The Universe Mandates It (SHINee/SNSD, platonic Onew/Taeyeon)
The Universe Mandates It
platonic!Onew/Taeyeon, crack!SHINeeGeneration
G, Crack!fic and humor.
Kibum gets owned, Jinki eats good sandwiches with Taeyeon and there is general chaos.
Kibum tries to bridge the gap first.
"I made sandwiches,"
The other four members of SNSD show up in seven minutes and they've all got a sandwich in their hands, except Kibum only packed ten this morning because he didn't know that they had some otherworldly psychic powers which enabled them to communicate without cellphones. And Taemin is happily chomping on the remaining sandwich (after having it stuffed in his mouth by unanimous agreeement of all the other thirteen in the room). He offers a crust to Jonghyun when he whimpers; Key rolls his eyes and heads out to buy lunch with the (supposed to be unused so it could go towards that new video game) lunch money manager gave them this morning.
Taeyeon is giving Minho the Leader-stare because he's eyeing her sandwich in a disturbingly focused way (eye rape, Jonghyun and Taemin like to call it) and breaks down right away ("Traitor, Taeyeon-ah!" "Shut up, he's a growing boy!") . Conscience relieved, she wanders over to Jinki, cheeks working furiously. "Eesh ah reeree goo"
Jinki is not fazed, because he lives with four other teenage boys and there is no such thing, ever, as chewing with your mouth shut for an entire meal or talking around anything less than a gigantic mouthful. He, by now, has also seen nine skinny girls on a diet with nineteen hour work days at meals numerous times. So he takes that as "These are really good!" and not "He's a leery goon," (because that wouldn't make sense anyway, when there are no leery goons and the subject of the conversation is sandwiches-)
"-have cucumbers in them," Taeyeon is saying thoughtfully. She regards her sandwich calmly, not unlike the way one would regard an unexploded landmine when you are the only person around for miles; very similar to the way all the members like to watch Kibum right before he explodes. Then, a squirrel scampers onto that isolated landmine or something- "You remember, don't you. Jessica hates-" - and there's a shriek.
"THERE ARE CUCUMBERS IN MY SANDWICH!"
"-cucumbers," She finishes. Takes another bite calmly.
"Taemin loves cucumbers," Jinki says conversationally.
"Oh," Taeyeon blinks and takes another bite, calmly. She really has this leader thing down pat, Jinki muses. You know, the part where you sit by serenely when everything is going upside down and everyone is freaking out. "One fail point for us then,"
"I'm baaack!" Kibum's voice echoes in the staircase, and Jessica beats even Minho the door. Minho looks momentarily confused, then proceeds to remove the lunch boxes from Kibum's arms (and danger) anyway because Jessica looks like she's about to commit bloody murder, very very bloody murder indeed.
"This is how you treat me?" Jessica snarls. "I buy you patbingsoo, I teach you how to behave on variety programs, I introduced you to Junsu, I put up with you copying my new hair and THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT ME?" Only, her voice is incomprehensible after that because Kim Kibum does not get PMS-ed at (only does the PMS-ing) and never gives up an opportunity to argue. ("WOMAN, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY-" "DON'T YOU WOMAN ME!")
Something goes flying through the air and Jessica's sandwich lands plop on Jinki's lap. He and Taeyeon blink simultaneously (they're getting really good at it) and both take a bite of their (one of which was formerly Jessica's but Jinki now declares his) sandwiches. Chew, watch Yoona charm a dumpling from Jonghyun, swallow. Jessica has Kibum in a headlock now, don't know how, and lets go once she's been assured that yes, she will get all the meat in Kibum's bento.
Jinki blinks. "I think Jessica just beat Kibum in an argument,"
"Jessica beats everyone. Even PMS-ing, pubescent, diva boy-banders. Who can cook,"
"True say. We fail,"
"So now we're even?"
"Even," And they eat, because the sandwiches are really good and Kibum's outdone himself this time; he makes a mental note to tell Kibum how amazing the sandwiches are before he realizes he'd probably get henpecked about Kibum's not having one. He decides just to enjoy the sandwich.
