FIC: Hereafter (Luke/Reid, 1/1)
Title: Hereafter
Author: cindergal
Rating: NC17, to be safe
Characters/Pairing: Luke/Reid
Warnings: Angst. Also, (Highlight to read. Contains spoilers) Character death.
Summary: Luke should have known. Maybe he had. A fix-it fic, of a sort.
Word Count: ~3770
Disclaimer: Obviously, they don't belong to me. I would take much better care of them.
A/N: Acknowledgments are posted at the end of the story to avoid spoiling anyone.
It's the worst for Luke in the mornings. He opens his eyes, peering blearily at the clock as he reaches for the snooze button, and for a moment everything is fine. He feels fine. Normal. And then he remembers that Reid is dead. He's dead and he's gone and he's never coming back, and the grief hits him like a tidal wave, washing over him, pulling him under. And he spends the rest of the day swimming against the current, trying to keep himself from drowning.
Today, Luke manages to sit up and swing his legs over the side of the bed, joints aching like he's eighty, but that's as far as he gets before the wave knocks him over. He's not sure how long he sits there, elbows on his knees, head in his hands, just trying to breathe through it. "Why isn't this getting any easier? Everyone says it's supposed to get easier," he whispers, hating the ragged, broken sound of his own voice.
"Everyone is obviously full of shit," Reid says.
Luke lets out a sound somewhere between a sob and a laugh. "You would say that."
"But I wish it were. Getting easier, I mean."
"Yeah," Luke says, standing up and heading for the shower. "Me too."
***
His morning goes about the same as any other. He feels like he's moving through quicksand, but no one else seems to notice. He goes to the office. He makes important decisions involving large sums of money.
He is so very, very tired.
He goes to Al's to meet his mother for lunch.
"Honey, are you sure that's all you want?" Lily watches as he pushes his French fries around his plate in a lame attempt to pretend he's actually eating them. Finally, he gives up the pretense and pushes the plate away.
"I'm not very hungry."
She sighs, placing her small, perfectly manicured hand over his large one, nails bitten down to the quick. "I'm worried about you, Luke. You've lost so much weight. And you look like you haven't been sleeping well. You need to take better care of yourself." She smiles gently. "Especially now that I don't have you at home where I can't keep an eye on you the way I used to."
Luke had moved out of his mother's house and into his own place several weeks ago, shortly after Reid died. He knows his family loves him and just wants him to be okay, but their desperate need for him to just be okay is exhausting. At least now he can fall apart in private without bothering anyone else.
"Luke?" his mother says, and by the concerned look on her face, he can tell that he's done it again. Lost the plot. Drifted away. He does that a lot lately.
"I'm sorry, what were you saying?"
Lily sighs. "I was saying, I'm worried about you. I know it hasn't been that long, and I know you're still hurting. I just wish there was something I could do."
"Me too, Mom," Luke says, squeezing her hand. His eyes fill up, and for a moment, he feels ten years old, or wishes he were. If only his mother could kiss his cheek and hand him a cookie and make everything better like she could back then.
"Oh, baby," she whispers.
Luke glances away, because he has to in order to keep it together. Losing it in Al's (again) would be embarrassing. He takes a deep, shuddering breath and looks past her left shoulder, out Al's big picture window.
And there he sees Reid, looking in at him from outside with such longing, his hand raised against the glass.
Luke practically knocks his chair over in his hurry to get outside. People shopping in Old Town look at him like he's nuts as he races out the door and skids to a stop in front of the window, searching left and right, searching everywhere. But of course, Reid isn't there. Because he’s dead. And Luke is clearly losing his mind.
"Luke? Luke! What's going on? What's wrong?" Lily has followed him outside, a look of alarm on her face
Luke runs a shaky hand through his too-long hair. "I...I just...I thought I saw someone I knew. But I guess not."
Lily approaches him slowly, as if he was a skittish horse, and puts a hand on his arm. "Why don't you take the afternoon off and come back to the house with me? We could watch a movie or something. And then you can help Natalie with her homework when she gets home from school."
Luke shakes his head. "No, I can't. I have a meeting at the hospital about the neuro wing."
"But sweetie, you can miss one meeting, can‘t you?"
"No!" Luke takes a breath, trying to calm himself down. "No, I can't miss it. It's for Reid's project, Mom. I have to take care of this."
She nods in understanding. "Okay. Call me later?"
"I'll try," he says, kissing her cheek. “I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too, Luke.”
He can feel her worried eyes on him as he walks away.
