If I Cut Out My Uterus, Will I Bleed More Or Less?
Things which I do regularly:
And it's a new year!! Yay!! I still haven't finished Suitable, like I meant to. The whole riding off to Scotland, burning the English monarcy might actually happen now, instead of short, sweet ending. Angsty McAngst is still dragging on. I've just got fucking bits and pieces, and don't know what I'm gonna do with those pieces. Try and string them together?? Delete and rewrite??
Okay, so, I know what I want to happen, kind of. Eggsy and Roxy go home and sleep. Cries his heart out to her and his mum. Goes back to work and gets the fuck on with his life. It's fucking hard as shit, because he sees them all the time, he gets missions and delivers reports, and has to look at the pair of them day after day after fucking day. But they all knew the fucking stakes, and he's not going to make things even more awkward and uncomfortable by looking like he's visibly fucking wounded. And if things aren't as easy as they used to be, before everything, well that's the trade off, innit? Maybe one day they'll get back to that easy friendship but, maybe, it's better that it's stilted right now, on all sides, because that way it's not just him. He's not sure what that fucking means, and he ain't about to look into it either, but it helps - fuck, no it doesn't, but he can pretend it does, and put his feeling aside and get on with his damn job like the fucking adult he is.
And I kind of want to end it there. Just like that. No true resolution. Have them all be fucked up and off balance and too hurt and angry to be truly dead inside but fucking close. The end. But even though that's the way I'd almost prefer it, because who the fuck even gets a happy ending in real life? Fucking no one, it's all shit, but this isn't real life, it's a story, so my brein's still thinking over, and continuing, because
You know Eggsy looks like absolute fucking shit. He's tricking himself into thinking that he don't look that bad, it's fine. A little dark around the eyes, maybe, but who gets a full nights sleep anyway? And Roxy's so very concerned. She wishes she knew who he was fucking because, civilian or not, she'd find them and beat them until she or Eggsy felt better, which ever came last. She's not the only one whose noticed either. The knights are basically family. Some of them have wives, children, but mostly they're life long bachelors, or routinely shack up with each other. And Roxy and Eggsy are like the itty, bitty baby siblings. But Eggsy's the youngest, a fact which Roxy continually crows about, and so when he comes in, week after week, looking worse and worse, they're understanably concerned. Except, they're also all fucked up spies and assassins, so they're 100% behind Roxys idea to find his ex's and hurt them in various, specialised ways.
And on the one hand, I kind of want this to be how Merlin and Harry find out. Maybe Merlin gets asked by one of the nights to do a bit of checking, find out who he'd been sleeping with if he can, and Harry over hears some comments, and they put it together that they fucked up. Bad. But that'd be too easy. If I'm gonna give them some sort of happy ending, I want them to fucking suffer first. This way, they could just find Eggsy, have that long over due talk. It'd all be fucking sunshine and daisies, although I like to imagine Roxy would still skin them alive.
Instead, the knights get increasingly worried, and start putting their heads together to try and cheer Eggsy up. Work to foist the missions he likes best onto him, treat him to dinner, train and laugh and joke. It's what they always to - nothing more or less than they did when Bors wife left him for good. But Harry and Merlin don't quite grasp that, and it stops them from even thinking about getting over Eggsy. Because they're good men, they are, but they're also jealous and possessive and whenever they see Gawain hanging over Eggsy (usually whispering stupid fucking jokes into his ear, to try and make him laugh, to try and pull out that increasingly ellusive smile), or Kay shoulder to shoulder with the younger man (usually sitting pressed up close together, because it's the way he learnt how to make bombs, and if it ain't broke...), or Percival plastered up against his back, as they sweat in the training rooms (adjusting his piss poor stance, Percival would ask who the fuck taught the kid his basic fighting stances if he didn't already know he was self taught), all that Merlin and Harry can think about is that all Eggsy ever wanted them for was for sex, and he could be getting it from anyone else, and they wouldn't fucking know. It makes them so possessive it's almost intolerable.
Of course, most of the kingsmen are touchy-feely fucks, because most of them lack proper support structures outside of work, and during work the only physical touch they receive is negative and violent, so they make it up with each other. There's nothing sexual about it, which some how makes it worse, because Harry and Merlin don't even have that, anymore.
