it's been a while.......
So, I haven't updated this thing in a long time. I guess I just have to be in the mood to write in it. So much has happened since i've last written in this. I think I was actually still at SNHU.
Anyways, so i'm back home. I'm not doing as good as I would like to be. I am completely unhappy. When i came home at first in December I was alright for a little bit, but then I just got really down. And it's hard because everything here has changed so much in the past couple of years. Which is understandable ya know, people and things change. But I can't deal with the change. I hate it so much. All of it. I hate that I don't talk to my friends as much as I used to. Like the people at home. One in particular, Rachel G (Ramie), her and I were the best of friends, we hung out and talked every single day. I was there for her for her unplanned pregnancy. And even when the father of the baby LEFT HER and said all this shit. Well he decided that he wanted to come back into hers and the baby's life, and oh there goes christina, shes not important anymore ya know. I did everything i could for her, i was there for her to listen and stuff. ANd to cry about dave and everything else, and then i just get kicked aside like a piece of shit. It really hurts. We just recently started talking again, but nothing major at all. Theres so much more to it that i just don't want to explain b/c it just hurts and pisses me off. whatever. Then there's everyone at school. I know that we do drift, but again, i don't like it, and i'm the type of person who has trouble facing it. I don't talk to everyone enough. We are all busy working and doing our own things and catching up w/our friends from home that we just don't get much time to talk and stuff. Like at school we had each other every day and then i left in December and I feel like i lost most of that. Like me and jane. I think she's scared to tell me stuff b/c she doesnt like the way i react or something. And it hurts to know that she can't tell me stuff anymore. We were so close freshman year, like inseperable. And then over the summer things were cool and stuff and then sophomore year we just kinda drifted i guess. But i think i got upset b/c she didnt seem to want to tell me things and stuff. And i didnt mean to be a bitch or react in those certain ways, it's just that i care Jane and don't want to see you get hurt, ya know. And Jane I want you to be able to tell me anything. I want you to be able to call me if you need to vent or need someone to talk to ya know. Miss ya! Anyways, me and Kristin got really close first semester too and it sucks b/c we don't talk nearly as much as i wish we did, since i left. And i miss her lots! There's just a lot that me and Kristin have in common that we didnt know before. Like a lot of past stuff and how we feel about certain stuff. And i mean it takes a lot for me to tell people the things i told kristin. Kristin i miss you SO much. And then there's steffy, we dont even really talk now. At school when I was there, i didnt see her much b/c she's always running around, she's a busy girl. And she seemed really stressed out a lot so it was hard to know when a good time to talk was. So i kinda let her come to me if she needed to ya know. And when she did come in and sit and talk and stuff it was awesome! B/c i love my steffy too. It's just that we all have so many things going on in our lives it's hard. SO, basically i'm saying that i miss everyone so much and the friendships that we had. B/c i need my friends more than anything right now, especially lately.
ok, back to what's been going on. I thought things were alright when i came home. Well, they aren't even close to being good. I mean there are a few things to be happy about, but not to make my life complete. There is something missing and i can't find it. and it hurts so unbelievably bad. Ok, so let's start w/the good. Finally got a dependable car. None of this Geo bullshit. I got a loan for a car! VW Jetta! And i'm very happy w/it! I love it! Also, my brother got married, and Allisha (Lish), his new wife is 6 weeks pregnant, this will be their second! Um, so i think that's really it right now for good stuff. I've been through a couple jobs since i've been home and now i'm jobless. I am very depressed, very unhappy, have no idea where my life is going and just really depressed to the point where I really think that I need to see someone. It's disturbing to think that b/c i hate shrinks and all them but it's not just a little sad, it's bad. I think about bad things. I just can't handle it. And theres just so much pain inside. And i'm always so unhappy. I can't control the way i feel. I can't stop feeling like this and thinking like i do. It just comes naturally and I CANT stop it.....
So that's all for now. I miss all you snhu people. And jb thanks for the Dover day. It really did help. It helps to know that i can call you if i need to and you'll be there! Thanks. It was a bad day for me and you really really did help! miss ya girlie!
As for Krusty-Tuna, we need another Rd. Trip to NY to see eric! lol. But before we do that, we need to hang out and talk.....we have SO much catching up to do!!!! miss ya tons!