Not Able To
I'm in an ill mood tonight Mom. I can’t stop crying. It’s the first time I’ve cried since you went to jail. I'm sure you won't like this post. It's going to be mean, hurtful, ruthless, and devoid of the love I'm sure you need me to feel for you. I don't love you. I’m crying because I have finally given up on you.
I hope you understand that. I hope you know what it does to me to say that. It ruins me. I'm a loving person, and I can't love you. The simple truth is that I don't love you and I won't ever be able to love you. I can't love you. You see, if I loved you, I would be as messed up as you. No, I don't. And I can't because I can't ever let myself be hurt like I have been by you before. I won't allow myself to be hurt by you as much as I am now, not ever again.
You hurt me. Tonight you hurt me by haunting me and filling my memories with things. I don't want to remember "things." I don't want to remember anything about my life, or anything that includes you. I want to be freed from my association to you, my history with you, and the damage you've done to me. You hurt me so much, and so often that I can't imagine life without the abuse. I should have fought back and made you stop but I couldn't find the strength by the time I was old enough to finally fight back. I never wanted to harm you as you did me. I never would have. What kind of person are you to want to hurt me? What kind of person are you to want to hurt me when I only wanted kindness for you?
It's not my fault. None of what you did to me is. I'm not responsible for your actions or the results of your actions. You infected your own life. Though I've always taken responsibility for my own actions you are devoid of that sort of recognition. Do you not know what you do is wrong? What kind of person are you that you don't feel guilt for strangling your daughter? How can you go into a court room and pretend to cry. Is it more important to you to have a home that you rent from some unknown source than to have a child's love? Will you always seek others love to make you feel better? And when I'm trying to protect myself from you by filing for a restraining order you distract the judge by telling him not what he asked to hear? What of that? Why can't you answer questions with truth, and why must lies be your reality? Why, when he asked you if you did indeed do as I accused, did you say that I stole your house, was sleeping in your bed, and was living in your room? Does it make you feel better to say that you abused me, you beat me up, you left me on the floor in a ball, and heap, but the house is more important that me?
You disgust me, and I cannot love you. I cannot love someone who would prefer the love of a drug using, unfaithful, heartless man to that of her child. I cannot love someone who would tell her child that she no longer loves her, and that she wants to send her off with her father. I can't fathom love of a person who does that, then tries to harm her other child with worse offenses. How can I love someone of such a caliber?
You're trashy. A white trash Native American dirt that has made its way, manipulative, into peoples hearts. People trust your charisma, and you lie to them straight faced. You're a succubus who latches on to unknowing prey to find support. You need others to fuel your ego, to pet your drama, and to give you what you need. You cannot live without someone to drown, and you can't love yourself without them to support you and hold you above water. Not only are you trashy but you're a bottom feeder, nothing more than a scavenger who feeds on money, popularity, and greed. I can't love someone who would toss her child away to pursue capital satisfaction. Even worse, I can't love someone who used me only for the purpose of capital gain. How can you abuse love of someone? How do you sleep? Does it feel better knowing that a babysitter would always be around if you wanted to run away? Perhaps found another sugar-daddy?
Could you ever have loved me? Or was I a way into men's hearts? When you married Dale did I become the perfect opportunity to become a latchkey kid? Why didn't you ever go to my school functions? I had 53 school performances, of those, 32 were done at the school, 12 in parades, and when I was in the news paper why didn't you clip the notes? You could only go to the parades if it was with the rest of the family, and that was only once a year. Why couldn't you support me? Nevermind. I realize you're not capable of that. It's not in your nature to feel for anything other than yourself, or want for anything than self gratification. Even after having children you never learned to think for your kids, instead you thought with your dick.
Yes dick.
You're more a chauvinist than any man I've ever known. You think people should naturally want to take care of you. Your narcissistic ways have you convinced that if people don't do exactly as you say they couldn't possibly care for you. Perhaps that is what I've become. I do know I couldn't possibly love you how you are.
No Mom, I love the idea of you. The thought that perhaps one day things will get better. I love that when we don't fight we don't talk, and when we don't talk we don't fight. I love that you gave birth to me. But I cannot love you. You are horrible. You are wicked. You have no recognition to me any longer. As you said, you wish you'd never had me. I'm not your daughter. My shit doesn't stink because I'm a good for nothing worthless peice of trash, and you hate me. I don't love you for all of the damage you've done that I have to mend. I don't love you for the damage you'll do to other people’s lives. Especially Ellie who is so impressionable that you should be stripped out of the picture completely. She doesn't need your abuse.
Hell, I don't need your abuse.
I need you to be healthy. Normal. Worth something. I need you to have compassion, a big grip to give me a bear hug. I need you to not feel like strangling me when we have a disagreement. I need you not to tackle me when you think I might leave. I don't ever want you to touch me again in anger, and I want you to love me. I want honest, true, worthy love. I want love that means forever. I want to be touched when you say it because I want to know it's true.
I can't love you because you can never love me. You're not capable of the type of love I am, and I accept that. I just won't love you.
Because I can't love you I don't want you to think I hate you. Because despite what you've done to me, the horrible things you've caused, I cannot hate you. I can't even begin to think of causing harm to you. That's the type of person I am. What I want is wholeness. I won't ever get that because you're incapable. I can't hate you because you can't provide me with what I need, but I can "not" love you because of what you can't give me.
