Coming Out in a Personalized Academic Sort of Way
Partially at the request of designerotter I am going to attempt a written version of what I've been telling for almost five months now in the GLBT Awareness class I help facilitate for Fort Worth city employees.
The four-hour class curriculum calls for several modules or components. Explaining what coming out is and how it affects one's life as well as why some persons never come out is one of them. It is shown in the guide how to present the material in a sort of abstract or academic way. I choose to tell my own story briefly and to then use the power point aides to review the key points of the process.
I begin: Some of you may have guessed as much; others may question what they're hearing because they recall that I mentioned having children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.
I self-identify as a gay man. Some, including GLBT persons, would say that I can't be 100% gay because I was married and have children. I disagree, especially for men my age. I think there are actually a fair number of us who got married for the obvious reasons: it was the thing to do, a desire to normal, a quick fix, a desire to be a parent, etc.
I had been married for 13 years when my wife decided for reasons of her own that she wanted a divorce. I thought my life was over. I did not want to be a divorced man. I did not want to be part of a failed marriage. I did not want to lose easy access to my three young children (all then in elementary school).
I had always had issues with depression. There is nothing like a divorce to make depression spiral out of control. I felt like my life was over and even contemplated ending it. Instead I was able to motivate myself to get help--therapy, medicine, even hospitalization. It was a long journey, but things did get better.
I had always known that I was somehow different than other boys, but I didn't know how to define that difference. I did not have a name for it. I did not know what it meant in the long run. I was sure that being attracted to other boys/men was not right and that I should not act on my desires.
Not to endanger my situation or to risk any harm to my relationship to my children, I went sixteen years totally celibate. At one point I did try dating again. She was the divorced daughter and granddaughter of Lutheran ministers. We were very good friends. We talked somewhat indirectly of marriage, but both of us were smart enough to know it was not the right thing for us.
Through the years I had more than one doctor or counselor, but sometime in the 90's I met one I really liked, one that I trusted totally and decided I could risk touching on the really scary things about myself. I told her: "I think I might be gay." She listened. I used to see her weekly. One day as the session came to an end and I made ready to write my check, she said: "Mike, when are you going to tell your children that you're gay?" They were no longer little kids. Two of them were already married; the youngest was finishing under grad before heading for law school. I offered the standard excuses: I did not want to alienate them, to embarrass them, to hurt them, etc. She countered with "It's not when they're ready. It's when you're ready."
Driving home on that late afternoon in March, a Wednesday, I decided that now was the time to do it. When I make up my mind to do something, I don't like to put it off. The fact that I can remember so much gives you some idea how important a step this was for me. My firstborn and his wife had recently moved into their new home and lived in Omaha, where I did. I called and asked if I might come over that evening, saying no more than that I needed to talk about something.
The only furniture in their living room was a used baby grand piano, his prized possession. He is a very accomplished musician. We sat on the floor lined up with our backs to the wall with my son between us. I don't recall exactly how quickly I said it, but it was quick. I simply stated that I am gay. He asked how I knew. I told him I had always known I had "tendencies." He asked what "tendencies" meant. I tried to answer him frankly. (I remind the class of the previous module that talks about gender and how it's determined, where it mentions a step called "erotic preference" just ahead of "sexual behavior." I knew what I wanted. I just wasn't getting any. LOL) Our conversation did not last much longer that evening as he wanted to join his friends for their planned outing to a university basketball game. As I left, my daughter-in-law advised me to be patient, saying, "It will take him a long time." I'm not sure what she may know that I don't, but I accepted the feedback.
I am now also reminded that on a road trip to Denver with my daughter who had recently finished high school, she suddenly asked: "Dad, are you gay?" Surprisingly I did not run off the road. I was not sure what to say. She now says I lied. I disagree. I told her: "There is not an easy answer to that question, but I do want to talk about it." Remember "tendencies"?
I don't actually recall the specifics of how I came out to her later or how I told my youngest. He and I didn't see one another that often while he was away at school. I think age can make a difference even when it's only a few years because he has always been the most receptive of my sexuality, even from the get go, calling various steps, such as my finding a partner, our having a formal union ceremony, and our getting legally married in Iowa "awesome."
(As I show the power point slides or talk, I allow questions. They've ranged from did I ever tell my former wife or did she know I was gay or doesn't this fact show it was a choice on my part or how could I be gay if I have children or whatever. I try to answer inquiries as truthfully as possible.)
My biggest benefit from having come out is living my life honestly. Coming out is a lifelong process inasmuch as it is necessary for anyone to know. I don't hide. I introduce Charlie to friends. (To those whose questions run in that vein, I mention the studies of Dr. Alfred Kinsey and his sexuality scale and tell them that I believe in it, but that I do not consider myself bisexual. Bisexuality is a topic that is discussed in some more detail later in the presentation.
