like stars burning holes right through the dark.
i am nervous. and i have anxiety. it's hard to breathe and i know it's not just the humidity.
doctor bakshi asks me why i think i'm visiting him.
'i'm sad. i guess i need to talk to someone?'
doctor bakshi asks me how i've been feeling. Right Now, Last Week, In General.
'sad.'
Are You Happy Sometimes, Too?
the appointment has just started and i'm already crying. my nerves are frayed, the people here are not nice. 'no.' i sob.
he hands me a kleenex and waits for me to calm down.
i do, sort of.
You're Never Happy?
'even when i'm happy, i'm still sad. i can't have fun because i'm worried about what other people are thinking and i'm always thinking about how sad i am.' i'm crying again.
Can You Give Me An Example Of When You Feel Like This?
'i love going to the common. it's the only place that i can sit for hours and hours and not get bored. thursdays are my favourite day of the week. i look forward to them all week long. but when we get there i feel disconnected. i try to smile and join in but i often feel left out. even though it's all my friends.'
Do You Talk To Your Friends Or Family About How You Feel?
'i talk to alison. and zac. i know i could talk to my mum but i don't want to hurt her (again). i don't think eliza would understand, she's like peter pan. i know emma wants me to talk but i'm just scared.'
Maybe You Could Try To Tell Eliza How You Feel On Thursdays, It Might Help Both Of You.
'maybe.'
an hour later : i have dysthymia (chronic depression), anxiety and interpersonal something or other*.
right now i feel like i did then. i'm nervous and i'm having trouble breathing. i don't think it's a panic attack, i can usually tell.
i just want to be with someone, have them hold me and tell me It's Okay, Every Thing Is Fine. i guess it's not though. doctor bakshi told me i don't have to feel like this, it's not normal. i don't have to be sad.
i tried calling someone, i knew she wouldn't pick up but i really need to talk. there's not really anyone left to talk to.
i guess i'm mostly happy when i'm with him, lately. but it feels fake, i'm not trying to pretend to be happy. i am having fun. he makes me feel safe and comfortable. i laugh and smile and we joke around and it's not a lie. but i still can't breathe and behind my eyes i feel like i've been crying for years.
*meaning i think/care/analyze too much about what other people think/say/do and how they react to me.
doctor bakshi asks me why i think i'm visiting him.
'i'm sad. i guess i need to talk to someone?'
doctor bakshi asks me how i've been feeling. Right Now, Last Week, In General.
'sad.'
Are You Happy Sometimes, Too?
the appointment has just started and i'm already crying. my nerves are frayed, the people here are not nice. 'no.' i sob.
he hands me a kleenex and waits for me to calm down.
i do, sort of.
You're Never Happy?
'even when i'm happy, i'm still sad. i can't have fun because i'm worried about what other people are thinking and i'm always thinking about how sad i am.' i'm crying again.
Can You Give Me An Example Of When You Feel Like This?
'i love going to the common. it's the only place that i can sit for hours and hours and not get bored. thursdays are my favourite day of the week. i look forward to them all week long. but when we get there i feel disconnected. i try to smile and join in but i often feel left out. even though it's all my friends.'
Do You Talk To Your Friends Or Family About How You Feel?
'i talk to alison. and zac. i know i could talk to my mum but i don't want to hurt her (again). i don't think eliza would understand, she's like peter pan. i know emma wants me to talk but i'm just scared.'
Maybe You Could Try To Tell Eliza How You Feel On Thursdays, It Might Help Both Of You.
'maybe.'
an hour later : i have dysthymia (chronic depression), anxiety and interpersonal something or other*.
right now i feel like i did then. i'm nervous and i'm having trouble breathing. i don't think it's a panic attack, i can usually tell.
i just want to be with someone, have them hold me and tell me It's Okay, Every Thing Is Fine. i guess it's not though. doctor bakshi told me i don't have to feel like this, it's not normal. i don't have to be sad.
i tried calling someone, i knew she wouldn't pick up but i really need to talk. there's not really anyone left to talk to.
i guess i'm mostly happy when i'm with him, lately. but it feels fake, i'm not trying to pretend to be happy. i am having fun. he makes me feel safe and comfortable. i laugh and smile and we joke around and it's not a lie. but i still can't breathe and behind my eyes i feel like i've been crying for years.
*meaning i think/care/analyze too much about what other people think/say/do and how they react to me.