O god the aftermath!
one i will say that album sucks! but on another note! i deleted my last journal entry cuz one i dont remember typing it. 2 it scared the shit out of me! i've been batteling many demons and emothions lately,... wich i guess i would like to share.. i feel closer to this community then anywhere. last weekend i pretty much drank my self to nothing.. cuz i wanted to feel nothing.. why , my job sucks.. i get treated like shit.. ex. i turned in my 2 weeks notice today and they cut me after 3 hours out of 8... wtf! im a damn manager. not being able to be me at my job really stressed alot on my life.. you grow up for 10 years depressed.. trying to search for who you are and get help to heal your self.... then you have to step right back into puttin a mask on for your job! it tends to rub off in your peronsal life as it did for me! day in day out.. i had to be fake to bust others peoples moral, to be nice to shitty ass customors! 50 hours a week sometimes! and yet get treated like shit from the higher up managers! i dont know how that would make you feel but for me it made me feel like shit! 4 years ago when i quit mcds for the first time! was becasue of an ep like last sunday.. i pretty much broke down, flipped out and destoryed alot of stuff.. i dranke too full bottles of booze and threw things around chairs, knives. lanterns.. i quit my job and went to school, well shit it the fan when my dad said he was going to move.. i had to find a place to live.. thats when i ended up living in a basment for almost 3 years... 3 years in a basment in solitude sometimes warpes someones mind.. u tend to think too much. so im gettin more and more depressed cuz im lonely.. i was foced to live in crappy condiutions. cant think.. i start drinking after a year of not drinking... soon enough its i keep on drinking.. but then i get a hold of my life and i stop.. kool awesome. so we fast forwward to october of this year.. school went downhill! i couldnt consitrate for shit, my classes kept on gettin cannceled! i was going no where. so now im told i have to move out of the basment , but yet the catch is i have to live on my own. awesome more stress in my life.! all i can say to some it up is , alot went on from oct to last sunday.i bottled it up all on the inside to where it just had to come out. , my art suffered, i finaly picked up a paint brush today, its been 2 months. i finaly am dreaming again.. its been 2 months or longer. i drained all my bottles.. already 3 days this week turned down drinks. basily i become so derpessed that i did nothing, i layed in bed till work, i got home from work and just layed in bed again. i had to have my air on 63 cuz my body was so warm from the booze. i felt like shit. i thought i was shit that was my frame of mind! here i am a week later, not one drop. im quiting my job i have another one that came to me wich will allowe time for me to gear up my artwork again wich makes me happy and more i hope form this person im gettin a job from. he might become a partner in some of the things i want to start up. im taking a trip to Florida july 6 , im fainly saying good by to my grandma who died 11 years ago. i never got to pay my last repsects and now i am, i will be saying next to the ocean... one of the most beaufiul things in my eyes.. im a water driving person, so im hoping this will help in the healing process for me. and while im down there for 4 days im just going to clear my head. and draw and write notes. so the healing process is beign.. again to that person that wrote me on my last journl thank you again.. it meant so much to wak up the next day and see something in an entry that you dont remember witting. i guess today i realized also is there is some good in the world no matter how shitty the news makes it. when a stranger can wait 1 min to hold a door open for you cuz your hands are full, instead of walking off and catching the elevator. ah i done rambling ... everyone have a good nite..
-cilly
-cilly