***
Luke does his best to stay present and focused during the meeting. It's not easy, especially when Chris Hughes, newly appointed Chief of Staff, walks in. He's back to work for the first time since the transplant. Luke hasn't seen him since that day he put Reid's stethoscope to Chris's chest, and now he can barely even look at him without hearing Reid‘s heartbeat in his ears. But Luke has done a good job, he thinks, of moving the project into its final stage of completion, with this meeting finalizing a few key details. Thankfully, Chris supports his every decision, which is good enough for most of the board members, and the meeting is over quickly. They're the last two people left in the conference room, and Luke has a feeling that Chris is lingering on purpose.
"Thanks for backing me up today," Luke says, shoving his paperwork into his briefcase. "I really appreciate it."
"Of course," Chris says. He steps in front of Luke as he tries to make it to the door. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Sure." Luke sighs in resignation.
"I just wanted to say that I understand it's probably hard for you to be around me. It's hard for me to be around me, sometimes." Luke glances at him, and Chris is pinching the bridge of his nose. He shrugs. "I just wanted you to know, I get it."
Luke clears his throat. "How are you feeling?"
"Physically? Very well. How are you doing, Luke?"
Luke can see Chris taking in his appearance with a physician’s clinical eye. The way Luke's clothes hang off him, the paleness of his skin, the dark circles under his eyes.
"Just dandy."
"Yeah," Chris gives him a rueful smile. "Stupid question."
"I need to go," Luke says, stepping around him. He's nearly made his getaway when Chris calls out to him again.
"Luke...I wish there was something I could do for you. To make it easier."
Luke pauses, his hand on the doorknob. "Just take care of Katie and Jacob." He looks back over his shoulder at Chris. "And yourself."
Chris nods, looking chagrined. "I will. I promise."
Luke is in such a daze after that, he barely remembers walking down the hallway to the elevator. He must get off at the wrong floor, because instead of being in the lobby when he steps out, he's suddenly standing in front of a patient room. The room. The room Reid died in. A wave of nausea rises up in him, and he thinks his knees might give out.
"Don't think about that," Reid says from behind him, his voice low and soft and soothing in Luke's ear. He can practically feel Reid’s hand on the small of his back, gently turning him to face in the other direction. Almost immediately, he feels better. "Think about that kiss I gave you in the hallway. Right over there. Remember? That was some kiss." Luke closes his eyes, and finds himself smiling. He remembers. He remembers everything.
He turns around slowly and opens his eyes, heart full of stupid hope, but of course, no one's there.
***
Luke closes the apartment door and leans back against it, eyes shut. Usually he feels a sense of relief when he steps into his own space; at least he doesn’t have to put up the facade anymore. Right now? He’s just trying to breathe. He presses a hand to his chest, feeling like it’s his heart being torn out.
He makes his way over to the sofa on wobbly legs and sinks down into it. There's a wooden box that he keeps on the coffee table, and he grabs it and opens it up. Inside is all he has left of Reid. His cell phone. His wallet. A DVD of a shy, twelve year old chess champ that his mother had made for him from some news footage. Reid's stethoscope. Reid's black knight. He pulls Reid's license out of his wallet and stares at it. It's the only photo he has of him. Reid glares at him from the photograph and Luke laughs. “I bet you were a nightmare at the DMV.” He puts everything carefully back in the box, and sets it back down.
This is the part that no one gets. Everyone thinks it should be easier for him to get over Reid's death because they had so little time together. They'd only been together for a few months. It's not like he and Reid were engaged, or living together. They never even had sex. No one understands that that just makes it worse. All he can think about are the things they'll never do, never have, never be. He doesn't have years of memories to hold on to, to look back on fondly. All he has is this small wooden box and a fistful of regrets. It's an ache in his chest that he's never rid of. And he’s not sure he wants to be.
He waits for the tears to come, but he's so worn out, he doesn't know if he has any left. He ends up the same way he started the day, folded over at the waist with his head in his hands.
“I can’t do this anymore," he says out loud. "I just can’t. I don’t know how to do this.”
“It’s okay, Luke. I’m right here.”
Luke shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut. "No. No, you're not really here. I can't really hear you. It's all in my head! It's all in my head."
He feels a cool gust of air, soft as a caress against his cheek.
“Luke. Open your eyes.”
He shakes his head stubbornly. “No.”
“Luke. Please. Open your eyes.”
Luke turns his head slowly and blinks. And blinks again.
He's been afraid he's going crazy for days now, hearing and seeing Reid everywhere. And now Reid is standing right in front of him, close enough to touch, one arm outstretched towards him. Luke reaches out a trembling hand, heart racing crazily as Reid's form wavers unsteadily for a moment. Until they touch. Fingers interlock. Palms slide together. Reid is holding his hand. Reid is holding Luke's hand.
"Oh, God," Luke says. "Oh my God."
Luke isn’t sure how he gets there, but suddenly he's in Reid's arms, touching him and kissing him, and Reid feels like Reid and he smells like Reid and he tastes like Reid and he's Reid.
