La Douleur Exquise
A few things have changed since I last wrote. Things with my family have done another 180. It tends to happen every couple of years. Something happens and the family is broken apart. It's been a rough couple of months dealing with that. Trying to stay whole when I'm torn in alot of different ways. I struggle to not pick a side. To stay neutral. I struggle to not give too much of myself to the situation. I know that if I give into it too much, I will lose myself. And lose all progress I have made for myself. I can't have that. Not again.
Things are in the upswing. A new job. A raise. A promotion. All very good things. It makes my goals seem much more real. Much more in my reach. I like that feeling. The feeling of working towards a goal and actually getting it. In a month, my car will be fixed. And in 3-4, I will have my own place. And it will be all my doing with no help from anyone. I'm excited to feel that feeling of achievement and independence. It's all I've ever really wanted for myself. To do my own thing. To be independent. To not be scared of life and being on my own. It feels nice being out there again. It feels nice moving forward.
On the relationship front, things are going well. He took me to New York for my birthday. It was amazing. New York is so different. Alive. Vibrating with energy. It was intoxicating. It was nice to see where he grew up. I think it brought us alittle bit closer. For him to show me that part of him was very special. Unique to me. Unique to him, I think. I don't think it was something he has done alot of. He gave me diamond earrings and I cried. For once, a guy gave me something that wasn't out of guilt, an apology, or wanted something from me. It was something given to me genuinely because he thought I was special. It's a good feeling being that to someone. To be looked at adoringly. Held lovingly.
But... things are bittersweet. Great because we get along and work well together. But saddening because after 2 1/2 years, we still have not progressed. And I'm unsure if they ever will. Not for a lack of trying. Not because I don't want it. But because, he says he's incapable of committing right now. It makes things really scary. I want to feel safe in the relationship. I get 2 contradicting feelings when I am with him. The feeling of safety and fear rolled into one. It's very confusing and I don't know what to do. I can't make him change his mind. I've tried to show him that I'm someone that he can trust all of his heart to. But he just won't budge. I don't know if it's a losing battle. I'm starting to feel powerful. And starting to feel like, I don't want to settle if this is all it's ever going to be. I don't want to wait another 3 years for the possibility of finally being able to feel completely safe in this relationship. I love him with all of my heart. I know him and I have something so very special. But I do know myself. I know how things effect me. I know that the relationship will stir up my feelings of insecurity when I'm trying to build up my confidence. So, I'm left with a troubling decision. Granted, I won't make it yet. But it's going to be tough to decide whether to settle or to let him go and not have him at all. It is an exquisite pain.
-M
Things are in the upswing. A new job. A raise. A promotion. All very good things. It makes my goals seem much more real. Much more in my reach. I like that feeling. The feeling of working towards a goal and actually getting it. In a month, my car will be fixed. And in 3-4, I will have my own place. And it will be all my doing with no help from anyone. I'm excited to feel that feeling of achievement and independence. It's all I've ever really wanted for myself. To do my own thing. To be independent. To not be scared of life and being on my own. It feels nice being out there again. It feels nice moving forward.
On the relationship front, things are going well. He took me to New York for my birthday. It was amazing. New York is so different. Alive. Vibrating with energy. It was intoxicating. It was nice to see where he grew up. I think it brought us alittle bit closer. For him to show me that part of him was very special. Unique to me. Unique to him, I think. I don't think it was something he has done alot of. He gave me diamond earrings and I cried. For once, a guy gave me something that wasn't out of guilt, an apology, or wanted something from me. It was something given to me genuinely because he thought I was special. It's a good feeling being that to someone. To be looked at adoringly. Held lovingly.
But... things are bittersweet. Great because we get along and work well together. But saddening because after 2 1/2 years, we still have not progressed. And I'm unsure if they ever will. Not for a lack of trying. Not because I don't want it. But because, he says he's incapable of committing right now. It makes things really scary. I want to feel safe in the relationship. I get 2 contradicting feelings when I am with him. The feeling of safety and fear rolled into one. It's very confusing and I don't know what to do. I can't make him change his mind. I've tried to show him that I'm someone that he can trust all of his heart to. But he just won't budge. I don't know if it's a losing battle. I'm starting to feel powerful. And starting to feel like, I don't want to settle if this is all it's ever going to be. I don't want to wait another 3 years for the possibility of finally being able to feel completely safe in this relationship. I love him with all of my heart. I know him and I have something so very special. But I do know myself. I know how things effect me. I know that the relationship will stir up my feelings of insecurity when I'm trying to build up my confidence. So, I'm left with a troubling decision. Granted, I won't make it yet. But it's going to be tough to decide whether to settle or to let him go and not have him at all. It is an exquisite pain.
-M