(no subject)
Once upon a time...
Mmk, so last night I got to sleep at 3 in the morning.
This morning I woke up at 7....4 hours of sleep, already not good.
Why did I wake up so early, you ask? Because I couldn't breathe.
Asthma attack. Bad. Not fun. Did anyone ever tell you just how much not fun not being able to breathe is? To make matters worse- I had just run out of my meds. I call the pharmacy and it doesn't open for another 3 hours. Oh joy, 180 minutes of no oxygen. (Can you feel the sarcasm?) I spend the 3 fucking hours in the shower, drinking tea, doing everything I can think of to help- but nothing does. Meanwhile my mom sits by smoking cigarettes (Hmm, smoking around your kid when they're having an asthma attack...not the best of ideas) Finally, the pharmicy opens and I pratically crawl over. I get my meds- hallelujah. But...I feel way fucking dizzy all during school and need to continually use it ever half hour (you're not supposed to use it more than a few times a week....but well, I couldn't breathe) Yes, I know, I should have just gone to the hospital- BUT I FUCKING HATE HOSPITALS. the last time I was in one I spent 3 weeks in ICU, something I would like avoid ever every going through again.
So my day continues, minor the lack of breathing ability, school as usual. I walk over to Union after, Jonathon comes with. We chill. Mark then BEGS me to get my guitar (to sell to him) I reluctantly say yes. THEN he hands my the $$ and James immediatley comes over and asks if I want to buy Yayos (cocaine.) I say no, he asks again. I say yes. Stupid me, I know (I used to do wayyyy too much, like an 8ball a day, and stopping was hell) So then Melinda asks if she can split it with me, I say yes as I need the money. Then Mark and I come up to my house and I sell him my guitar (ooh damn I'm gonna miss that thing, but my mom was gonna make me sell it anyways as it's "too loud")
Then after he left I crush up 2 lines, snort it and do the numbies thing. BUT no numbies! No high! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! And, I was hungry- coke seriously suppresses your appetite. I spill out the bag- it doesn't look like coke. AND there are a total of 10 lines, keep in mind I split it with Melinda. A total of 20. WHAT THE FUCK. That's like 4 grams worth of lines. Conclusion: DEFINATLEY NOT COKE. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. I can't believe that on top of all that bullshit today I snorted shit that wasn't even cocaine! I wouldn't feel so fucking lame if it WAS coke, there's nothing too wrong with it in my opinion....but the fact that I got jipped makes me feel so low. So fucking PATHETIC. God, I really hate myself right now. Like seriously, how much of a loser am I? I'm so stupid!
You know how you can handle things until that one last thing makes everything crash down? Yeah, today was that thing.
OH FUCK!!! My mom just called checking to see if I was home 'cause there's some kind of Terrorist trouble on the subways...
This city makes me sad. FUCK. It's not right that everyday I'm afraid something will happen again...and it's even worse that I'm afraid with legitimate reason. I don't want to turn on the TV and see what's going on.
Atleast there's a good song on the radio. That makes me happy.
::Hums Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds:: I really love the Beatles.
I love this entire fucking world, I really do. It's so fucking beautiful it's crazy. It just gets hard, y'know?
I'm sorry that I'm bitching. I know it's not that bad. Plenty of people have asthma, the coke was my fault, and an entire city lives with the same fear.And, I know that despite all of this I'm lucky. Unbelievably lucky. I have a parent (not two, but atleast one) a roof over my head, an opportunity to go to collge...
Fuck, now I feel guilty for complaining.
It's just...can I be honest? Whenever I get down I think about Jonathon (California Jonathon..) And I miss him so much. And then I think about Mike, and David and what I went through with that. And I think about all of my sophmore year and the cutting and the voices....and I feel so alone. And I know I'm fortunate to have a mom- but I feel so alone...like my mother will never really be there for me. Don't get me wrong I'm grateful as fuck for what she gives to me,...but I think of the things she's done. Kicking me out, hitting me (and more), yelling at me- saying she hates me, that i'm stupid and worthless, and telling me to kill myself. It hurts. Yeah, that's the shit that crashes down when things get a little out of wack.
I just need to remind me of all the good I have, and all the hope there is for there being something more.
I'm sad but smiling. Sad because of what is now. Smiling because of what things could be.