"How...how?" Luke asks, his hands everywhere. They're in Reid's hair and on his shoulders and touching his face.
Reid holds Luke fast, one arm firm around his waist, the other raised so that his hand cups Luke cheek in that way he has that always makes Luke feel cherished and beautiful and real. "Shhh, it's okay. I'm here now, Luke. I'm right here." The look of wonder on his face tells Luke that Reid’s as amazed as he is.
Luke fists his hands in Reid's shirt to pull him closer, and realizes it's the same shirt he'd been wearing the last time Luke saw him alive. The shirt that had been probably covered with blood and removed by the EMTs. But now it's like it was before the accident, clean and soft under Luke’s hands. He unbuttons it quickly and Reid stands there quietly, just letting him. Luke pushes the shirt off his shoulders and skims his hands down Reid's arms before settling at his waist. His fingers glide up over stomach and chest, and Reid shivers a little from his touch.
"You're perfect," Luke whispers. Reid is all smooth skin and lean muscle and there is not a mark on him. Not a single cut or bruise, except for a faint red line, thin like the blade of a scalpel on his chest, over his heart. When Luke presses his palm over it, it fades away.
Luke isn't sure if Reid's a ghost or a hallucination or if maybe Luke's died and gone to heaven; he doesn’t really care. All he knows is Reid is here, in his arms, and he doesn’t want that to end. Not ever. He leans in to kiss him, and their mouths and bodies are drawn together like magnets. He slides his hands into Reid's hair, pulling him even closer, kissing him more deeply, and he doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. What is the appropriate reaction when confronted with a miracle?
Luke isn’t exactly sure how they make it to the bedroom, losing clothes along the way. He presses Reid down into the mattress, covering him with his body, afraid he's going to disappear. Now that he's holding in his arms what he thought he'd lost forever, he's not about to let go. Just the thought of it terrifies him, and it's Reid who grounds him, taking Luke's face in his hands and pinning him with that intense blue gaze, telling him over and over that everything's going to be okay. Somehow, Luke believes him.
Their mouths slide together, wet, sloppy kisses that leave him moaning and gasping for breath, and he can feel Reid's hands stroking along his back, touching everywhere they can reach, gripping his ass and pulling them closer together as they thrust against each other, cocks slick and hard between them.
It’s amazing and perfect and over way too fast. Luke comes with a sob and Reid follows right afterward, saying his name over and over, like a prayer.
***
As fast and desperate as their first time is, the second time is just as slow and intimate. They take their time exploring each other’s bodies, unable to take their lips or hands or eyes off each other, for what feels like hours. Reid is propped up on his forearms, rocking slow inside him, eyes heavy lidded with desire. The muscles in his shoulders and arms flex under Luke's hands, and Luke thinks once again how beautiful he is. Luke is shaking with desire and emotion, completely overwhelmed with sensation. His aching cock is flat against his belly, and his skin breaks out in goose bumps with Reid's every thrust.
“Reid...” He doesn’t know what else to say. He grasps Reid’s biceps so he doesn‘t float up off the bed, the intensity of what he’s feeling almost more than he can stand. “Is this real?” Luke asks desperately. “Tell me it’s real.”
Reid strokes harder, deeper, and bends his head to kiss Luke again. “Can you feel me, Luke? I’m right here with you. I‘m right here.”
“I can feel you,” Luke says. He’s close. He’s so very, very close. “I can feel you everywhere.”
***
“You need to get some sleep.”
They’re all tangled up together, lying face to face, arms and legs wrapped around each other. Reid has one hand in Luke’s hair, and his lips rest against Luke’s forehead.
“I‘m a little afraid to," Luke admits. "I’m afraid you won’t be here when I wake up.”
Reid moves back a little so he can look at him, his expression serious. “I will be here. I promise." He frowns. "Now go to sleep. You look like hell.”
Luke laughs and shakes his head. "I know. And yet you look amazing. How ironic, huh?"
Reid's smile fades, and he brushes his knuckles along Luke's cheek. "I'm sorry," he says, but Luke barely hears him. He’s already nodding off, still a little scared, but too tired to do anything about it. It’s a good tired this time though, rather than the soul-sucking exhaustion of grief. He still doesn’t understand why he was given this gift, or what it means, but as he drifts off to sleep he feels Reid tighten his arms around him protectively, and he smiles.
***
It's easily the best morning Luke's had in...forever. He doesn't so much wake up as slide slowly out of sleep, and it's not to an alarm clock, but to the feel of soft lips pressed to the nape of his neck and a strong arm wrapped around his waist, pulling him closer. Reid is spooned up against him, holding him tight, and it's the best feeling in the world.
