To live would be a great adventure...
"Do not fear death, but rather the unlived life. You don't have to live forever; you just have to live."
- Tuck Everlasting
Almost a year ago, I made what should have been just your average, annual New Year's Resolution. I don't normally make resolutions, mainly because I never really keep them. But this one was different.
I had just spent the last eight months in a terrible, abusive relationship that left me poor, homeless, angry and broken. I was lost. I knew nothing except the fact that I had to get away. I had to get away from my ex-boyfriend, my roommates, my living situation; my life. So I did.
The night I submitted my two weeks notice to my roommate and landlord, I began my frantic search for a new home and randomly decided to contact an old high school friend. I explained to him my situation and desperately asked if he might have a room for rent in his house. Ironically, his previous roommate had just moved out that morning and he needed someone to re-rent the room a.s.a.p. Within 72 hours, I toured his house, picked up my keys, hired movers and left. Finally, I had found the strength and courage enough to abandon a ship that had already sunk months before.
After a few hours of moving, I settled into my new bedroom and wept. I was scared and furious that my life had been reduced to such a shambles and yet, I was overjoyed at the same time. This was it: the beginning of a new life. My life. For the first time ever, I did not have professors telling me what courses to take or douchebag boyfriends telling me how to dress and spend my money. This was finally, once and for all, my life.
On New Year's Eve, less than two months after my move, I drove down to the city to spend the evening with some of my closest and oldest friends. On the way there, my co-worker, Matt, asked what my New Year's Resolution was. I had not really thought about it until that moment. What I said in response was, literally, the first thing that popped into my mind.
"To live," I said.
He seemed a bit baffled. "What do you mean?" he inquired.
"I'm tired of living my life in fear," I exclaimed. "I'm tired of waiting for my next paycheck. I'm tired of just surviving. I want to live!"
It was the first time I ever realized how miserable I had been over the last two years; and it was the first time I had bothered to ask myself "why?" And in asking, I found an answer that I did not wholly expect. I had spent my last two relationships watching money and misery control the lives of my boyfriends. I had let them control me and somehow I lost myself; I forgot who I was and neglected all that I had loved the most.
So 2009 became “The Year of the Resolution.” I did things I had never done before. I got a job at a theater for the first time since graduating from Towson; I got a tattoo, my nose pierced, took a hip-hop class and traveled to Las Vegas. I made choices for the first time in my life instead of asking someone else to make them for me. And these choices, well, they changed me. They changed me in ways I never anticipated; they moved me in directions I never thought to go.
Making that Resolution was the best thing I have ever done for myself. It was so simple and yet so profound. It was the easiest, most natural decision I have ever made.
It was the decision that brought me to today; the Now.
Here I sit, five days since the closing of A Chorus Line just one week until Christmas and two before the New Year, reflecting on all that I have done. I look back, not only on the last year but on the last four months, with such awe knowing all that I have accomplished. I feel overwhelmed with a sense of gratitude for the many inspiring moments and individuals that I have encountered along the way. This is truly the first time I have ever been able to look at my past and feel proud and confident. I no longer feel as if I have failed at multiple attempts to jump-start my life. I now realize that I have never failed at anything; I just wasn’t paying attention to all of my success. It’s as if I have opened my eyes for the millionth time and finally see a life that I was too distracted and scared to live before.
I have no idea what my future holds; I can only hope and do my best. I have no plans and no alternatives. Only my dreams. And I will do my best to live them because what is there to do but live?
Before getting my tattoo, I thought long and hard about what I wanted. In the end, I settled on a single word: Amen. It is written in Hebrew on my wrist where I will always see. Yes, and so be it. It is my personal reminder that life was never meant for me to control; it was meant for me to live.
So, my Resolution for 2010? To continue living...
For what it's worth, it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit; stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same; there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you; I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view.
I hope you live a life that you're proud of. And if you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.
Here's to a wonderful 2010. May you never forget nor regret all that you did for love.