Mmmmf.
You know, this past week was kind of tough on me.
I had the first panic attack I've had that was large enough to register on my personal Richter Scale since I've been on Lexapro. It was rather unpleasant. Well, that's a bit obvious, isn't it? Of course it was unpleasant. It just kind of roared up out of nowhere, a frantic clawing get-me-out-of-here sensation on Wednesday. I was in micro lecture, and it wasn't a typical lecture--she had us doing review work, and that deviation from the regular schedule, apparently, was all it took. I went to Dempsey, and began working on my online test for enviro, and...
...I had music playing. Blasting in my ears, in fact, it was doing a pretty good job drowning things out. But I couldn't drown things out completely, and I was jittery as hell, and was suffering from a BAD case of hyperawareness, twitching and jumping at every little sound. There was a table full of girls next to me that were laughing and carrying on, and I could NOT tune it out. You ever played those games where you have to shoot at shit that's coming at you from all angles at every second and you get to the point in the game where it's so hard that it's not fun anymore and you're just like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"? That's kind of what it was like. I was shaking by the time I finished that test. It wasn't a hard test. The questions were, in places, either repeats of ones she's asked before, or else just kind of asinine. But I was shaking. My mother came and collected me, and we went home. I was gripping the armrests the entire time. She asked me what was wrong. I said "Nothing." She doesn't understand it--she's never had a panic attack.
I'd forgotten what it felt like, really.
I hadn't missed it either.
The gut-grinding anxiety continued into Thursday, where micro lab finally worked its magic. Microbiology is...I don't even know how to explain it. I have enjoyed my time in the laboratory setting, whether it be biology or chemistry, to date. But it's never been fully comfortable. Much like when you buy that pair of shoes because they're goddamn cute, but they don't actually fit very comfortably. It's not MISERABLE, you can wear them, but you keep having to stop and adjust the strap, or slip them off to ease your aching toes. But in micro lab...it's like wearing your favorite pair of five-dollar flipflops from Old Navy. They get a little slippery sometimes, but you don't care, you love them and they love you. It's not that I'm suddenly magically amazing in the lab. I still have amusing mishaps...I splattered myself with Crystal Violet when we did Gram staining, and it took two days for that shit to come out. Tie-dye concentrate isn't that bad, y'all! And this past week, I put my slide on UPSIDE DOWN, and could NOT figure out why my beautiful, perfectly-stained slide of Bacillus cereus wasn't working. I just feel...confident in there, confident that I know what I'm doing and that I'm doing it well. I just...I love the material so much. I enjoy the procedures. I could spend hours upon hours in a micro lab and be totally, completely happy.
My social life took a few decided blows this week. What social life there is. I was supposed to have dinner with a friend, dinner with a former professor, and hang out with a girl I went to high school with as well. None of those things happened. What're the chances of ALL of your chances for socializing failing? Apparently pretty good. I just kind of went numb to it. I keep remembering my sister saying "WE HAVE TO GET YOU OUT OF MOORE COUNTY." I never disagreed with her on that number. It's not a bad place, it'll always be my hometown and all that, but it has a way of making you want to just give up.
And I kind of don't ever want to give up.
So. I keep moving. What else am I going to do, really? I don't really understand how people manage to give up. If I ever really gave up and said, "Welp, that's it, then, I can't do anything else, I'm just going to sit here and let life abuse me", I think I'd end up being terribly, terribly bored. My mind does not rest well with giving up. It only settles down when it's satisfied, and there is a distinct difference between being finished and being satisfied.
Speaking of being bored, I am bored with virtually* my entire music collection. Someone give me some recommendations. I do not typically like rock, rap, or country, but I am open-minded. Feed me, people. I'm bored. And no one wants me bored, I get destructive when I'm bored. I start shaving cream fights.
*Has anyone listened to Edwina Hayes before? She has a song on the My Sister's Keeper soundtrack. Gorgeous, gorgeous voice, very clear and sweet, but with a beautiful Eva Cassidy-like color to her voice. I bought her album off Amazon and have been thrilled with it.
Also also...if you've friended me and I've not friended you back, it's not because I'm antisocial or think you smell like socks from all the way across the internet, it's because LJ doesn't tell me these things and I don't know you're there till you comment because I'm apparently somewhat a dingbat and don't check these things out. So, let me know you're there and who you are and crap. The main reason this post is public, actually.
