of the week.
What I realized this past few days.
> My filipino professor doesn't like the way I write. It took me three days to think of a muse, and when my classmates told me that it has to be real, bitch, I tried. I was very hesitant at first, because I knew this would be my downfall. I don't know who to write it for. I am so pressured since a lot of people are expecting me to do good, because girl, this is filipino and this is writing, something I could assure anyone I am good at, with or without studying. I don't like writing about a real person. Sino naman ang isusulat ko? Bakit siya? Sa dami ng sinulat ko, I was not satisfied with what I presented to my prof. Its a fucking writer's journal, hindi yata pwede ang fictional or scripted. Second person POV ko pa sinulat. I am very much devastated. I think I'm losing my touch. Or did I ever have it? I realized I don't like the way I write my private life too. My first love has a jinx. Kahit anong isusulat ko na kahit anong tungkol sa kanya, pumapangit. Ako lang ata ang nakaka-appreciate sa mga lessons na binigay niya sa kin. :p Of course, if you're a professor, you have an expectation towards your students. I don't think I've met hers. Ah, it feels shitty. :/
> I am not comfortable when it comes to writing about myself. Or anything else that's related to me, nonetheless. That's why you are so special, you know. You're the next thing that's close to being a diary. I don't like to share my thoughts all because its required for an excercise. I think I might have been making a mistake. I liked writing about myself and my feelings, but then I don't really like people to see it, and it takes a lot of time. Shit, I'm such an awkward person haha.
> I can get easily full. Ang dali-dali ko nang mabusog. Back then, I could eat until 5 plates of dessert. But now, I can't fucking get past two plates. Last tuesday, me and my friends went to Sambo Kojin, an eat all you can buffet, in their West Avenue branch. Our barkada had this tradition every year; that we'll treat each other into eat all you cans during our birthdays. I did Dads, Kamayan, Saisaki and probably do it next year too. I am excited for our Christmas Special, (its called that because two of my friends have the same birthday nearing the christmas season) because (hopefully) we'll be at Vikings. Hihi. It wasn't as overwhelming as the SK at Eastwood, because there isn't much to choose from when you're not a grilling person. I'm not a sashimi person either. This is the first time I felt the buffet wasn't worth it. And it wasn't for me. I live for water and for desserts, and that is something I always look forward to in our eat-all-you cans. I think the problem is that I am not used to having a lot of food intake anymore (because I've been losing so much weight.) and this is just what I feel sometimes (and I think I'll continue feeling for the rest of eat-all-you cans) I kinda feel sorry, and unworthy. -_- But at least I am still losing weight. Yey~~ :DD
> I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm in limbo. Eighteen years. Fourteen years of studying to prepare for the real world. And still I’m not sure if I learned anything or if I did, will it be enough for me to survive. Oh, the answer will be of course not. I am sure we’ll be organizing our internship by the start of the year, and…I don’t know. I want to be in PLDT or San Miguel, but I’m not sure if they are accepting applications. We (me and my friends) have talked about it, but I am not sure if I want to be with them. I fear for myself. What if they all get in and I don’t? I want to spend my internship alone as possible, sana. Ang hirap kapag may kasama eh. They wouldn’t know but I find it harder to be productive kapag may kasama ako. I think I’m a very different person when it comes to work. I’m formal, and surely they will be surprised with the character shift. It can only make things awkward and I would look ‘pakitang-tao’.
> I am bothered by my excessive hair fall. I used to tease my parents because they are balding. Shit, kinakabahan ako. My hair maybe thick, but until when? I think it started when I used a hair dye which made it so damaged (even the hair looks better outside). Shet, this is crazy.
> I don’t like it when I don’t look like myself in I.D. pictures. That had always been the case. My parents wanted a good I.D. picture, which only mean I look lighter, and perfected and less me. What I hate the most is that besides from removing my blemishes, they made me lighter, which made me a different person than who is on the photo. And I don’t like it, at all. A lot of my friends always tell me that I look better especially when my skin becomes lighter, but bullshit, that’s not me anymore.
> I don’t like my schedule for this semester. It sucks for me, my laundry, and my parents. Badtrip. :/ I have saturday classes until 6pm. :/ And its fucking Spanish.
> I have enough interest to like theatre. We’ve watched a play called ‘Walang Kukurap’ by Tanghalang Pilipino (TP) and it was hella awesome. Right in the feels. I am surprised because its my first time to watch a professional play. And hell, it was remarkable. There is a certain distinction by all of the characters, and all of them pulled it off very well. Ang ganda. Period.
> I am just happy that we had a good topic for thesis. I'm excited~ hehehe. At least, may laban.