"See? I'm still here," Reid says, his voice muffled against Luke's skin, and Luke lets out a soft laugh. He should be worried, he thinks. He should be completely weirded out. He should have a million questions. And he does. He's just too happy right now to ask them.
Reid loosens his grip a little so that Luke can turn and face him.
"So that's three down, a million to go," Luke says. Reid raises an eyebrow questioningly. "We've done three of about a million things we never got to do together. Sex, falling asleep together, and waking up together."
Reid brings his hand up to touch Luke's chin, amused.
"You have a list?"
"I do now."
***
"If this is what going crazy feels like, it's okay with me."
They've showered together (four down, Luke says) , dressed, and made it to the living room. Luke is sitting sideways on the sofa, half in Reid's lap, and they can't seem to stop touching each other. And the entire time Luke has a big, stupid grin on his face. Reid doesn't seem to mind.
Reid takes his hand, threading their fingers together. "You're not going crazy."
"If you're my hallucination, it's probably in your best interests to tell me that." Reid chuckles and Luke leans in to nuzzle his nose against Reid's cheek.
"You want me to put on a white sheet and say 'boo'?"
Luke pulls his head up to look at him, squeezing his hand. "I don't understand. Even if...Reid, I can feel you."
"I don't think we're supposed to understand." He rests his hand against the nape of Luke's neck, and winks at him. "Because, seriously? If I can't figure it out..."
Luke smiles, but it's fleeting. He bites his lip. "And I'm almost afraid to ask this, but...why are you here? For how...how long?"
Reid's hand slides from his neck to his cheek, and he thumbs over Luke's cheekbone. "I'm here because you need me to be. For as long as you need me to be."
“I’ve needed you all along.”
Reid looks like he wants to say something, but doesn’t.
“Reid?”
“I don’t make the rules,” he finally says.
Luke grins. “Since when?”
Reid grins back. “It’s been quite the adjustment, believe me.”
Luke raises a hand and traces his fingertips along Reid’s jaw. “I missed you so much.”
Reid turns his head, pressing a kiss into Luke‘s palm. “I missed you, too. I...I wasn’t supposed to. They’re supposed to, I don’t know, relieve you of those emotions, I guess. But...I still missed you.”
Luke runs his fingers through Reid's hair. “So you don’t make the rules, but you still break them.”
"Like I told you before, I'm good at making trouble."
"You sure are. You turned my whole life upside down."
Reid smiles fondly. "Look who's talking."
Tears sting Luke's eyes. and he shakes his head, annoyed with himself. "We were just getting started. We had so much ahead of us."
"We still do."
"But.. but how? I'm going to bring my ghost boyfriend to Sunday dinner? How's that going to work?"
"Luke, we're going to get to do everything on your list. I promise you." He smiles. "Just maybe not in the exact way you'd imagined. Better than you imagined."
"I don't know, I have a pretty good imagination."
Reid kisses him softly. "Lucky for me."
This whole conversation is making Luke dizzy. He rests his head against Reid's shoulder, the palm of Reid's hand against the back of his neck, holding him steady. Gentle. Safe.
"Reid?" Luke tries to take a deep breath, but he can't seem to get any air. He grips Reid's arm tightly. “Something’s...happening.”
Reid's voice is so quiet and calming in his ear. "It's okay, Luke. I'm going to be here with you the whole time. Just like you were there with me." Luke can barely muster the strength to turn his head to look at Reid, who is gazing at him with such love in his eyes. "You're in renal failure, Luke. You have been for awhile. You're going into v-fib - that’s a heart arrhythmia caused by high potassium levels in your blood. It’s going to be very fast. I wasn’t allowed to interfere.” His voice breaks. “That‘s the one rule I had to follow if I wanted to be here with you."
Luke nods his understanding. Weight loss, exhaustion, nausea, dizziness, aching joints -- all things he's attributed to his depression over losing Reid. But he should have known. Maybe he had. His heart is fluttering like a bird that’s trying to escape it’s cage; it feels like it’s going to fly right out of his chest. But it doesn't hurt. Not really. Luke’s vision begins to darken and he knows he’s going to lose consciousness soon. He thinks about his family, but he knows they’ll be all right. They have each other. He takes in Reid’s comforting scent, feels his arms around him, strong and sure.
“Love you, Reid.”
“I love you, too, Luke.”
It‘s getting hard for him to speak. "You're...gonna be with me?"
"Yeah," Reid says, pulling him closer, threading his hands through Luke’s hair. "Now, and for as long as you'll put up with me."
"How 'bout forever?" Luke asks.
He smiles, and closes his eyes.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Inspired by the fic Cross Road Blues, a Giles/Anya fic in the Buffy fandom written by my friend ljs, as well as the film "Truly, Madly, Deeply."
Special thanks to ceallaigh_hk for her medical expertise. I hope I didn't screw anything up too much.
