(no subject)
There is a part of me that isn't human. A part of me that aches to "go home." To wherever my soul comes from. I have never felt like a person. I've never really felt like I belonged on Earth. This makes me wonder if that part of me that isn't human had a purpose on the plane that I'm no longer on, like my soul wants to go back to work. But I'm here and alive and living a life to learn from. This is the part of me that thinks I want to give myself away, it's just a body. This is the part of me that writes and dreams and tells me all those things I'm not supposed to think or know. But there's another part of me that is very much human; the part of me that likes to be touched and held and looked at and the part that feels loyalty to my friends and those select few in my family who haven't fucked me over. This is the part that tells me I can't just give myself away, the part that tells me "That oven will burn you if you touch it," the part of me that keeps my meanness in check. This segregation in my head makes almost any decision I make difficult, and I'm constantly in conflict with myself. What one part of me wants the other won't let me have.
Because of all of this I realize that the decision I just made (going against what the human part of me wants) was a bad one. It risks making things awkward and risks losing me a friendship. However it also tells me that the part of me that isn't human can beat back the part of me that is. Now that I've broken the barrier once I'm sure I can do it again. I just have to get the halves to agree to a compromise. And this brings up another issue; I do have a compromise in my head it's just that the door isn't open to that option. So I'm not only conflicted but I have a way out of the conflict I just can't do it, and any other choice is just not good enough for my halves to agree on.
It was nerves, not excitement. Good thing they sound the same.
Because of all of this I realize that the decision I just made (going against what the human part of me wants) was a bad one. It risks making things awkward and risks losing me a friendship. However it also tells me that the part of me that isn't human can beat back the part of me that is. Now that I've broken the barrier once I'm sure I can do it again. I just have to get the halves to agree to a compromise. And this brings up another issue; I do have a compromise in my head it's just that the door isn't open to that option. So I'm not only conflicted but I have a way out of the conflict I just can't do it, and any other choice is just not good enough for my halves to agree on.
It was nerves, not excitement. Good thing they sound the same.