(no subject)

[cidboy]

things between carolyn and i havent gotten any better. in fact i think theyve gotten worse shes upset wont tell me why. im depressed dont know how to tell her why without crushing her. i dont see this lasting long. i think she will move on from me. it saddens me. but i know that she diserves to be with someone who is really happy with her and truly into her. call me an asshole i dont care anymore. ive given up trying to pretend that im not. i wish sometimes that i had the balls just to live and say fuck off to all. like i did way back when. but then i remember how i was then and it scares me. it scares me to think how shitty i was to people and how much of a cock i really was. i doooooomed. need to be more of an asshole but dont want to be the asshole.

powers that be smite me with your powers of justice. im ready to be punished.