The four-hour class curriculum calls for several modules or components. Explaining what coming out is and how it affects one's life as well as why some persons never come out is one of them. It is shown in the guide how to present the material in a sort of abstract or academic way. I choose to tell my own story briefly and to then use the power point aides to review the key points of the process.
I begin: Some of you may have guessed as much; others may question what they're hearing because they recall that I mentioned having children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.
I self-identify as a gay man. Some, including GLBT persons, would say that I can't be 100% gay because I was married and have children. I disagree, especially for men my age. I think there are actually a fair number of us who got married for the obvious reasons: it was the thing to do, a desire to normal, a quick fix, a desire to be a parent, etc.
I had been married for 13 years when my wife decided for reasons of her own that she wanted a divorce. I thought my life was over. I did not want to be a divorced man. I did not want to be part of a failed marriage. I did not want to lose easy access to my three young children (all then in elementary school).
I had always had issues with depression. There is nothing like a divorce to make depression spiral out of control. I felt like my life was over and even contemplated ending it. Instead I was able to motivate myself to get help--therapy, medicine, even hospitalization. It was a long journey, but things did get better.
I had always known that I was somehow different than other boys, but I didn't know how to define that difference. I did not have a name for it. I did not know what it meant in the long run. I was sure that being attracted to other boys/men was not right and that I should not act on my desires.
Not to endanger my situation or to risk any harm to my relationship to my children, I went sixteen years totally celibate. At one point I did try dating again. She was the divorced daughter and granddaughter of Lutheran ministers. We were very good friends. We talked somewhat indirectly of marriage, but both of us were smart enough to know it was not the right thing for us.
Through the years I had more than one doctor or counselor, but sometime in the 90's I met one I really liked, one that I trusted totally and decided I could risk touching on the really scary things about myself. I told her: "I think I might be gay." She listened. I used to see her weekly. One day as the session came to an end and I made ready to write my check, she said: "Mike, when are you going to tell your children that you're gay?" They were no longer little kids. Two of them were already married; the youngest was finishing under grad before heading for law school. I offered the standard excuses: I did not want to alienate them, to embarrass them, to hurt them, etc. She countered with "It's not when they're ready. It's when you're ready."
Driving home on that late afternoon in March, a Wednesday, I decided that now was the time to do it. When I make up my mind to do something, I don't like to put it off. The fact that I can remember so much gives you some idea how important a step this was for me. My firstborn and his wife had recently moved into their new home and lived in Omaha, where I did. I called and asked if I might come over that evening, saying no more than that I needed to talk about something.
The only furniture in their living room was a used baby grand piano, his prized possession. He is a very accomplished musician. We sat on the floor lined up with our backs to the wall with my son between us. I don't recall exactly how quickly I said it, but it was quick. I simply stated that I am gay. He asked how I knew. I told him I had always known I had "tendencies." He asked what "tendencies" meant. I tried to answer him frankly. (I remind the class of the previous module that talks about gender and how it's determined, where it mentions a step called "erotic preference" just ahead of "sexual behavior." I knew what I wanted. I just wasn't getting any. LOL) Our conversation did not last much longer that evening as he wanted to join his friends for their planned outing to a university basketball game. As I left, my daughter-in-law advised me to be patient, saying, "It will take him a long time." I'm not sure what she may know that I don't, but I accepted the feedback.
I am now also reminded that on a road trip to Denver with my daughter who had recently finished high school, she suddenly asked: "Dad, are you gay?" Surprisingly I did not run off the road. I was not sure what to say. She now says I lied. I disagree. I told her: "There is not an easy answer to that question, but I do want to talk about it." Remember "tendencies"?
I don't actually recall the specifics of how I came out to her later or how I told my youngest. He and I didn't see one another that often while he was away at school. I think age can make a difference even when it's only a few years because he has always been the most receptive of my sexuality, even from the get go, calling various steps, such as my finding a partner, our having a formal union ceremony, and our getting legally married in Iowa "awesome."
(As I show the power point slides or talk, I allow questions. They've ranged from did I ever tell my former wife or did she know I was gay or doesn't this fact show it was a choice on my part or how could I be gay if I have children or whatever. I try to answer inquiries as truthfully as possible.)
My biggest benefit from having come out is living my life honestly. Coming out is a lifelong process inasmuch as it is necessary for anyone to know. I don't hide. I introduce Charlie to friends. (To those whose questions run in that vein, I mention the studies of Dr. Alfred Kinsey and his sexuality scale and tell them that I believe in it, but that I do not consider myself bisexual. Bisexuality is a topic that is discussed in some more detail later in the presentation.