I won't love you because you can't possibly love me.
I hope you understand that. I hope you know what it does to me to say that. It ruins me. I'm a loving person, and I can't love you. The simple truth is that I don't love you and I won't ever be able to love you. I can't love you. You see, if I loved you, I would be as messed up as you. No, I don't. And I can't because I can't ever let myself be hurt like I have been by you before. I won't allow myself to be hurt by you as much as I am now, not ever again.
You hurt me. Tonight you hurt me by haunting me and filling my memories with things. I don't want to remember "things." I don't want to remember anything about my life, or anything that includes you. I want to be freed from my association to you, my history with you, and the damage you've done to me. You hurt me so much, and so often that I can't imagine life without the abuse. I should have fought back and made you stop but I couldn't find the strength by the time I was old enough to finally fight back. I never wanted to harm you as you did me. I never would have. What kind of person are you to want to hurt me? What kind of person are you to want to hurt me when I only wanted kindness for you?
It's not my fault. None of what you did to me is. I'm not responsible for your actions or the results of your actions. You infected your own life. Though I've always taken responsibility for my own actions you are devoid of that sort of recognition. Do you not know what you do is wrong? What kind of person are you that you don't feel guilt for strangling your daughter? How can you go into a court room and pretend to cry. Is it more important to you to have a home that you rent from some unknown source than to have a child's love? Will you always seek others love to make you feel better? And when I'm trying to protect myself from you by filing for a restraining order you distract the judge by telling him not what he asked to hear? What of that? Why can't you answer questions with truth, and why must lies be your reality? Why, when he asked you if you did indeed do as I accused, did you say that I stole your house, was sleeping in your bed, and was living in your room? Does it make you feel better to say that you abused me, you beat me up, you left me on the floor in a ball, and heap, but the house is more important that me?
You disgust me, and I cannot love you. I cannot love someone who would prefer the love of a drug using, unfaithful, heartless man to that of her child. I cannot love someone who would tell her child that she no longer loves her, and that she wants to send her off with her father. I can't fathom love of a person who does that, then tries to harm her other child with worse offenses. How can I love someone of such a caliber?
You're trashy. A white trash Native American dirt that has made its way, manipulative, into peoples hearts. People trust your charisma, and you lie to them straight faced. You're a succubus who latches on to unknowing prey to find support. You need others to fuel your ego, to pet your drama, and to give you what you need. You cannot live without someone to drown, and you can't love yourself without them to support you and hold you above water. Not only are you trashy but you're a bottom feeder, nothing more than a scavenger who feeds on money, popularity, and greed. I can't love someone who would toss her child away to pursue capital satisfaction. Even worse, I can't love someone who used me only for the purpose of capital gain. How can you abuse love of someone? How do you sleep? Does it feel better knowing that a babysitter would always be around if you wanted to run away? Perhaps found another sugar-daddy?
Could you ever have loved me? Or was I a way into men's hearts? When you married Dale did I become the perfect opportunity to become a latchkey kid? Why didn't you ever go to my school functions? I had 53 school performances, of those, 32 were done at the school, 12 in parades, and when I was in the news paper why didn't you clip the notes? You could only go to the parades if it was with the rest of the family, and that was only once a year. Why couldn't you support me? Nevermind. I realize you're not capable of that. It's not in your nature to feel for anything other than yourself, or want for anything than self gratification. Even after having children you never learned to think for your kids, instead you thought with your dick.
Yes dick.
You're more a chauvinist than any man I've ever known. You think people should naturally want to take care of you. Your narcissistic ways have you convinced that if people don't do exactly as you say they couldn't possibly care for you. Perhaps that is what I've become. I do know I couldn't possibly love you how you are.
No Mom, I love the idea of you. The thought that perhaps one day things will get better. I love that when we don't fight we don't talk, and when we don't talk we don't fight. I love that you gave birth to me. But I cannot love you. You are horrible. You are wicked. You have no recognition to me any longer. As you said, you wish you'd never had me. I'm not your daughter. My shit doesn't stink because I'm a good for nothing worthless peice of trash, and you hate me. I don't love you for all of the damage you've done that I have to mend. I don't love you for the damage you'll do to other people’s lives. Especially Ellie who is so impressionable that you should be stripped out of the picture completely. She doesn't need your abuse.
Hell, I don't need your abuse.
I need you to be healthy. Normal. Worth something. I need you to have compassion, a big grip to give me a bear hug. I need you to not feel like strangling me when we have a disagreement. I need you not to tackle me when you think I might leave. I don't ever want you to touch me again in anger, and I want you to love me. I want honest, true, worthy love. I want love that means forever. I want to be touched when you say it because I want to know it's true.
I can't love you because you can never love me. You're not capable of the type of love I am, and I accept that. I just won't love you.
Because I can't love you I don't want you to think I hate you. Because despite what you've done to me, the horrible things you've caused, I cannot hate you. I can't even begin to think of causing harm to you. That's the type of person I am. What I want is wholeness. I won't ever get that because you're incapable. I can't hate you because you can't provide me with what I need, but I can "not" love you because of what you can't give me.
I won't love you because you can't possibly love me.