(no subject)
I'm extremely apologetic to everyone for not being around recently, online really. Things have happened, a lot of unexpected situations arose, and I dispensed my time toward all of it rather than here. Perhaps too much time, tho I'm not certain of that. Humility is a very difficult lesson to learn, probably the most challenging obstacle for me, anyway. I'm finding out that the maturity and inner stability I thought I had still has a ways to go before I can get it right. I always have to be taught the hard way before I get it, before I grasp the balance of logic and emotion when dealing with others. Sometimes it's maddening, when you're conflicted in a battle of minds and hearts, never certain what's best for both-- or even if there's a possibility of happy mediums at all. Greed wins out 50% of the time, and we take what we want because we think we should have it, without giving consideration toward the possibilities that it might not be good for us; that perhaps it's more obsessive and possessive rather than pure and soul-binding.
I realized something that didn't occur to me until after the fact--we changed, the both of us. Enough to eventually open up our eyes to what we were doing, and understand why it simply shouldn't be. I went into it swinging, because I had tried to grab hold of it and fell short too often. All I could do by then was to flail my arms and flop like a fish out of water to attract her attention and her affection. It wasn't the way it should have been, the way it possibly could have been, had we not both gone through hell and back before finally reaching one another. We clung to that puppy love, those crushes and the butterflies from the long past days we spent working together. But, really, we were the blind leading the blind, neither of us able to differentiate between what we wanted and what we needed. The concept of what I even want outside of my career is a fuzzy grey area, to be truthful.
When it comes to work my schedule is clear and organized, I know exactly what I'm doing and where. The rest of the time I really haven't got a clue, my tongue and brain trip over one another, and I never manage to say what I'm feeling in any sense that anyone else should be expected to wrangle with. I have thought that maybe the reason I can't express myself clearly is because I'm so muddled, and I think I have been most of my adult life. I live through my characters, adopting their thoughts and reactions easily enough--yet I simply can't seem to master my own personality yet.
I realized something that didn't occur to me until after the fact--we changed, the both of us. Enough to eventually open up our eyes to what we were doing, and understand why it simply shouldn't be. I went into it swinging, because I had tried to grab hold of it and fell short too often. All I could do by then was to flail my arms and flop like a fish out of water to attract her attention and her affection. It wasn't the way it should have been, the way it possibly could have been, had we not both gone through hell and back before finally reaching one another. We clung to that puppy love, those crushes and the butterflies from the long past days we spent working together. But, really, we were the blind leading the blind, neither of us able to differentiate between what we wanted and what we needed. The concept of what I even want outside of my career is a fuzzy grey area, to be truthful.
When it comes to work my schedule is clear and organized, I know exactly what I'm doing and where. The rest of the time I really haven't got a clue, my tongue and brain trip over one another, and I never manage to say what I'm feeling in any sense that anyone else should be expected to wrangle with. I have thought that maybe the reason I can't express myself clearly is because I'm so muddled, and I think I have been most of my adult life. I live through my characters, adopting their thoughts and reactions easily enough--yet I simply can't seem to master my own personality yet.