re: prologue: disorganization
Hello. I don't know. I'll be posting random stuff from now on. This journal had been inactive for months, because, despite of the loads of free time, I didn't have the heart to write. I think I have been denying this for a while now, but there are a lot of issues that I need to tell you. Just between you and me. because finally, I can handle telling them to you. I can't really tell anyone.
I look around my room. Its already mid-may and weeks from now, school was approaching. My dad told me to fix my room or else I won't be enrolled for the coming sem. I tried fixing it, but only fixed my wardrobe (and it didn't pose any changes because I need to get room for my new clothes which means I just took more space) and I really need to fix it eventually because I'm getting lazier and lazier as the days drew on. While we are in the car driving home, my mother asked me, "What can make you organize your things?" I didn't answer, because I really don't know what to say. And being a clean freak that she is, she would never see why I should keep it that way. I don't want another argument because we're on our way home and its mother's day. :O
But the question lingers. Why am I so unorganized? I don't know. I remember, I tried my best to be organized when I was in 4th and 5th grade. I was actually trying to be everything I am not today when I was in 4th in 5th grade. It was my last two years being in the pilot section. I tried to suppress my feelings and I really tried hard to fit in. Because of that, I got cut off the section and was placed into the 2nd best section instead. It was another story for another time, but to summarize, I never felt more free, happy, and contented than that. I let all screws loose and it was good. Very good. I never really concentrated on my dis-organize-ness before, but being organized I realize that it brought me kinda scary/traumatic and it triggers bad vibes and feelings. I think it represents my pessimistic outlook. When I look at organized things, I see perfection. And I would never accept things when its perfect. Because nothing is. And perfection disappoints me. I don't know why, I just felt that way. And the more I am organized, the more I find it hard to find things. I'm the worst person to ask for things (it runs in our blood. trust me.).
Looking at my room again. Fuck. I have no choice but to clean it anyway. :O Oh shit. :OOO
I look around my room. Its already mid-may and weeks from now, school was approaching. My dad told me to fix my room or else I won't be enrolled for the coming sem. I tried fixing it, but only fixed my wardrobe (and it didn't pose any changes because I need to get room for my new clothes which means I just took more space) and I really need to fix it eventually because I'm getting lazier and lazier as the days drew on. While we are in the car driving home, my mother asked me, "What can make you organize your things?" I didn't answer, because I really don't know what to say. And being a clean freak that she is, she would never see why I should keep it that way. I don't want another argument because we're on our way home and its mother's day. :O
But the question lingers. Why am I so unorganized? I don't know. I remember, I tried my best to be organized when I was in 4th and 5th grade. I was actually trying to be everything I am not today when I was in 4th in 5th grade. It was my last two years being in the pilot section. I tried to suppress my feelings and I really tried hard to fit in. Because of that, I got cut off the section and was placed into the 2nd best section instead. It was another story for another time, but to summarize, I never felt more free, happy, and contented than that. I let all screws loose and it was good. Very good. I never really concentrated on my dis-organize-ness before, but being organized I realize that it brought me kinda scary/traumatic and it triggers bad vibes and feelings. I think it represents my pessimistic outlook. When I look at organized things, I see perfection. And I would never accept things when its perfect. Because nothing is. And perfection disappoints me. I don't know why, I just felt that way. And the more I am organized, the more I find it hard to find things. I'm the worst person to ask for things (it runs in our blood. trust me.).
Looking at my room again. Fuck. I have no choice but to clean it anyway. :O Oh shit. :OOO