or is it something worse that sends me down to the river?

[cinderand_smoke]

I feel rather distraught. I hate when I get this way, anxious for little reason. I get here for no good reason, and I end up sitting and looking into darkness for minutes before I regain the will to keep going. Today kept reminding me of summer, despite it being unlike summer in every way possible. But my mom was out, school was over, and I was laying in the basement. I had all the lights off except for the small white one near the record player, and Radiohead came on. Twas 'Lucky' that played, I believe. Anyway, I just sat there, and I could see the sun through the window, and I looked around me. It felt like summer. Maybe it was because I was happy at the moment for no good reason. Things just felt so simple and wonderful in their simplicity. I sat there for a long time. Alas, the rain too. It has been raining all week long, and I just get a cozy feeling whenever it is blustery rain outside and I am inside. It always reminds me of this one summers day long ago. I was elementary school, not sure what grade exactly. But it was raining, it being summer I took advantage of the 65 degree weather and layered myself completely. Lauren and I sat on the futons in the basement and ate mac'n'cheese whilst watching a film. That sounds pointless, and it was, but not in the traditional way. It was brilliant because my hair was wet. It was brilliant because we were watching mediocre Twister because the night before the Fredericks sisters were over, and Lindsay had convinced us to rent it. It was brilliant because it was before I spent all my time in the basement lair, so it felt like we were forced to be confined inside. I always think of that day when it rains, and I thought about it all day today. Now however, I am cooling off. Nothing happened as I said, little things just delve into my neurosis sometimes, I guess. But I am listening to Bruce Springsteen and the E Streeters, and I feel heavy with change. All the people from over the years that aren't in my life anymore, how I just to percieve myself versus now, and a bunch of small memories keep coming to mind.

This entry says nothing, and was meant to do so. I just felt like gathering my feelings, and this was an outlet.

I really do have a good life, maybe that was the point that wasn't made obvious. I've been thinking about what a good life I have. I really do. I love my family, and the other people in my life. I think I'm getting there, to a happy place in my life.