(no subject)
There is something to be said about pain. It isn't fun, it isn't easy to get rid of, it pretty much just sucks. There are different kinds of pain, obviously, emotional and physical. It seems easier, for me at least, to isolate physical pain and then ignore it. When I broke my elbow I distinctly remember telling myself to isolate the pain; I pushed it all the way down into the joint at my elbow and I was able to ignore it. I didn't even cry when I shattered it...until my mom came and then of course I lost it. But emotional pain is something completely different. It's harder to feel that kind of gnawing in your body and get rid of it. You can't ignore it because it goes with you everywhere you go, it's unrelenting and mean. I honestly don't think that the pain of being in love is worth it. The excruciating pain of being in love with someone who doesn't feel the same towards you is not worth it. And this is all very melodramatic and I'm aware of that, but really. I have to live in a house with this person for whom I feel so much love and while he loves me back it isn't in the way I want. Which is silly and selfish but true. He loves me as much as I do him just in a different way. So sad. And he has this girlfriend with whom he has very little in common except that apparently the sex is great. She doesn't treat him well, treats him like a toy and not a person. And I've been so good about not saying anything, and my acceptance of the situation has stayed firm until recently when I realized that the sex that apparently is worth staying together for would be happening in my basement. I don't know how I'm going to handle that. I'm going to try, very very hard to be okay with it, to be happy for him as I always do.
We move in nine days from today. Nine days. And then I'll be able to go home after work and have it be my home. I'll be able to go home for the holidays. I start school in late January. I'll have class again. There is so much to look forward to and so much to fear. But to say I'm going home and to have that mean sharing a house with all of these great people...So worth the hardship and the terror of failure.
We move in nine days from today. Nine days. And then I'll be able to go home after work and have it be my home. I'll be able to go home for the holidays. I start school in late January. I'll have class again. There is so much to look forward to and so much to fear. But to say I'm going home and to have that mean sharing a house with all of these great people...So worth the hardship and the terror of failure.