*sigh*
It's 2am, and I am extremely tired, but I don't want to go to sleep because I am kinda down and I don't want to dream about sad/upsetting things. I dunno I was in a fine mood this morning, then I was so bitchy. Then I was in a good mood, then I was upset again. And it's the most F'd up thing, I have NO clue why I was upset. And now, I kinda think i know why I am but I think they are ridiculous reasons so I don't wanna talk with anyone about them. I keep it in. People say it's the worst thing to do, but that's me and that's what I do. I can't help it. Grr. wtf is wrong w/me? I just need to be home, in my room, back to the past. I can't seem to get over the past. I get so depressed because I just wish I could go back to how things used to be, like way back in the day. I'm not ready to grow up, but there is NOTHING i can do about it and it eats away at me like crazy. Life was just so much simpler when i was like 12 or something ya know? I just don't like dealing with lifes obstacles. I feel like i'm screwing up. I mean most of all i just need to be home right now. And hopefully it will get my head back on straight. I just need my space. It's not that I don't love all of my girlies in K17, but it's honestly just too much right now for me. I thought I could deal with college. I thought i could go through it. I thought I could challenge myself and work hard but it's just not there for me, not right now anyways. I just don't know what else to do. I feel like I'm running from something. I just don't know what. I wonder if I'm doing this because I just don't want to grow up. I dunno. I don't think so, but it was just a thought. Seriously, lifes a crazy thing. I want to go back to the past so bad. I want to have all my childhood friends. It's like we are all drifting apart and that's the worst because I need them like crazy these days. Not just my childhood friends, but my friends through highschool even. Everyone is just going in their own direction and it hurts so bad to know that we are growing up and ARE really going in our different directions. One good thing though, at least i seem to be leaning towards my family. Not everyone gets to have a chance to be with their fam and i am definitely grateful for that. I dunno where the hell i'd be without them. They have helped me through all of this and it is just such a great feeling to know that they are there for me always! I dunno I just have lots to think about. There's just so much here at SNHU that i think about and it depresses me. Relationships/friendships/schoolwork/people/the environment maybe, i dunno really, but it's something and i just can't quite figure it all out yet. It's definitely gonna take some time to get myself together. I just can't wait. December 21st is coming! Yes i'll miss everyone here tons, but it's better for me.....
~*Nighty Night*~