Mmk, so last night I got to sleep at 3 in the morning.
This morning I woke up at 7....4 hours of sleep, already not good.
Why did I wake up so early, you ask? Because I couldn't breathe.
Asthma attack. Bad. Not fun. Did anyone ever tell you just how much not fun not being able to breathe is? To make matters worse- I had just run out of my meds. I call the pharmacy and it doesn't open for another 3 hours. Oh joy, 180 minutes of no oxygen. (Can you feel the sarcasm?) I spend the 3 fucking hours in the shower, drinking tea, doing everything I can think of to help- but nothing does. Meanwhile my mom sits by smoking cigarettes (Hmm, smoking around your kid when they're having an asthma attack...not the best of ideas) Finally, the pharmicy opens and I pratically crawl over. I get my meds- hallelujah. But...I feel way fucking dizzy all during school and need to continually use it ever half hour (you're not supposed to use it more than a few times a week....but well, I couldn't breathe) Yes, I know, I should have just gone to the hospital- BUT I FUCKING HATE HOSPITALS. the last time I was in one I spent 3 weeks in ICU, something I would like avoid ever every going through again.
So my day continues, minor the lack of breathing ability, school as usual. I walk over to Union after, Jonathon comes with. We chill. Mark then BEGS me to get my guitar (to sell to him) I reluctantly say yes. THEN he hands my the $$ and James immediatley comes over and asks if I want to buy Yayos (cocaine.) I say no, he asks again. I say yes. Stupid me, I know (I used to do wayyyy too much, like an 8ball a day, and stopping was hell) So then Melinda asks if she can split it with me, I say yes as I need the money. Then Mark and I come up to my house and I sell him my guitar (ooh damn I'm gonna miss that thing, but my mom was gonna make me sell it anyways as it's "too loud")
Then after he left I crush up 2 lines, snort it and do the numbies thing. BUT no numbies! No high! WHAT THE FUCK?!?! And, I was hungry- coke seriously suppresses your appetite. I spill out the bag- it doesn't look like coke. AND there are a total of 10 lines, keep in mind I split it with Melinda. A total of 20. WHAT THE FUCK. That's like 4 grams worth of lines. Conclusion: DEFINATLEY NOT COKE. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. I can't believe that on top of all that bullshit today I snorted shit that wasn't even cocaine! I wouldn't feel so fucking lame if it WAS coke, there's nothing too wrong with it in my opinion....but the fact that I got jipped makes me feel so low. So fucking PATHETIC. God, I really hate myself right now. Like seriously, how much of a loser am I? I'm so stupid!
You know how you can handle things until that one last thing makes everything crash down? Yeah, today was that thing.
OH FUCK!!! My mom just called checking to see if I was home 'cause there's some kind of Terrorist trouble on the subways...
This city makes me sad. FUCK. It's not right that everyday I'm afraid something will happen again...and it's even worse that I'm afraid with legitimate reason. I don't want to turn on the TV and see what's going on.
Atleast there's a good song on the radio. That makes me happy.
::Hums Lucy In the Sky With Diamonds:: I really love the Beatles.
I love this entire fucking world, I really do. It's so fucking beautiful it's crazy. It just gets hard, y'know?
I'm sorry that I'm bitching. I know it's not that bad. Plenty of people have asthma, the coke was my fault, and an entire city lives with the same fear.And, I know that despite all of this I'm lucky. Unbelievably lucky. I have a parent (not two, but atleast one) a roof over my head, an opportunity to go to collge...
Fuck, now I feel guilty for complaining.
It's just...can I be honest? Whenever I get down I think about Jonathon (California Jonathon..) And I miss him so much. And then I think about Mike, and David and what I went through with that. And I think about all of my sophmore year and the cutting and the voices....and I feel so alone. And I know I'm fortunate to have a mom- but I feel so alone...like my mother will never really be there for me. Don't get me wrong I'm grateful as fuck for what she gives to me,...but I think of the things she's done. Kicking me out, hitting me (and more), yelling at me- saying she hates me, that i'm stupid and worthless, and telling me to kill myself. It hurts. Yeah, that's the shit that crashes down when things get a little out of wack.
I just need to remind me of all the good I have, and all the hope there is for there being something more.
I'm sad but smiling. Sad because of what is now. Smiling because of what things could be.