vaca, liars, & other shitty stuff...................
It's been a little bit since i've written in this. I don't really know why I have this. Sometimes I wish people didn't see it b/c there are certain things i want to write but can't because some things might be hurtful if you know that they are for you. It's not that I'm a bitch (even though I can be), I just speak the truth and my feelings I guess.
So, vaca is half over, yipee fuckin yay. It's not the best I guess. It's actually kinda different than the rest of the vacas from SNHU. Usually i go home. I guess i can say i'm at my second home, my moms. I couldnt go home and face my dad I guess. A lot has gone on between us since school. I have been so miserable for like the past..........at LEAST month. A lot of it has to do with the things w/him and me, but it's everything in general. LIFE. I feel like I don't want life. I am sick of having to make all these decisions that could really affect the rest of my life. First decision, of many that I won't list, is the school thing. Is it really for me? Do I really wanna be here at SNHU, or at any school for that matter? Sometimes I think I just came to get away from my dad and all the shit going on. I thought it would be like a whole new life, but it's actually getting worse. And I'm at SNHU not knowing at all what I want to do, I can't concentrate on a certain major. And people say that a lot of people go to college not knowing what they want to do, but I have not ONE idea. I feel like I'm wasting money. I don't even want to go to classes anymore. I have just been so miserable the past month and it's coming to the point that I just wanna sit myself in a corner or in my bed and just do nothing b/c I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Seriously, and people say oh, think about it, your life isnt that bad, look at the people that have it worse than you. And I hate when people say that because they honestly have NO clue what is is running through your mind. They think, oh most kids go through this their first year of college. Well do most kids swallow 54 pills because they don't know what the fuck else to do with their lives? Well, the ones that do, know how I feel. I'm not saying that I don't want to do it again, because almost every day since I still wanna do it again and again until there is no again, but I WON'T. The only reason I am not gonna do anything to hurt myself again is because of my family, and the TRUE friends that I have. You know who you are. The ones that care and listen to me when I need to cry or talk. Not the ones that tell me I need a shrink. Not the ones that FUCKING LIE or HIDE SHIT from me. I'm so fuckin set with that bullshit. Just when you think that things are getting better, they get WORSE. And just when you think that someone really is a true friend and they're there for you, you realize that they're NOT.
I guess this vaca gives me just a TINY bit of time to think of everything. I had a chance to chat with my brother which made me realize how much I love him and the rest of my family and my friends. I just get so frustrated and don't know what to do that all I can think about is not being here anymore. I just get sad of the thought of the people who really do care about me. And Ramie~ thank you for caring so much, and I'm sorry I upset you like I did. I seriously just don't like life and I don't know what to do. I won't leave though, not purposely, not like that. I'm just sick of everyone's BS and sick of being miserable.
Still no car, but Amanda is the best b/c she let's me take hers when I need to! Yay! Thanks for the chats and listening to me. What was that Quof??? or Kwof??? However you wanna spell it!! hahaha. ~Teenie~ "Remember the Rule" :-)
No computer, very shitty. No money, even shittier. Work study job-not enough money to afford either.
Where to live this summer?? Isn't it nice when your parent sets these guidlines, (stupid ones I should mention), that have to be met or you can't live there for the summer after college. Oh wait, I bet your parents don't do that. Must be nice. I wish I could afford my own place. It would be so much easier. Ya know what... maybe I'll commute next year for school, it will be cheaper and I won't have to deal with anymore of that highschool bullshit and pathetic fuckin lies or whatever the fuck they are. Yea real mature. I can just come and go to classes and that's about it. It would probably be better for me. Maybe. On the other hand, it could be worse because being around my dad isn't the best all the time either, especially because of what's going on now. Damn it, more decisions I can't seem to make. I guess the big reason I'm staying at SNHU next year is because of the people, I'll miss them lots. Well, the ones that give a shit anyways.......
I feel so worn out right now I think I'm done writing for now...........maye there will be a continuance tomorrow..............................
~*Nighty Night*~