There's a tussle by the closet over lunchboxes (who deserves this and who needs that and who should let ladies be first). Taeyeon points a finger at them and the intended severity of the gesture is dampened by the fact that it is smeared with butter. "You wreck the stage costumes, I kill you. And take it out of your paycheck," Her yell is ignored and she promptly goes back to eating.
"It's okay, Taemin already outgrew his. We've only had them for a month . The stylists were crying, those leggings don't come any longer,"
She stares. "So those really are leggings?"
"Yeah, you know, the kind that are made to look like skinny jeans," Taeyeon is looking at him with a strange mixture of pity, revulsion and curiosity and he feels obliged to explain because it's not like they wear that stuff by choice. "We are the contemporary band, SHINee!"
"I didn't even know they made those for guys,"
"...They don't,"
"You guys do fail," Jinki blinks (has been doing that a lot lately), shrugs and nods; he has learned to accept the truth mandated by the cruel universe (like how Minho will always beat him at video games, Taemin will always be able to wield aegyo intentionally, Jonghyun will always be short). There's a pool of red liquid (the blood of the members? Jinki muses) on the floor across the room. "Tomato juice," Taeyeon explains, gesturing at Tiffany, lying on the floor, one shoe still hooked over Taemin's outstretched leg.
"Fail,"
"Jinx,"
Something goes flying past them and there's a crack in the mirrored wall; Seohyun is shrieking English obscenities at Kibum and waving another shoe at him. Jessica and Tiffany look mildly impressed and alarmed, everyone else is just impressed (with the exception of Kibum, who is very much alarmed, as most would be when there is a stiletto aimed at one's head)
Taeyeon blinks. "Your jinx worked. You win,"
The universe is cruel when it forces you to observe the descent of the practice room into a chaotic hellion populated by your band members (who will be picked up in half an hour).
Jinki turns on the music to drown out the noise; Taeyeon locks the door.
"It's really like saving our managers from early heart attack,"
"And grief,"
"Or something,"
Stalemate. They eat.
Posted previously at shinee_replay.
platonic!Onew/Taeyeon, crack!SHINeeGeneration
G, Crack!fic and humor.
Kibum gets owned, Jinki eats good sandwiches with Taeyeon and there is general chaos.
Kibum tries to bridge the gap first.
"I made sandwiches,"
The other four members of SNSD show up in seven minutes and they've all got a sandwich in their hands, except Kibum only packed ten this morning because he didn't know that they had some otherworldly psychic powers which enabled them to communicate without cellphones. And Taemin is happily chomping on the remaining sandwich (after having it stuffed in his mouth by unanimous agreeement of all the other thirteen in the room). He offers a crust to Jonghyun when he whimpers; Key rolls his eyes and heads out to buy lunch with the (supposed to be unused so it could go towards that new video game) lunch money manager gave them this morning.
Taeyeon is giving Minho the Leader-stare because he's eyeing her sandwich in a disturbingly focused way (eye rape, Jonghyun and Taemin like to call it) and breaks down right away ("Traitor, Taeyeon-ah!" "Shut up, he's a growing boy!") . Conscience relieved, she wanders over to Jinki, cheeks working furiously. "Eesh ah reeree goo"
Jinki is not fazed, because he lives with four other teenage boys and there is no such thing, ever, as chewing with your mouth shut for an entire meal or talking around anything less than a gigantic mouthful. He, by now, has also seen nine skinny girls on a diet with nineteen hour work days at meals numerous times. So he takes that as "These are really good!" and not "He's a leery goon," (because that wouldn't make sense anyway, when there are no leery goons and the subject of the conversation is sandwiches-)
"-have cucumbers in them," Taeyeon is saying thoughtfully. She regards her sandwich calmly, not unlike the way one would regard an unexploded landmine when you are the only person around for miles; very similar to the way all the members like to watch Kibum right before he explodes. Then, a squirrel scampers onto that isolated landmine or something- "You remember, don't you. Jessica hates-" - and there's a shriek.
"THERE ARE CUCUMBERS IN MY SANDWICH!"