I had the first panic attack I've had that was large enough to register on my personal Richter Scale since I've been on Lexapro. It was rather unpleasant. Well, that's a bit obvious, isn't it? Of course it was unpleasant. It just kind of roared up out of nowhere, a frantic clawing get-me-out-of-here sensation on Wednesday. I was in micro lecture, and it wasn't a typical lecture--she had us doing review work, and that deviation from the regular schedule, apparently, was all it took. I went to Dempsey, and began working on my online test for enviro, and...
...I had music playing. Blasting in my ears, in fact, it was doing a pretty good job drowning things out. But I couldn't drown things out completely, and I was jittery as hell, and was suffering from a BAD case of hyperawareness, twitching and jumping at every little sound. There was a table full of girls next to me that were laughing and carrying on, and I could NOT tune it out. You ever played those games where you have to shoot at shit that's coming at you from all angles at every second and you get to the point in the game where it's so hard that it's not fun anymore and you're just like "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"? That's kind of what it was like. I was shaking by the time I finished that test. It wasn't a hard test. The questions were, in places, either repeats of ones she's asked before, or else just kind of asinine. But I was shaking. My mother came and collected me, and we went home. I was gripping the armrests the entire time. She asked me what was wrong. I said "Nothing." She doesn't understand it--she's never had a panic attack.
I'd forgotten what it felt like, really.
I hadn't missed it either.
The gut-grinding anxiety continued into Thursday, where micro lab finally worked its magic. Microbiology is...I don't even know how to explain it. I have enjoyed my time in the laboratory setting, whether it be biology or chemistry, to date. But it's never been fully comfortable. Much like when you buy that pair of shoes because they're goddamn cute, but they don't actually fit very comfortably. It's not MISERABLE, you can wear them, but you keep having to stop and adjust the strap, or slip them off to ease your aching toes. But in micro lab...it's like wearing your favorite pair of five-dollar flipflops from Old Navy. They get a little slippery sometimes, but you don't care, you love them and they love you. It's not that I'm suddenly magically amazing in the lab. I still have amusing mishaps...I splattered myself with Crystal Violet when we did Gram staining, and it took two days for that shit to come out. Tie-dye concentrate isn't that bad, y'all! And this past week, I put my slide on UPSIDE DOWN, and could NOT figure out why my beautiful, perfectly-stained slide of Bacillus cereus wasn't working. I just feel...confident in there, confident that I know what I'm doing and that I'm doing it well. I just...I love the material so much. I enjoy the procedures. I could spend hours upon hours in a micro lab and be totally, completely happy.
My social life took a few decided blows this week. What social life there is. I was supposed to have dinner with a friend, dinner with a former professor, and hang out with a girl I went to high school with as well. None of those things happened. What're the chances of ALL of your chances for socializing failing? Apparently pretty good. I just kind of went numb to it. I keep remembering my sister saying "WE HAVE TO GET YOU OUT OF MOORE COUNTY." I never disagreed with her on that number. It's not a bad place, it'll always be my hometown and all that, but it has a way of making you want to just give up.
And I kind of don't ever want to give up.
So. I keep moving. What else am I going to do, really? I don't really understand how people manage to give up. If I ever really gave up and said, "Welp, that's it, then, I can't do anything else, I'm just going to sit here and let life abuse me", I think I'd end up being terribly, terribly bored. My mind does not rest well with giving up. It only settles down when it's satisfied, and there is a distinct difference between being finished and being satisfied.
Speaking of being bored, I am bored with virtually* my entire music collection. Someone give me some recommendations. I do not typically like rock, rap, or country, but I am open-minded. Feed me, people. I'm bored. And no one wants me bored, I get destructive when I'm bored. I start shaving cream fights.
*Has anyone listened to Edwina Hayes before? She has a song on the My Sister's Keeper soundtrack. Gorgeous, gorgeous voice, very clear and sweet, but with a beautiful Eva Cassidy-like color to her voice. I bought her album off Amazon and have been thrilled with it.
Also also...if you've friended me and I've not friended you back, it's not because I'm antisocial or think you smell like socks from all the way across the internet, it's because LJ doesn't tell me these things and I don't know you're there till you comment because I'm apparently somewhat a dingbat and don't check these things out. So, let me know you're there and who you are and crap. The main reason this post is public, actually.