Conspiracy Theorists
They're everywhere. They're all around you. They're all around me. Conspiracy theorists. You may not think you know what I'm talking about, but trust me; you know what I'm talking about. They're these people who, no matter what happens in life or no matter how inevitable and uncontrollable certain things in this world may be, have completely convinced themselves that the entirety of the human population is against them. Everyone. The whole god damn world is out to get them. It's as if the portion of their brain used to develop logical deductions and follow common-sense trains of thought has completely shut down, or perhaps it never even developed. How can you identify such individuals? It's really fairly easy. Just follow the trail of bullshit! You can even utilize this method as a dating technique, easily pinpointing the precise time frame in which the subject has been a conspiracy theorist. Simply calculate the inverse proportion to how completely absurd their method of thought is and, voila! For example, a subject who can seen saying "everyone comes in here and breaks my shit" followed by a much saner subject asking "what has ever been broken?" and the inevitable "uuh, uhh, well nothing, YET," is a tell tale sign of a chronic and life-long conspiracy theorist. These conspiracy theorists consistently fail to recognize things like the fact that all humans are self-serving, even if they don't intend to be. Virtually all people do things in life that are going to annoy you or drive a stake of irritation right into your sore spot. Practically everyone does things that are kind of shitty, and will let you down in some way, even if they don't intend to do so or mean it in any sort of malicious way. But above and beyond this, the most tell tale sign of a conspiracy theorist is the hypocrisy. Rule one; conspiracy theorists cannot and will not ever recognize the ways in which they are hypocritical. Rule two; they cannot and will not ever equate two completely alike situations as equal. Rule three; they cannot and will not ever acknowledge their weaknesses, low-points, or mistakes. Rule four; they cannot and will not ever observe equality between their actions and the actions of others. Rule five; immaturity is a self-prescribed attribute, and if one does not believe themselves to be immature, then no other outside party can label said person as such. And finally rule six, a conspiracy theorist cannot and will not EVER see the world otherwise. Perhaps you would like some examples. Well I have some for you, and they may be rather specific, but never the less informative.
Imagine for a moment the following situation. It involves four subjects, subjects A, B, C, and D. We'll call them Abby, Bob, Carmen and Drew. One time, however long ago, Abby and Carmen exchanged secrets as girlfriends often do. Abby of course told her boyfriend Bob about what Carmen told her, as couples often share such information. Carmen also told her boyfriend Drew all about what Abby told her.
Then one day, many months later, an unknown variable releases some sort of information that sets Bob into a rage and causes him to confront Abby about the betrayal. In the process, Bob taps Carmen and Drew for information regarding what he heard. Drew willingly states what he knows, while Carmen throws a fit not wanting to say anything. Finally she shares what she knows, simultaneously begging Bob to not tell Abby what she told him so that Abby won't hate her. Lucky for Carmen, Abby is not a conspiracy theorist. Abby is capable of seeing the larger picture and admitting to her own mistakes, rather than the small-time problem of Carmen spilling her secret. She doesn't give a shit that Carmen said anything, recognizing that she dug her own hole and must live with the consequences.
Now Bob, knowing both Carmen's secret and what it's like to have that information hidden from you, decides to give Carmen an ultimatum, that she either tell Drew her secret or he will. Not wanting to make false statements or accusations, Bob contacts other sources for their version of the information. But Bob wasn't careful enough with his own personal possessions, and left a computer on by accident, a computer which contained a conversation addressing the secret that Carmen told Abby who told Bob. Carmen and Drew notice said conversation on Bob's computer, and unanimously decide that it is their business to read it. Moments later, they realize that those who eavesdrop hear bad things, and have discovered that the conversation was not intended for them to read. But, in accordance with rule three, rather than deducing that the conversations contained on another person's computer, a conversation held between two unique individuals, is private and not intended for the eyes of others, Carmen and Drew jump to the conclusion that a conspiracy is in place against them, and that the conversation was planted in order for them to find.
Allow me to quickly recap the conclusions made by Carmen and Drew so far. A conversation had between two people in private on private property is in fact not private and is instead the property of Carmen and Drew as well, and they have committed to fault or wrongdoing in their actions whatsoever. A conversation had between two people in private and on private property could in no way be an honest conversation and must instead be a plant, intended to cause unrest between Carmen and Drew. It is never okay for two people to have conversations regarding other individuals without the express written consent of those individuals, and without their presence and inclusion during said conversation.
Outraged not at their own decisions, but at the private conversations of Bob, Carmen and Drew want to confront Bob. Bob agrees to talk with Drew about the conversation, and they set up a time in which to do so. Drew ensures that Carmen is out of the house during the schedules time, and converses with Bob accordingly. Bob simply recites to Drew the bits and pieces he has heard from his many sources regarding the secret that Carmen told Abby. Convinced that the world is against him, Drew refuses to believe any and all evidence presented to him, instead shooting the messenger and claiming that the decision to present him this information was based solely on a desire to “start shit” and was little more than an act of revenge on the part of Bob for the fact that he got mad when Drew and Carmen told him Abby’s secret, bringing us to a quintessential example of rules one, two and four.
Following the encounter, Drew and Carmen refuse to speak with Bob or Abby for several days, completely ignoring their presence and existence. Drew cannot admit to himself that other people may be right, Carmen cannot admit to herself that she made mistakes in the past, and exemplary presentation of rules two, three, four, and five, and Bob and Abby are permanently labeled as “shit starters,” “drama lovers” and “stupid bitches who just try to break us up.” Drew continues to keep to himself, and Carmen decides that she completely hates Abby. Forever. She hates her. That bitch fucking betrayed her. Wait, Abby betrayed Carmen? What about what Carmen did to Abby? Carmen spilled what she knew when Bob called upon her to do so. Abby spilled what she knew when Drew called upon her to do so. Yet according to Carmen, she was in the right, and Abby of course was not. Being as these two situations were identical, we have another fine illustration of the all important rule number one.
Carmen then decides that, prior to her constant complaints against girls that ignore her and just talk to her boyfriend, and ignoring the fact that she’s a fucking hypocrite for it, she will talk only to Bob, but never again to Abby, becoming herself that which she supposedly hates. While Abby does her best to put the situation behind her, confused as to Carmen’s animosity towards her, Carmen continues to dwell on the experiences, perpetuating her lack of morals by publicly parading the incident around online in her best attempt to draw sympathy and kind words from people whom she didn’t bother to tell the whole story, all the while convinced she is completely in the right, and is more than fully justified in hating Abby forever and calling her names in online communities, touting the fact that “It brought us close together” failing to recognize the fact that a similar situation might have brought Abby and Bob closer together, because recognizing this would betray their devotion to rule number six, and would negate any and all possible chances that Abby and Bob are “stupid bitches tryin’ to cause drama,” but in truth are really just two people who tried to do the right thing, the same thing which was in fact done unto them.
And that my friends, is a most prime example of conspiracy theorists.