to people about it. I was impressed... but now this? I'm so done.
I've so exhausted my mind with all of this that it's difficult to concentrate.
At least I'm myself again. After a week of looking in the mirror and seeing someone attractive and happy... I now see myself once more--scared, sad, bitter, and alone. At least the face in the mirror is someone I recognize. I'm sure I'll be seeing myself for a while.
I hate that I feel like I need support this week--like I need the few people I love so much more. It's sad that so many of them are so far away, and I can't even talk to them because I DON'T HAVE MY PHONE!
I'm treating Brandon terribly. I'm so afraid of being angry with him or disappointed in him that I'm not sure it's worth letting him be so close to me this week. I'm sure that sounds terrible... but it's really not his fault. I really prefer that no one see me this way. It's not fair for him to have to deal with this. I don't think he can be there for me through this--not the way I want. I suppose I know that I'm asking a lot from him... so I'd rather just not ask. I feel so bad for him. I'm so afraid that I'll hurt him. (For the record, sweetie---watch porn this week! Don't even bother trying to get me to play with you!)
I feel so irreparably broken--so damaged and wanting to curl up into a little ball. Hibernation seems a good option----especially 'cause it keeps FUCKING SNOWING! Randomly... just for me, I swear. The sun is out when I'm in my room. But the moment my shoe hits sidewalk, the skies close up and the snow comes floating down. I LOVE MY LUCK!
God, please don't let me be like her.
Let me be anyone but her.
Please don't let me be like her.