(no subject)
so i've been having some bad days lately when i wake up to friends either ditching me on plans or making snarky comments about things i have tried to plan and since canceled because of them. not just like, friends, but my best friends. and trying to sleep tonight, i think i may have pinpointed why i fucking hate home so much.
at school, i get to see leigh all the time and i dont feel like she likes other people more than me, i dont feel bad calling her. and i feel wanted by people, i feel like i have friends and im not this loser who clings to other people for their friendship etc. im generally more confident. and social.
i havent seen anyone but my parents since sunday night. this entire break, i sleep for 12-15 hours a day, wake up around 1-3, go to the gym for 2-3 hours, for lack of better things to do, come home and read or listen to my mom harp on trying to get me to pack.
and sit. and sit and hope someone calls, someone texts. anyone almost.
heres the thing - i care about roughly 5 people when i come home. leigh, amara, emily, kenny and i guess joseph. the first two i never see cause they have other high school friends, who i guess i'm friends with, but not really. emily always seems to be doing something, even though its her who complains about us never hanging out. when we do, its always fucking me going to her house and following her around like a fucking puppy, like i have nothing else to do. which is fine cause i normally dont. i just care about seeing her and making a fucking effort to salvage our friendship and this seems to be the only way i can.
joseph, i always get this weird i dont know when im going to call you thing about, so thats my own fault.
kenny, ive seen a lot of him, but just one on one. and i love it its super fun, and his, "our" group of friends is the closest thing i have to group of friends but i really just dont care about them. i love just hanging out with kenny, cause thats exactly what i want to do, hang out with kenny.
so then theres new years. the only thing going on is in harrisonburg, so kenny and i were going to throw a nice dinner party that people said they would go to, but then no one responded to the invite and leigh was like maybe, after telling me in person yes, complaining about the lack of boys invited. im sorry, but they only make a big mess. and i dont care, i just want to see you. thats all. so when she makes this comment, it pisses me off. fuck you leigh, go whereever you want, i tried to do something nice, go do what you want and then go to savannah with liz when she leaves the next day, i'll see you in may have fun.
so i guess im going to harrisonburg although i really really dont want to. cause if i dont, i'll try to drink by myself like i have the past couple of nights cause i mope and i get sad like i did tonight and i dont want to fucking go to harrisonburg. so i say i'll call emily and see what shes doing, but im sure its something with her brother and his friends, or leigh, and that will be with the drama girls.
so it all comes down to this. i come home, and if i want to do anything fun, i have to choose between my 3 best friends and what group of friends i have to pretend to like in order to do it. its like, who do i want to fake out tonight just to say i was social or saw my fucking best friends over break before i leave for spain. thats all i want to do. just pisses me off and makes me super fucking sad like i havent been in a long time and i dont like it. i dont like going to the gym and hoping i fall off the treadmill after the second hour of cardio so that i go to the hospital and maybe my best friends will come see me then. maybe they will come see me then.
and getting that out didnt help at all. i dont know what to do now. i cant focus on my book, i dont want to leave my bed but i cant face trying to go to sleep again yet. i wont wake up and feel better cause i will remember that i told kenny i would go with him. and ill have fun at jmu, but i dont want to fucking go. i want to stay home and do nothing, but then i know i'll feel worse tomorrow. and maybe just fall of the treadmill tomorrow so that i have an excuse to shy away from everyone.
wait, i've been doing that all break without being injured and no ones noticed yet. i just need the injury to make myself feel more justified about it rather than depressed cause its another night without hearing from anyone.
could i call leigh? sure. and emily. actually, i texted emily tonight, shes with her brother. i have this stupid fear that im tearing them away from something awfully important or someone and i just dont want to know that im right i guess, that they're having fun without me. cause im not having fun without them.
emily and nicholas god sometimes that annoys me. and his friends. she sees them more than me and thats fine, until she complains about never seeing me and im like, cause youre ALWAYS FUCKING WITH THEM AND I GET QUIET CAUSE FOR AS LONG AS IVE KNOWN THEM, I DONT FUCKING KNOW THEM. and theyre all judging me for being the "liberal" friend and i want to punch them when they make offhanded conservatively stupid remarks, but i hold my tongue cause im used to it in that house.
i just want to hurt myself or get really sick so that i dont have to do anything tomorrow and not feel bad about it. and thats terrible. maybe i wont go to the gym, but i know i will and hope i like, exhaust myself or fall off a bike or something, but i know i dont have the guts to do that. but what do i do now.
