Wake Me Up When September Ends.. (for a new life begins)
so its approching that time of the year, in a few days it will be a year from the date were i got kicked out/ decied it would be best if i left the basement. a year... all i remember is , i cant remmeber, it happend so fast a fight then a "leave" my world was shattered , so i though, so i though , my world wasnt shattered , the more i look at it, it was just shifted,.. heavly. i didnt think much of what would happen next or looking into what would be ahead of me, instead i drowned my self.. in ways i shouldnt of , .. in ways that werent healthy for me, ... and this i realize. and i am paying for. not cuz im being punished but becase we all need to learn some way, thought my life i never learnd and valued what pain was, i was medicated, or i drank or smoked to get away from it, for 21 years of my life that i can remember. emotinaly i killed myself, or i was just never ment to know or feel at this moment in time.
the only times i was not on meds, i drank to enjoy life, i smoked, partied. years of partying years of tipping the bottle to my mouth. i dont regret these years. i dont regret anything ive done in my past for i have learnd. and i have found my flaws. wich i will admite i have many, many flaws that i dont know if i will ever overcome.
people forget cuz they see me put my feelings out on this, or i can chat on AIM like theres no tomorrow, that i dont talk much in person. when i feel comftable around then i talk more ,. i keep to my self, very few know who i am. very few, but alot talk to me, some of you never met me but know more if not the same as my best freinds. my freinds know more then my parents ever will, i dont bleive i should put my parents though the pain that was my life the pain i casued to myself and that i now have to recover from. those people i helped and that i can help down the road im glad. thoes that helped me thank you. even to a person i just started talking to about 2 weeks ago, she helped me realize alot, and she foced me to think back. its been a year since i truly thought about my life. its been more since i decied to look back at my child hood.
the past 3 months have been hard for me. we all know this by now cuz i now i posted alot, i relized they will get better in time some more then others. my emothions and physical body have been pushed to there limites, and now its time to change things. its time to grab life and go with it, and try to ease the pain,
PHYSICAL PAIN: Im sick becase my body is acting up from stress and the fact that cuz of my drinking i gaind alot of weight from it, and the doctor thinks that this is whats putting presure on some of my orgins. so now i need to start losing weight again, this time i feel the pain its doing to my body. last time it was my liver and i never knew untill i had blood tests. this time the pain is right here in my face. right here. its time to see if doc is right.. eating healthy and walking every day.
MENTAL PAIN : my cusions passing, i realized with time it will heal but i think this was the test of life for me, when my cusion ry ry died 3 years ago i drank, i didnt want to feel shit, some remember this nite. i just turned 21 not even a month ago. it was acutly my cusion matty the one who died 3 months ago that told me over AIM that my cusion ry ry died in a fire. i just got back from the state store with a bottel of jager. needles to say it was gone that nite, alone with some 151 i drank at a hotel room i keept on drinking. and thats when it became a problem. i felt so good with it in me i felt nothing. it was like i was alseep but yet awake. you cant beat that...but then again i didnt learn anything. i again avoided feeling pain.
back to july 31, the day my Cusion died , his mothers birthday. i look at it as this was a test, a shitty test but a test on life to see if i would stand up to what i vowed to never do again that is drink.
june 10, i had a fall out. june 10 i broke down. in an unhealthy way. i pretty much drank 12 beers and almost a total of 2 bottles of wiskey, withing 4 hours maybe not sure. it was a dark day indeed. As im typing this right now, i look at JULY 31 as the the birth of a new path in life. he may of died, and i live with that every day of my life but every day i remembr and i cry without picking up that bottle i know in the end i will heal a much better person. its been almost 4 months since i had a drink, since age 15 this is the longest ive gone without a drink, the mental pain is there, how long will it take to heal? i dont know? will it ever heal? again i dont know. but what i do know is. im starting my life over, this is my new begining , my new begining with pain just,how we were ment to grow up.