"-cucumbers," She finishes. Takes another bite calmly.
"Taemin loves cucumbers," Jinki says conversationally.
"Oh," Taeyeon blinks and takes another bite, calmly. She really has this leader thing down pat, Jinki muses. You know, the part where you sit by serenely when everything is going upside down and everyone is freaking out. "One fail point for us then,"
"I'm baaack!" Kibum's voice echoes in the staircase, and Jessica beats even Minho the door. Minho looks momentarily confused, then proceeds to remove the lunch boxes from Kibum's arms (and danger) anyway because Jessica looks like she's about to commit bloody murder, very very bloody murder indeed.
"This is how you treat me?" Jessica snarls. "I buy you patbingsoo, I teach you how to behave on variety programs, I introduced you to Junsu, I put up with you copying my new hair and THIS IS HOW YOU TREAT ME?" Only, her voice is incomprehensible after that because Kim Kibum does not get PMS-ed at (only does the PMS-ing) and never gives up an opportunity to argue. ("WOMAN, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY-" "DON'T YOU WOMAN ME!")
Something goes flying through the air and Jessica's sandwich lands plop on Jinki's lap. He and Taeyeon blink simultaneously (they're getting really good at it) and both take a bite of their (one of which was formerly Jessica's but Jinki now declares his) sandwiches. Chew, watch Yoona charm a dumpling from Jonghyun, swallow. Jessica has Kibum in a headlock now, don't know how, and lets go once she's been assured that yes, she will get all the meat in Kibum's bento.
Jinki blinks. "I think Jessica just beat Kibum in an argument,"
"Jessica beats everyone. Even PMS-ing, pubescent, diva boy-banders. Who can cook,"
"True say. We fail,"
"So now we're even?"
"Even," And they eat, because the sandwiches are really good and Kibum's outdone himself this time; he makes a mental note to tell Kibum how amazing the sandwiches are before he realizes he'd probably get henpecked about Kibum's not having one. He decides just to enjoy the sandwich.
There's a tussle by the closet over lunchboxes (who deserves this and who needs that and who should let ladies be first). Taeyeon points a finger at them and the intended severity of the gesture is dampened by the fact that it is smeared with butter. "You wreck the stage costumes, I kill you. And take it out of your paycheck," Her yell is ignored and she promptly goes back to eating.
"It's okay, Taemin already outgrew his. We've only had them for a month . The stylists were crying, those leggings don't come any longer,"
She stares. "So those really are leggings?"
"Yeah, you know, the kind that are made to look like skinny jeans," Taeyeon is looking at him with a strange mixture of pity, revulsion and curiosity and he feels obliged to explain because it's not like they wear that stuff by choice. "We are the contemporary band, SHINee!"
"I didn't even know they made those for guys,"
"...They don't,"
"You guys do fail," Jinki blinks (has been doing that a lot lately), shrugs and nods; he has learned to accept the truth mandated by the cruel universe (like how Minho will always beat him at video games, Taemin will always be able to wield aegyo intentionally, Jonghyun will always be short). There's a pool of red liquid (the blood of the members? Jinki muses) on the floor across the room. "Tomato juice," Taeyeon explains, gesturing at Tiffany, lying on the floor, one shoe still hooked over Taemin's outstretched leg.
"Fail,"
"Jinx,"
Something goes flying past them and there's a crack in the mirrored wall; Seohyun is shrieking English obscenities at Kibum and waving another shoe at him. Jessica and Tiffany look mildly impressed and alarmed, everyone else is just impressed (with the exception of Kibum, who is very much alarmed, as most would be when there is a stiletto aimed at one's head)
Taeyeon blinks. "Your jinx worked. You win,"
The universe is cruel when it forces you to observe the descent of the practice room into a chaotic hellion populated by your band members (who will be picked up in half an hour).
Jinki turns on the music to drown out the noise; Taeyeon locks the door.
"It's really like saving our managers from early heart attack,"
"And grief,"
"Or something,"
Stalemate. They eat.
Posted previously at shinee_replay.