And so the knights are carefully orchestrating within themselves the handout of missions. Sure, Merlin usually assigns them, but if they don't want to take the mission, someone else will always step up, and it's no big hassle. Which means that, so far, Eggsy's got a fuck ton of fun missions. And they start to think that maybe he needs to stop thinking on his ex's, and find someone new. Not for a relationship, just to fuck. Maybe that'll help. And, what do you know, a honey trap mission comes up. Normally Gawaine does these, because he's unashamedly fucking great at it, and he likes it. 'Sex', he often says, 'holds zero emotional attachment for me, so I can fuck them over as easily as I fuck them.' And, luckily, the mark is just the sort of scum bag who'd take Eggsy over Gawaine. Not to say anything about either of them, but, currently, Gawaine is a fit, strong man, not as young as he once was, though he certainly looks nothing like his actual age. Eggsy, on the other hand, with the dark marks hollowing out his eyes, his slighter stature, and his eyes which can look so, so young, appears devestatingly vulnerable at times.
And, as stated, the mark is the kind of person who'd chose the unstable, vulnerable lad over someone who appeared to be his equal. (And Gawaine is very strong about the 'appears to be' part of that, as he'd like it pointed out that he's ultimately superior). So Eggsy goes out and, instead of just his appointed handler watching over the mission, they're all fucking there. Merlin and Harry are on their way to do something, when they come across the whole group leaning over one of the witches, watching Eggsy. He's just caught the guys attention, playing up his vulnerability, and Eggsy ofc doesn't know he's being watched by anyone other than his appointed witch, really doesn't fucking know that he's being watched by Merlin and Harry, so he's got no problem using his own problem to ensnare his mark.
And Eggsy knows exaclty what type of guy this fucker is, as well. He wants to draw out Eggsys vulnerability. Sees the cracks of his mask, wants to pry them open - acting like he cares, like he wants to help, but all he really wants is to make Eggsy hurt more. So he puts up a bit of a front, with it, makes the guy work for it, and the man's hooked. And then Eggsy's letting him know about how his previous partner just wanted him for sex, led him on until they got what they wanted, got bored, and there's not much Eggsy could do at this point to fuck up the mission, he's got the man right where he wants him, talking about his unfortunately all too real woes.
Back at HQ, the knights are ready to fucking riot, because they sure as hell know it's true, and they're all putting their two cents in as to how much they'd like to 'have a word' with the people who so completely broke Eggsys heart. And Harry and Merlin are just standing in the back of the room with the dawning realisation that they're fucked up. It's not Eggsy who wasn't playing for keeps, it was them who'd not bothered to maintain the relationship properly, they'd let it slip through their fingers. They'd caused their own misery, and now got to witness the consequences, as Eggsy cried his pain into the bare chest of the man he was fucking (and, oh, that's a world of hurt, watching through the glasses as Eggsy fucked the mark, sniffling all the while at the 'tender care.') and there's no way they can fix it. Not now. Not for a while.
It's not a wham-bam-thank you ma'am mission. He's undercover for at least a fortnight, probably not longer since the mark's being so co-operative.
Eggsy, of course, has got it all under control. He cries when he knows it'll be most effective, lets the mark think he's in control, that he's manipulating Eggsy. It's actually feels kind of good, to know that he's in complete control of the relationship, that he's not going to get blind sided by anything.
Back at HQ, Roxy's eying Merlin and Harry because something's been off about them since Eggsy went on his mission. Maybe she figures it out, and goes fucking ballistic. Tears them to shreds verbally. So loud that everyone else gets drawn in, and they're all fucking taken aback when Merlin and Harry just fucking break, because yes they know it's they're fault, but it wasn't intentional. They love him, and they'd cut off their damn arms to get him back, but he's on mission, and what would they say anyway? 'oh, sorry we assumed you knew how to conduct yourself in a triad relationship, even though you're young and your back ground indicates that you have no experience in it. terribly sorry about the whole mix up, and everything, but we'll put it all behind us now and everything will be alright.' No, that's fucking bullshit, and they know it.
And then conclusion somewhere? Eggsy comes back in the midst of all this turmoil, wherein sides have been drawn, a militantly ruthless Roxy looking like she's about to making fucking war on their bosses. And maybe it doesn't end with a completely happy ending, but a hopeful one. Like, they all sit down to talk it out, like adults. And the end of the conversation is good, and hopeful. Yes. That. The end.
But how the fuck am I going to write that? Oh man, now I need to go through and take my ramblings and make it good(ish) writing. Urgh.
Also someone save me from HP AUs. Pretty sure that, like, 90% of fics that I write (even if I don't post them) are HP. Maybe one day I'll post one of them. Maybe the courting letters swap me and Ella have going.