Author: cindergal
Rating: NC17, to be safe
Characters/Pairing: Luke/Reid
Warnings: Angst. Also, (Highlight to read. Contains spoilers) Character death.
Summary: Luke should have known. Maybe he had. A fix-it fic, of a sort.
Word Count: ~3770
Disclaimer: Obviously, they don't belong to me. I would take much better care of them.
A/N: Acknowledgments are posted at the end of the story to avoid spoiling anyone.
It's the worst for Luke in the mornings. He opens his eyes, peering blearily at the clock as he reaches for the snooze button, and for a moment everything is fine. He feels fine. Normal. And then he remembers that Reid is dead. He's dead and he's gone and he's never coming back, and the grief hits him like a tidal wave, washing over him, pulling him under. And he spends the rest of the day swimming against the current, trying to keep himself from drowning.
Today, Luke manages to sit up and swing his legs over the side of the bed, joints aching like he's eighty, but that's as far as he gets before the wave knocks him over. He's not sure how long he sits there, elbows on his knees, head in his hands, just trying to breathe through it. "Why isn't this getting any easier? Everyone says it's supposed to get easier," he whispers, hating the ragged, broken sound of his own voice.
"Everyone is obviously full of shit," Reid says.
Luke lets out a sound somewhere between a sob and a laugh. "You would say that."
"But I wish it were. Getting easier, I mean."
"Yeah," Luke says, standing up and heading for the shower. "Me too."
***
His morning goes about the same as any other. He feels like he's moving through quicksand, but no one else seems to notice. He goes to the office. He makes important decisions involving large sums of money.
He is so very, very tired.
He goes to Al's to meet his mother for lunch.
"Honey, are you sure that's all you want?" Lily watches as he pushes his French fries around his plate in a lame attempt to pretend he's actually eating them. Finally, he gives up the pretense and pushes the plate away.
"I'm not very hungry."
She sighs, placing her small, perfectly manicured hand over his large one, nails bitten down to the quick. "I'm worried about you, Luke. You've lost so much weight. And you look like you haven't been sleeping well. You need to take better care of yourself." She smiles gently. "Especially now that I don't have you at home where I can't keep an eye on you the way I used to."
Luke had moved out of his mother's house and into his own place several weeks ago, shortly after Reid died. He knows his family loves him and just wants him to be okay, but their desperate need for him to just be okay is exhausting. At least now he can fall apart in private without bothering anyone else.
"Luke?" his mother says, and by the concerned look on her face, he can tell that he's done it again. Lost the plot. Drifted away. He does that a lot lately.
"I'm sorry, what were you saying?"
Lily sighs. "I was saying, I'm worried about you. I know it hasn't been that long, and I know you're still hurting. I just wish there was something I could do."
"Me too, Mom," Luke says, squeezing her hand. His eyes fill up, and for a moment, he feels ten years old, or wishes he were. If only his mother could kiss his cheek and hand him a cookie and make everything better like she could back then.
"Oh, baby," she whispers.
Luke glances away, because he has to in order to keep it together. Losing it in Al's (again) would be embarrassing. He takes a deep, shuddering breath and looks past her left shoulder, out Al's big picture window.
And there he sees Reid, looking in at him from outside with such longing, his hand raised against the glass.
Luke practically knocks his chair over in his hurry to get outside. People shopping in Old Town look at him like he's nuts as he races out the door and skids to a stop in front of the window, searching left and right, searching everywhere. But of course, Reid isn't there. Because he’s dead. And Luke is clearly losing his mind.
"Luke? Luke! What's going on? What's wrong?" Lily has followed him outside, a look of alarm on her face
Luke runs a shaky hand through his too-long hair. "I...I just...I thought I saw someone I knew. But I guess not."
Lily approaches him slowly, as if he was a skittish horse, and puts a hand on his arm. "Why don't you take the afternoon off and come back to the house with me? We could watch a movie or something. And then you can help Natalie with her homework when she gets home from school."
Luke shakes his head. "No, I can't. I have a meeting at the hospital about the neuro wing."
"But sweetie, you can miss one meeting, can‘t you?"
"No!" Luke takes a breath, trying to calm himself down. "No, I can't miss it. It's for Reid's project, Mom. I have to take care of this."
She nods in understanding. "Okay. Call me later?"
"I'll try," he says, kissing her cheek. “I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too, Luke.”
He can feel her worried eyes on him as he walks away.
