(no subject)
Lets see where to start, i dont know i guess i should reconsider my standing in this world as it seems no matter what i choose to do nothing is ever good enough for anyone. me staying and trying to be responsible for my unborn son instead of running away like 95% of all young adult males do, is taken for granted. even if i had a job, in the eyes of others, i will always be irrespossible no matter what, for example my step-mother. i have not been given the same quality of life as other people have been given, i was fortunate enough to be born in america, the land of the free as it is called aside from certain restrictions that all governments have to have. i was not fortunate enough to have a decent childhood however, as my mother was a drug and alcohol addict, she smoked and more than likely did drugs as i was still in pre-infancy, and is probably why i am not plagued by the obesity that 87% of all americans are over-weight. today as i sat in walmart i noticed all the fat people so plump and happy with their lives, unaware that in a few short years terrible health problems would befall them for being obese, such as heart problems and chlorestoral. back to the subject, i did not get to go outside and play with my friends, i was locked inside by my mother and forced to study, if i played i got beat, if it was hot outside, i had to stay outside in the sun instead of inside where i could have refuge from the sun. the only good thing in my life is my father, the only person it seems like that can understand me, but even as i type this he is slowly becoming corrupted by my step-mother into believing her ideals and morals, my father is my best friend, he knows what is best for me over anyone else. I got into the military thinking it would be better for my life, but it turned out that i dropped out of it for little meager things in life that probably wont even make it. i dropped out for my girlfriend instead of staying in and making sure i had a place in this world, which i doubt even now. i found god about a month ago and it was wonderful, but where i am now it took all that goodness and made it seem as if i was only dreaming from lack of sleep. i really wish that something good could come out of my life and i can only hope that this baby can bring me closer to my ultimate goal in life and that is to be content with the things that i have and can only hope to acheive. my intelligence is above and beyond 99% of the people around the coast, my problem is i have a hard time adapting and pushing myself to achieve all that i can be. i dont know what to do with my life, i have thought about giving up so much and so frequently lately, but i havent and i dont know why. so many times i have thought about just gathering my clothing and leaving, not knowing where to go but somewhere, somewhere where i can restart just 20 years later. i just dont know what to do, i have never known what to do ever, and that is from my mother who told me that i would never amount to anything, and so far, she is right, i am nothing. i have nothing that shows my status to this world, if i died there is next to nothing that would be left for others to think about me, which makes me think, am i really psycho? i think that i am, just not to the extent that the government has deemed me so. bi-polar disorder, yeah i believe it, i know i am. I am a compulsive liar, i lie about everything to make myself look better, and i get that from my mother and i know i do. I also have suicidal tendancies because i think about it......... but the thought of being with the devil forever keeps me from doing that, i love my lord to much and he is the only thing that i have unconditional love for and always will. i need to do something with my life instead of letting it wither away, as a dying flower plucked from the ground before it is ripened enough to produce offspring. i have thought so much about what it would be like if i was like everyone else, maybe i should be so i quit getting shit on. everyone who acts the same, their life is so perfect it seems, nothign to worry about, parents protect them, no job and if so a crappy one where you dont have to work at all, friends that will do anything for you because they are just like you, get someone pregnant, it wasnt you it was that guy standing over there and then you all can run away from it, what if i was like that would i be cool then? no probably not, but i decided to stay and it seems as if staying and trying to put a fatherly role in my sons life is meager. once again as i have more than likely stated numerous times above, i dont know what to do with my life, i have been thrown curveball after curveball, and i have either doubled or sac-flied to get a gain or protect a loved one i care about, but once again... they take it for granted and think it will come again. i guess i should just accept the low cards i am dealt and deal with it, work a low income job for the next 70 years of my life and never retire, pay for all the bills as my wife cheats on me constantly like all the other couples in the united states and my son makes fun of me at school because he makes more than i do and he just started working. i have a terrible life, and daniel... i can relate to you.