Relationship Issues
I'm afraid I find myself quite restless and without sleep again this night. As it seems, I have a bit I feel I need to say to myself. Lately it has become difficult of me to interpret my thoughts regarding this subject of love.
For those of you whom are ill informed, I am with a lovely girl named Jasmine. A rather quiet, nerdy, and essentric girl, I have been dating her for what almost could be called a year. Lately I feel there is a problem with our relationship, and that problem is of course myself. I am not happy, at least I do not think I am.
Jasmine is a very different person, I like her for many reasons. She easily identifies with many of my own interests, including religion, culture, art, music, video games, movies, design, and on and on and on. We met at the library, and one of our first conversations detailed the various aspects we imagined in our dream home.
She is a very forward girl who does not seem to mind being socially awkward. Despite our numerous pleasurable liknesses I find myself realizing that our differences are very dramatic and have become so that I feel deeply troubled. She keeps to herself, her mannerisms are strange, and the inner workings of her emotions, thoughts, and feelings are often well kept unspoken.
Unfortunately there is a bit to this a good relationship talking will not solve. Within the last year it has been confirmed that she had been misdiagnosed with schziophrenia and thusly mistreated. Numerous tests conclude that she more accurately is diagnosed with aspergers syndrom. Being exposed to her personality, I do not doubt this claim.
Dealing with this aspect in a relationship is of course staggering. Little issues that come up can't be fixed with talking. Her personality seems to be very straightforward and unbending; she seems to be incapable with identifying my emotional ques.
If anyone knows me they would know that I am an extremly emotional person, wether myself or anyone else likes it or not.
This is my problem.
I learned of her syndrom and ultimately decided to struggle against it. Each time there has been a situation, a misunderstanding, or a little trouble in the relationship I would sit down and spell it out to her. I'd explain my feelings, and explain why she may not have picked up on what was going on. The typical scenario would include her simply not knowing there was ever a problem, when it seemed to me that there was clearly a disconection that should have been recognized.
At first she resented that I would do this, thinking that I had become needlessly expressive of myself. I had to explain to her that this was a problem, and that by taking the time to calmly address the problem as they arrise was the best way I could involve her into identifying the situation. She accepted this, and was quite thankful of my understanding and so forth.
However, this does not make a healthy relationship. As I have said, I do not feel happy.
In this relationship I have my interests satisfied. I have a girl to cook for, play video games with, discuss topics with, and so forth. But at the end of the day, I do not feel as if my emotions were understood. My social and emotional ques are more then often find themselves falling on deaf ears. What more, I find myself going beyond the relm of simply offering guidance and advice, to literally becoming the only constructive force to hold together the relationship.
I would be terribly hurt if any one of my friends did not understand that I simply love to help people. I work quite hard at listening to people, and I enjoy it immensely. But this, I feel, is becoming too much. I am working hard, and feel nothing.
Don't get my wrong. I adore Jasmine. I really really like Jasmine. I like spending time with Jasmine. I like cuddling with Jasmine. I love pleasing, cooking, and caring for Jasmine...
But.. I do not feel it is returned
What tears me apart, each time I see her, each time I talk to her, is that I can see that she is trying. She is trying to figure this thing out, trying to figure out what to say, what to do, what to feel. I can see, sometimes, all these things. And it kills me to feel so selfish that I'd suggest she did not care.
She does care. She does want to offer these forms of support, but because of her inability to recognize the emotions I express she never knows when or where to begin.
She does not understand me, and that is completely not her fault. She is trying.
Should her efforts be enough for me? Should I feel satisfied that I know deep down somewhere inside her that she has these feelings? Am I being too demanding to want to see them expressed?
It is difficult to say. Perhaps it's easy for others to answer.
I come home from a bad day. It's been a very long bad day, and there she is sleeping in the same spot I left her in the morning. She wakes, and hears about my bad day. I need a hug. I just really need a hug, and I need someone to support me. Does she hug me? Does she consul me? Does she offer any support?
Only after thinking about it for twenty minutes while rolling over and resuming her nap.
She says she was afraid I didn't want a hug.
Sure, this is acceptable. But in my opinion, after a year of this... no. No, I feel I should be understood by now. I would never turn to Jasmine and say "stop hugging me".
That's the problem. She lacks confidence.
My interests in a girl include an inner strength, and it is an easy thing to pick up on. I see it in many of my friends.
Jasmine does not trust herself, she is unsure of her decisions, she is unaware of her surroundings, and I literally see her as weak. I cannot help it. Deep down I see her as weak, and I can't help but resent that.
What do I do?
I always believe that relationships require work, and I do work. I work very very hard at this.
But I don't feel complete. I don't feel happy.
I don't feel happy because deep down I know that I will not marry this girl. I don't feel she'd make a good mother, and you have no idea how important that is to me, even this early. Of course I don't go into a relationship and think these things, but after some time I try to picture myself in the future. Honestly, Jasmine does not seem strong willed enough to endure.
So what do I do?
Do I end it now? My immediate answer is yes.
But what of Jasmine? It's not her fault! Deep down I know this can't be helped, and it happens in any relationship.
I know how important I am to Jasmine. This isn't even my ego talking right now. The sad thing is, I probably really am the best thing thats happened to her. She's had so many problems in her life that I have no doubt that she'd do something dangerous if I were to leave.
I don't want to leave. I'd prefer to remain friends.
But of course I know that would not work for her. That would be so painful.
So what do I do? Let nature work it's course? Let it grow worse and worse inside until it just ends? She doesn't seem to notice my disconnections, my distances, my concerns. I'm the one who is having the relationship troubles in this relationship, no her.
I am straightforward, almost as much as Jasmine is. I want to get on with my life and tell her whats really on my mind.
But fucking damn it all.. I don't want her hurt.
tl;dr
Jasmine doesn't satisfy my emotional needs. I don't know how to address this any further then I have previously, I don't feel happy, I am considering seeing other people.