***
Luke does his best to stay present and focused during the meeting. It's not easy, especially when Chris Hughes, newly appointed Chief of Staff, walks in. He's back to work for the first time since the transplant. Luke hasn't seen him since that day he put Reid's stethoscope to Chris's chest, and now he can barely even look at him without hearing Reid‘s heartbeat in his ears. But Luke has done a good job, he thinks, of moving the project into its final stage of completion, with this meeting finalizing a few key details. Thankfully, Chris supports his every decision, which is good enough for most of the board members, and the meeting is over quickly. They're the last two people left in the conference room, and Luke has a feeling that Chris is lingering on purpose.
"Thanks for backing me up today," Luke says, shoving his paperwork into his briefcase. "I really appreciate it."
"Of course," Chris says. He steps in front of Luke as he tries to make it to the door. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Sure." Luke sighs in resignation.
"I just wanted to say that I understand it's probably hard for you to be around me. It's hard for me to be around me, sometimes." Luke glances at him, and Chris is pinching the bridge of his nose. He shrugs. "I just wanted you to know, I get it."
Luke clears his throat. "How are you feeling?"
"Physically? Very well. How are you doing, Luke?"
Luke can see Chris taking in his appearance with a physician’s clinical eye. The way Luke's clothes hang off him, the paleness of his skin, the dark circles under his eyes.
"Just dandy."
"Yeah," Chris gives him a rueful smile. "Stupid question."
"I need to go," Luke says, stepping around him. He's nearly made his getaway when Chris calls out to him again.
"Luke...I wish there was something I could do for you. To make it easier."
Luke pauses, his hand on the doorknob. "Just take care of Katie and Jacob." He looks back over his shoulder at Chris. "And yourself."
Chris nods, looking chagrined. "I will. I promise."
Luke is in such a daze after that, he barely remembers walking down the hallway to the elevator. He must get off at the wrong floor, because instead of being in the lobby when he steps out, he's suddenly standing in front of a patient room. The room. The room Reid died in. A wave of nausea rises up in him, and he thinks his knees might give out.
"Don't think about that," Reid says from behind him, his voice low and soft and soothing in Luke's ear. He can practically feel Reid’s hand on the small of his back, gently turning him to face in the other direction. Almost immediately, he feels better. "Think about that kiss I gave you in the hallway. Right over there. Remember? That was some kiss." Luke closes his eyes, and finds himself smiling. He remembers. He remembers everything.
He turns around slowly and opens his eyes, heart full of stupid hope, but of course, no one's there.
***
Luke closes the apartment door and leans back against it, eyes shut. Usually he feels a sense of relief when he steps into his own space; at least he doesn’t have to put up the facade anymore. Right now? He’s just trying to breathe. He presses a hand to his chest, feeling like it’s his heart being torn out.
He makes his way over to the sofa on wobbly legs and sinks down into it. There's a wooden box that he keeps on the coffee table, and he grabs it and opens it up. Inside is all he has left of Reid. His cell phone. His wallet. A DVD of a shy, twelve year old chess champ that his mother had made for him from some news footage. Reid's stethoscope. Reid's black knight. He pulls Reid's license out of his wallet and stares at it. It's the only photo he has of him. Reid glares at him from the photograph and Luke laughs. “I bet you were a nightmare at the DMV.” He puts everything carefully back in the box, and sets it back down.
This is the part that no one gets. Everyone thinks it should be easier for him to get over Reid's death because they had so little time together. They'd only been together for a few months. It's not like he and Reid were engaged, or living together. They never even had sex. No one understands that that just makes it worse. All he can think about are the things they'll never do, never have, never be. He doesn't have years of memories to hold on to, to look back on fondly. All he has is this small wooden box and a fistful of regrets. It's an ache in his chest that he's never rid of. And he’s not sure he wants to be.
He waits for the tears to come, but he's so worn out, he doesn't know if he has any left. He ends up the same way he started the day, folded over at the waist with his head in his hands.
“I can’t do this anymore," he says out loud. "I just can’t. I don’t know how to do this.”
“It’s okay, Luke. I’m right here.”
Luke shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut. "No. No, you're not really here. I can't really hear you. It's all in my head! It's all in my head."
He feels a cool gust of air, soft as a caress against his cheek.
“Luke. Open your eyes.”
He shakes his head stubbornly. “No.”
“Luke. Please. Open your eyes.”
Luke turns his head slowly and blinks. And blinks again.
He's been afraid he's going crazy for days now, hearing and seeing Reid everywhere. And now Reid is standing right in front of him, close enough to touch, one arm outstretched towards him. Luke reaches out a trembling hand, heart racing crazily as Reid's form wavers unsteadily for a moment. Until they touch. Fingers interlock. Palms slide together. Reid is holding his hand. Reid is holding Luke's hand.
"Oh, God," Luke says. "Oh my God."
Luke isn’t sure how he gets there, but suddenly he's in Reid's arms, touching him and kissing him, and Reid feels like Reid and he smells like Reid and he tastes like Reid and he's Reid.