at school, i get to see leigh all the time and i dont feel like she likes other people more than me, i dont feel bad calling her. and i feel wanted by people, i feel like i have friends and im not this loser who clings to other people for their friendship etc. im generally more confident. and social.
i havent seen anyone but my parents since sunday night. this entire break, i sleep for 12-15 hours a day, wake up around 1-3, go to the gym for 2-3 hours, for lack of better things to do, come home and read or listen to my mom harp on trying to get me to pack.
and sit. and sit and hope someone calls, someone texts. anyone almost.
heres the thing - i care about roughly 5 people when i come home. leigh, amara, emily, kenny and i guess joseph. the first two i never see cause they have other high school friends, who i guess i'm friends with, but not really. emily always seems to be doing something, even though its her who complains about us never hanging out. when we do, its always fucking me going to her house and following her around like a fucking puppy, like i have nothing else to do. which is fine cause i normally dont. i just care about seeing her and making a fucking effort to salvage our friendship and this seems to be the only way i can.
joseph, i always get this weird i dont know when im going to call you thing about, so thats my own fault.
kenny, ive seen a lot of him, but just one on one. and i love it its super fun, and his, "our" group of friends is the closest thing i have to group of friends but i really just dont care about them. i love just hanging out with kenny, cause thats exactly what i want to do, hang out with kenny.
so then theres new years. the only thing going on is in harrisonburg, so kenny and i were going to throw a nice dinner party that people said they would go to, but then no one responded to the invite and leigh was like maybe, after telling me in person yes, complaining about the lack of boys invited. im sorry, but they only make a big mess. and i dont care, i just want to see you. thats all. so when she makes this comment, it pisses me off. fuck you leigh, go whereever you want, i tried to do something nice, go do what you want and then go to savannah with liz when she leaves the next day, i'll see you in may have fun.
so i guess im going to harrisonburg although i really really dont want to. cause if i dont, i'll try to drink by myself like i have the past couple of nights cause i mope and i get sad like i did tonight and i dont want to fucking go to harrisonburg. so i say i'll call emily and see what shes doing, but im sure its something with her brother and his friends, or leigh, and that will be with the drama girls.
so it all comes down to this. i come home, and if i want to do anything fun, i have to choose between my 3 best friends and what group of friends i have to pretend to like in order to do it. its like, who do i want to fake out tonight just to say i was social or saw my fucking best friends over break before i leave for spain. thats all i want to do. just pisses me off and makes me super fucking sad like i havent been in a long time and i dont like it. i dont like going to the gym and hoping i fall off the treadmill after the second hour of cardio so that i go to the hospital and maybe my best friends will come see me then. maybe they will come see me then.
and getting that out didnt help at all. i dont know what to do now. i cant focus on my book, i dont want to leave my bed but i cant face trying to go to sleep again yet. i wont wake up and feel better cause i will remember that i told kenny i would go with him. and ill have fun at jmu, but i dont want to fucking go. i want to stay home and do nothing, but then i know i'll feel worse tomorrow. and maybe just fall of the treadmill tomorrow so that i have an excuse to shy away from everyone.
wait, i've been doing that all break without being injured and no ones noticed yet. i just need the injury to make myself feel more justified about it rather than depressed cause its another night without hearing from anyone.
could i call leigh? sure. and emily. actually, i texted emily tonight, shes with her brother. i have this stupid fear that im tearing them away from something awfully important or someone and i just dont want to know that im right i guess, that they're having fun without me. cause im not having fun without them.
emily and nicholas god sometimes that annoys me. and his friends. she sees them more than me and thats fine, until she complains about never seeing me and im like, cause youre ALWAYS FUCKING WITH THEM AND I GET QUIET CAUSE FOR AS LONG AS IVE KNOWN THEM, I DONT FUCKING KNOW THEM. and theyre all judging me for being the "liberal" friend and i want to punch them when they make offhanded conservatively stupid remarks, but i hold my tongue cause im used to it in that house.
i just want to hurt myself or get really sick so that i dont have to do anything tomorrow and not feel bad about it. and thats terrible. maybe i wont go to the gym, but i know i will and hope i like, exhaust myself or fall off a bike or something, but i know i dont have the guts to do that. but what do i do now.