- forget completely about lj
- forget completely about my responsibilities
- and my stories
- whoops
And it's a new year!! Yay!! I still haven't finished Suitable, like I meant to. The whole riding off to Scotland, burning the English monarcy might actually happen now, instead of short, sweet ending. Angsty McAngst is still dragging on. I've just got fucking bits and pieces, and don't know what I'm gonna do with those pieces. Try and string them together?? Delete and rewrite??
Okay, so, I know what I want to happen, kind of. Eggsy and Roxy go home and sleep. Cries his heart out to her and his mum. Goes back to work and gets the fuck on with his life. It's fucking hard as shit, because he sees them all the time, he gets missions and delivers reports, and has to look at the pair of them day after day after fucking day. But they all knew the fucking stakes, and he's not going to make things even more awkward and uncomfortable by looking like he's visibly fucking wounded. And if things aren't as easy as they used to be, before everything, well that's the trade off, innit? Maybe one day they'll get back to that easy friendship but, maybe, it's better that it's stilted right now, on all sides, because that way it's not just him. He's not sure what that fucking means, and he ain't about to look into it either, but it helps - fuck, no it doesn't, but he can pretend it does, and put his feeling aside and get on with his damn job like the fucking adult he is.
And I kind of want to end it there. Just like that. No true resolution. Have them all be fucked up and off balance and too hurt and angry to be truly dead inside but fucking close. The end. But even though that's the way I'd almost prefer it, because who the fuck even gets a happy ending in real life? Fucking no one, it's all shit, but this isn't real life, it's a story, so my brein's still thinking over, and continuing, because
You know Eggsy looks like absolute fucking shit. He's tricking himself into thinking that he don't look that bad, it's fine. A little dark around the eyes, maybe, but who gets a full nights sleep anyway? And Roxy's so very concerned. She wishes she knew who he was fucking because, civilian or not, she'd find them and beat them until she or Eggsy felt better, which ever came last. She's not the only one whose noticed either. The knights are basically family. Some of them have wives, children, but mostly they're life long bachelors, or routinely shack up with each other. And Roxy and Eggsy are like the itty, bitty baby siblings. But Eggsy's the youngest, a fact which Roxy continually crows about, and so when he comes in, week after week, looking worse and worse, they're understanably concerned. Except, they're also all fucked up spies and assassins, so they're 100% behind Roxys idea to find his ex's and hurt them in various, specialised ways.
And on the one hand, I kind of want this to be how Merlin and Harry find out. Maybe Merlin gets asked by one of the nights to do a bit of checking, find out who he'd been sleeping with if he can, and Harry over hears some comments, and they put it together that they fucked up. Bad. But that'd be too easy. If I'm gonna give them some sort of happy ending, I want them to fucking suffer first. This way, they could just find Eggsy, have that long over due talk. It'd all be fucking sunshine and daisies, although I like to imagine Roxy would still skin them alive.
Instead, the knights get increasingly worried, and start putting their heads together to try and cheer Eggsy up. Work to foist the missions he likes best onto him, treat him to dinner, train and laugh and joke. It's what they always to - nothing more or less than they did when Bors wife left him for good. But Harry and Merlin don't quite grasp that, and it stops them from even thinking about getting over Eggsy. Because they're good men, they are, but they're also jealous and possessive and whenever they see Gawain hanging over Eggsy (usually whispering stupid fucking jokes into his ear, to try and make him laugh, to try and pull out that increasingly ellusive smile), or Kay shoulder to shoulder with the younger man (usually sitting pressed up close together, because it's the way he learnt how to make bombs, and if it ain't broke...), or Percival plastered up against his back, as they sweat in the training rooms (adjusting his piss poor stance, Percival would ask who the fuck taught the kid his basic fighting stances if he didn't already know he was self taught), all that Merlin and Harry can think about is that all Eggsy ever wanted them for was for sex, and he could be getting it from anyone else, and they wouldn't fucking know. It makes them so possessive it's almost intolerable.
Of course, most of the kingsmen are touchy-feely fucks, because most of them lack proper support structures outside of work, and during work the only physical touch they receive is negative and violent, so they make it up with each other. There's nothing sexual about it, which some how makes it worse, because Harry and Merlin don't even have that, anymore.