"How...how?" Luke asks, his hands everywhere. They're in Reid's hair and on his shoulders and touching his face.
Reid holds Luke fast, one arm firm around his waist, the other raised so that his hand cups Luke cheek in that way he has that always makes Luke feel cherished and beautiful and real. "Shhh, it's okay. I'm here now, Luke. I'm right here." The look of wonder on his face tells Luke that Reid’s as amazed as he is.
Luke fists his hands in Reid's shirt to pull him closer, and realizes it's the same shirt he'd been wearing the last time Luke saw him alive. The shirt that had been probably covered with blood and removed by the EMTs. But now it's like it was before the accident, clean and soft under Luke’s hands. He unbuttons it quickly and Reid stands there quietly, just letting him. Luke pushes the shirt off his shoulders and skims his hands down Reid's arms before settling at his waist. His fingers glide up over stomach and chest, and Reid shivers a little from his touch.
"You're perfect," Luke whispers. Reid is all smooth skin and lean muscle and there is not a mark on him. Not a single cut or bruise, except for a faint red line, thin like the blade of a scalpel on his chest, over his heart. When Luke presses his palm over it, it fades away.
Luke isn't sure if Reid's a ghost or a hallucination or if maybe Luke's died and gone to heaven; he doesn’t really care. All he knows is Reid is here, in his arms, and he doesn’t want that to end. Not ever. He leans in to kiss him, and their mouths and bodies are drawn together like magnets. He slides his hands into Reid's hair, pulling him even closer, kissing him more deeply, and he doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. What is the appropriate reaction when confronted with a miracle?
Luke isn’t exactly sure how they make it to the bedroom, losing clothes along the way. He presses Reid down into the mattress, covering him with his body, afraid he's going to disappear. Now that he's holding in his arms what he thought he'd lost forever, he's not about to let go. Just the thought of it terrifies him, and it's Reid who grounds him, taking Luke's face in his hands and pinning him with that intense blue gaze, telling him over and over that everything's going to be okay. Somehow, Luke believes him.
Their mouths slide together, wet, sloppy kisses that leave him moaning and gasping for breath, and he can feel Reid's hands stroking along his back, touching everywhere they can reach, gripping his ass and pulling them closer together as they thrust against each other, cocks slick and hard between them.
It’s amazing and perfect and over way too fast. Luke comes with a sob and Reid follows right afterward, saying his name over and over, like a prayer.
***
As fast and desperate as their first time is, the second time is just as slow and intimate. They take their time exploring each other’s bodies, unable to take their lips or hands or eyes off each other, for what feels like hours. Reid is propped up on his forearms, rocking slow inside him, eyes heavy lidded with desire. The muscles in his shoulders and arms flex under Luke's hands, and Luke thinks once again how beautiful he is. Luke is shaking with desire and emotion, completely overwhelmed with sensation. His aching cock is flat against his belly, and his skin breaks out in goose bumps with Reid's every thrust.
“Reid...” He doesn’t know what else to say. He grasps Reid’s biceps so he doesn‘t float up off the bed, the intensity of what he’s feeling almost more than he can stand. “Is this real?” Luke asks desperately. “Tell me it’s real.”
Reid strokes harder, deeper, and bends his head to kiss Luke again. “Can you feel me, Luke? I’m right here with you. I‘m right here.”
“I can feel you,” Luke says. He’s close. He’s so very, very close. “I can feel you everywhere.”
***
“You need to get some sleep.”
They’re all tangled up together, lying face to face, arms and legs wrapped around each other. Reid has one hand in Luke’s hair, and his lips rest against Luke’s forehead.
“I‘m a little afraid to," Luke admits. "I’m afraid you won’t be here when I wake up.”
Reid moves back a little so he can look at him, his expression serious. “I will be here. I promise." He frowns. "Now go to sleep. You look like hell.”
Luke laughs and shakes his head. "I know. And yet you look amazing. How ironic, huh?"
Reid's smile fades, and he brushes his knuckles along Luke's cheek. "I'm sorry," he says, but Luke barely hears him. He’s already nodding off, still a little scared, but too tired to do anything about it. It’s a good tired this time though, rather than the soul-sucking exhaustion of grief. He still doesn’t understand why he was given this gift, or what it means, but as he drifts off to sleep he feels Reid tighten his arms around him protectively, and he smiles.
***
It's easily the best morning Luke's had in...forever. He doesn't so much wake up as slide slowly out of sleep, and it's not to an alarm clock, but to the feel of soft lips pressed to the nape of his neck and a strong arm wrapped around his waist, pulling him closer. Reid is spooned up against him, holding him tight, and it's the best feeling in the world.