i wont change i will always be that shy quite person in public, unless i know you. and i will always be the fast typing bad spelling over aim like i have noworries in the wrold!. and i will alwasy reflect on the dark parts of life..becasue for 21 years of my life thats all i knew its been a part of me.
i can never let that go, and i can never forget, it is what fules my arts. and it also is what keeps me in line today in hopes that i never have to look at thoes moments the same way ever again.
but at least this time around ... im experancing life with the full specturm of feelings, and not just with numbness / darkness / and unanswered pains
-cilly
the only times i was not on meds, i drank to enjoy life, i smoked, partied. years of partying years of tipping the bottle to my mouth. i dont regret these years. i dont regret anything ive done in my past for i have learnd. and i have found my flaws. wich i will admite i have many, many flaws that i dont know if i will ever overcome.
people forget cuz they see me put my feelings out on this, or i can chat on AIM like theres no tomorrow, that i dont talk much in person. when i feel comftable around then i talk more ,. i keep to my self, very few know who i am. very few, but alot talk to me, some of you never met me but know more if not the same as my best freinds. my freinds know more then my parents ever will, i dont bleive i should put my parents though the pain that was my life the pain i casued to myself and that i now have to recover from. those people i helped and that i can help down the road im glad. thoes that helped me thank you. even to a person i just started talking to about 2 weeks ago, she helped me realize alot, and she foced me to think back. its been a year since i truly thought about my life. its been more since i decied to look back at my child hood.
the past 3 months have been hard for me. we all know this by now cuz i now i posted alot, i relized they will get better in time some more then others. my emothions and physical body have been pushed to there limites, and now its time to change things. its time to grab life and go with it, and try to ease the pain,
PHYSICAL PAIN: Im sick becase my body is acting up from stress and the fact that cuz of my drinking i gaind alot of weight from it, and the doctor thinks that this is whats putting presure on some of my orgins. so now i need to start losing weight again, this time i feel the pain its doing to my body. last time it was my liver and i never knew untill i had blood tests. this time the pain is right here in my face. right here. its time to see if doc is right.. eating healthy and walking every day.
MENTAL PAIN : my cusions passing, i realized with time it will heal but i think this was the test of life for me, when my cusion ry ry died 3 years ago i drank, i didnt want to feel shit, some remember this nite. i just turned 21 not even a month ago. it was acutly my cusion matty the one who died 3 months ago that told me over AIM that my cusion ry ry died in a fire. i just got back from the state store with a bottel of jager. needles to say it was gone that nite, alone with some 151 i drank at a hotel room i keept on drinking. and thats when it became a problem. i felt so good with it in me i felt nothing. it was like i was alseep but yet awake. you cant beat that...but then again i didnt learn anything. i again avoided feeling pain.
back to july 31, the day my Cusion died , his mothers birthday. i look at it as this was a test, a shitty test but a test on life to see if i would stand up to what i vowed to never do again that is drink.
june 10, i had a fall out. june 10 i broke down. in an unhealthy way. i pretty much drank 12 beers and almost a total of 2 bottles of wiskey, withing 4 hours maybe not sure. it was a dark day indeed. As im typing this right now, i look at JULY 31 as the the birth of a new path in life. he may of died, and i live with that every day of my life but every day i remembr and i cry without picking up that bottle i know in the end i will heal a much better person. its been almost 4 months since i had a drink, since age 15 this is the longest ive gone without a drink, the mental pain is there, how long will it take to heal? i dont know? will it ever heal? again i dont know. but what i do know is. im starting my life over, this is my new begining , my new begining with pain just,how we were ment to grow up.
i wont change i will always be that shy quite person in public, unless i know you. and i will always be the fast typing bad spelling over aim like i have noworries in the wrold!. and i will alwasy reflect on the dark parts of life..becasue for 21 years of my life thats all i knew its been a part of me.
i can never let that go, and i can never forget, it is what fules my arts. and it also is what keeps me in line today in hopes that i never have to look at thoes moments the same way ever again.
but at least this time around ... im experancing life with the full specturm of feelings, and not just with numbness / darkness / and unanswered pains
-cilly