And so the knights are carefully orchestrating within themselves the handout of missions. Sure, Merlin usually assigns them, but if they don't want to take the mission, someone else will always step up, and it's no big hassle. Which means that, so far, Eggsy's got a fuck ton of fun missions. And they start to think that maybe he needs to stop thinking on his ex's, and find someone new. Not for a relationship, just to fuck. Maybe that'll help. And, what do you know, a honey trap mission comes up. Normally Gawaine does these, because he's unashamedly fucking great at it, and he likes it. 'Sex', he often says, 'holds zero emotional attachment for me, so I can fuck them over as easily as I fuck them.' And, luckily, the mark is just the sort of scum bag who'd take Eggsy over Gawaine. Not to say anything about either of them, but, currently, Gawaine is a fit, strong man, not as young as he once was, though he certainly looks nothing like his actual age. Eggsy, on the other hand, with the dark marks hollowing out his eyes, his slighter stature, and his eyes which can look so, so young, appears devestatingly vulnerable at times.
And, as stated, the mark is the kind of person who'd chose the unstable, vulnerable lad over someone who appeared to be his equal. (And Gawaine is very strong about the 'appears to be' part of that, as he'd like it pointed out that he's ultimately superior). So Eggsy goes out and, instead of just his appointed handler watching over the mission, they're all fucking there. Merlin and Harry are on their way to do something, when they come across the whole group leaning over one of the witches, watching Eggsy. He's just caught the guys attention, playing up his vulnerability, and Eggsy ofc doesn't know he's being watched by anyone other than his appointed witch, really doesn't fucking know that he's being watched by Merlin and Harry, so he's got no problem using his own problem to ensnare his mark.
And Eggsy knows exaclty what type of guy this fucker is, as well. He wants to draw out Eggsys vulnerability. Sees the cracks of his mask, wants to pry them open - acting like he cares, like he wants to help, but all he really wants is to make Eggsy hurt more. So he puts up a bit of a front, with it, makes the guy work for it, and the man's hooked. And then Eggsy's letting him know about how his previous partner just wanted him for sex, led him on until they got what they wanted, got bored, and there's not much Eggsy could do at this point to fuck up the mission, he's got the man right where he wants him, talking about his unfortunately all too real woes.
Back at HQ, the knights are ready to fucking riot, because they sure as hell know it's true, and they're all putting their two cents in as to how much they'd like to 'have a word' with the people who so completely broke Eggsys heart. And Harry and Merlin are just standing in the back of the room with the dawning realisation that they're fucked up. It's not Eggsy who wasn't playing for keeps, it was them who'd not bothered to maintain the relationship properly, they'd let it slip through their fingers. They'd caused their own misery, and now got to witness the consequences, as Eggsy cried his pain into the bare chest of the man he was fucking (and, oh, that's a world of hurt, watching through the glasses as Eggsy fucked the mark, sniffling all the while at the 'tender care.') and there's no way they can fix it. Not now. Not for a while.
It's not a wham-bam-thank you ma'am mission. He's undercover for at least a fortnight, probably not longer since the mark's being so co-operative.
Eggsy, of course, has got it all under control. He cries when he knows it'll be most effective, lets the mark think he's in control, that he's manipulating Eggsy. It's actually feels kind of good, to know that he's in complete control of the relationship, that he's not going to get blind sided by anything.
Back at HQ, Roxy's eying Merlin and Harry because something's been off about them since Eggsy went on his mission. Maybe she figures it out, and goes fucking ballistic. Tears them to shreds verbally. So loud that everyone else gets drawn in, and they're all fucking taken aback when Merlin and Harry just fucking break, because yes they know it's they're fault, but it wasn't intentional. They love him, and they'd cut off their damn arms to get him back, but he's on mission, and what would they say anyway? 'oh, sorry we assumed you knew how to conduct yourself in a triad relationship, even though you're young and your back ground indicates that you have no experience in it. terribly sorry about the whole mix up, and everything, but we'll put it all behind us now and everything will be alright.' No, that's fucking bullshit, and they know it.
And then conclusion somewhere? Eggsy comes back in the midst of all this turmoil, wherein sides have been drawn, a militantly ruthless Roxy looking like she's about to making fucking war on their bosses. And maybe it doesn't end with a completely happy ending, but a hopeful one. Like, they all sit down to talk it out, like adults. And the end of the conversation is good, and hopeful. Yes. That. The end.
But how the fuck am I going to write that? Oh man, now I need to go through and take my ramblings and make it good(ish) writing. Urgh.
Also someone save me from HP AUs. Pretty sure that, like, 90% of fics that I write (even if I don't post them) are HP. Maybe one day I'll post one of them. Maybe the courting letters swap me and Ella have going.