"See? I'm still here," Reid says, his voice muffled against Luke's skin, and Luke lets out a soft laugh. He should be worried, he thinks. He should be completely weirded out. He should have a million questions. And he does. He's just too happy right now to ask them.
Reid loosens his grip a little so that Luke can turn and face him.
"So that's three down, a million to go," Luke says. Reid raises an eyebrow questioningly. "We've done three of about a million things we never got to do together. Sex, falling asleep together, and waking up together."
Reid brings his hand up to touch Luke's chin, amused.
"You have a list?"
"I do now."
***
"If this is what going crazy feels like, it's okay with me."
They've showered together (four down, Luke says) , dressed, and made it to the living room. Luke is sitting sideways on the sofa, half in Reid's lap, and they can't seem to stop touching each other. And the entire time Luke has a big, stupid grin on his face. Reid doesn't seem to mind.
Reid takes his hand, threading their fingers together. "You're not going crazy."
"If you're my hallucination, it's probably in your best interests to tell me that." Reid chuckles and Luke leans in to nuzzle his nose against Reid's cheek.
"You want me to put on a white sheet and say 'boo'?"
Luke pulls his head up to look at him, squeezing his hand. "I don't understand. Even if...Reid, I can feel you."
"I don't think we're supposed to understand." He rests his hand against the nape of Luke's neck, and winks at him. "Because, seriously? If I can't figure it out..."
Luke smiles, but it's fleeting. He bites his lip. "And I'm almost afraid to ask this, but...why are you here? For how...how long?"
Reid's hand slides from his neck to his cheek, and he thumbs over Luke's cheekbone. "I'm here because you need me to be. For as long as you need me to be."
“I’ve needed you all along.”
Reid looks like he wants to say something, but doesn’t.
“Reid?”
“I don’t make the rules,” he finally says.
Luke grins. “Since when?”
Reid grins back. “It’s been quite the adjustment, believe me.”
Luke raises a hand and traces his fingertips along Reid’s jaw. “I missed you so much.”
Reid turns his head, pressing a kiss into Luke‘s palm. “I missed you, too. I...I wasn’t supposed to. They’re supposed to, I don’t know, relieve you of those emotions, I guess. But...I still missed you.”
Luke runs his fingers through Reid's hair. “So you don’t make the rules, but you still break them.”
"Like I told you before, I'm good at making trouble."
"You sure are. You turned my whole life upside down."
Reid smiles fondly. "Look who's talking."
Tears sting Luke's eyes. and he shakes his head, annoyed with himself. "We were just getting started. We had so much ahead of us."
"We still do."
"But.. but how? I'm going to bring my ghost boyfriend to Sunday dinner? How's that going to work?"
"Luke, we're going to get to do everything on your list. I promise you." He smiles. "Just maybe not in the exact way you'd imagined. Better than you imagined."
"I don't know, I have a pretty good imagination."
Reid kisses him softly. "Lucky for me."
This whole conversation is making Luke dizzy. He rests his head against Reid's shoulder, the palm of Reid's hand against the back of his neck, holding him steady. Gentle. Safe.
"Reid?" Luke tries to take a deep breath, but he can't seem to get any air. He grips Reid's arm tightly. “Something’s...happening.”
Reid's voice is so quiet and calming in his ear. "It's okay, Luke. I'm going to be here with you the whole time. Just like you were there with me." Luke can barely muster the strength to turn his head to look at Reid, who is gazing at him with such love in his eyes. "You're in renal failure, Luke. You have been for awhile. You're going into v-fib - that’s a heart arrhythmia caused by high potassium levels in your blood. It’s going to be very fast. I wasn’t allowed to interfere.” His voice breaks. “That‘s the one rule I had to follow if I wanted to be here with you."
Luke nods his understanding. Weight loss, exhaustion, nausea, dizziness, aching joints -- all things he's attributed to his depression over losing Reid. But he should have known. Maybe he had. His heart is fluttering like a bird that’s trying to escape it’s cage; it feels like it’s going to fly right out of his chest. But it doesn't hurt. Not really. Luke’s vision begins to darken and he knows he’s going to lose consciousness soon. He thinks about his family, but he knows they’ll be all right. They have each other. He takes in Reid’s comforting scent, feels his arms around him, strong and sure.
“Love you, Reid.”
“I love you, too, Luke.”
It‘s getting hard for him to speak. "You're...gonna be with me?"
"Yeah," Reid says, pulling him closer, threading his hands through Luke’s hair. "Now, and for as long as you'll put up with me."
"How 'bout forever?" Luke asks.
He smiles, and closes his eyes.
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Inspired by the fic Cross Road Blues, a Giles/Anya fic in the Buffy fandom written by my friend ljs, as well as the film "Truly, Madly, Deeply."
Special thanks to ceallaigh_hk for her medical expertise. I hope I didn't screw anything up too much.