The Number One Reason To Never Listen To Mirage
Ya...um...Rammstein and True Blood and a really, really horny Jazz muse are to blame for this. Also, apparently leaving me at home with a full box of Ferrero Rocher chocolate produces smut. Er - enjoy?
Title: The Number One Reason To Never Listen To Mirage
Rating: M
Warnings: Plug-n-play smut
Setting: G1
Pairings/Characters: Jazz/Megatron, Mirage, Prowl
Summary: The Jazz-man can do anything. Period.
---
I should have listened to Mirage, was the first thing to go through Jazz's processor when his door alarm sent him a signal indicating that the door was about to be opened. Close on the heels of that thought, as Jazz dove behind the recharge berth next to him, came much cursing at his over-developed sense of pride as Jazz reminded himself just why he hadn't listened to Mirage. In retrospect, claiming, after Mirage came back with classified data found in Soundwave's personal quarters, that he wouldn't be head of special ops if he couldn't out-do every single one of his operatives hadn't been the smartest of ideas. Especially not with the twins around to goad him into following through on that challenging statement.
So now, here he was, on the Nemesis, hiding behind Megatron's recharge berth after having almost been caught going through the Decepticon leader's private files. Despite the fact that Megatron was supposed to have been on the opposite side of the world, there was little doubt as to who had almost caught Jazz. Numerous covert missions had confirmed one thing about the Decepticons: no matter how many tried to betray him, none of them ever went to the Warlord's personal quarters. The last one to do so had been publicly executed by the Decepticon leader. So either Megatron had come back early, or there was a very suicidal Decepticon currently entering the room.
Jazz didn't like the prospects of either, but unfortunately he was rather low on options. There was no way out of the room beyond the door that had just opened. That was probably intentional - Megatron would want to be able to recharge without fear of being assassinated, and with the number of locks that had been on the bedroom door Jazz doubted anything short of a nuclear warhead could get through once Megatron was inside and had them activated. There were also limited places to hide - the room was large, but spartan. A large recharge berth dominated it, with a similarly large chair nearby in front of the computer console. Besides those pieces of furniture, the room was bare.
Even worse, due to the terms of the 'challenge', Jazz had left his blaster behind - the goal had been to sneak in and out without anyone knowing he'd ever been there, after all. Jazz grimaced, CPU whirling as he realized whoever was in the room was heading his way. He'd tried to shrink himself down as far as possible, but something must have shown, because the footsteps suddenly paused, and then came slowly around the bed.
Unarmed fighting tactics flew through his CPU, all failing when presented with Megatron's fusion cannon, and in the end Jazz could only crouch there and watch, with wide optics, as the expected Decepticon leader came into view. They both froze, optics locked on one another. Some part of Jazz's mind noted that Megatron's fusion cannon wasn't actually there anymore, and that the Decepticon leader was holding a cube of energon, but other than that, his CPU mostly consisted of empty space as he tried to come up with a way out of this.
"Uh...'ousekeeping?" Jazz finally said in his best German accent. Megatron, surprisingly, peered down into his cube of energon, then back up to Jazz dubiously. The saboteur held in a somewhat-hysterical giggle as he could see Megatron actually reset his optics. When he apparently didn't disappear from Megatron's vision, the Decepticon leader set down the energon and continued on his path around the recharge berth until it was no longer between him and the saboteur. Jazz stayed still, only moving his head slightly to follow Megatron's movement.
"Just what, pray tell, are you, an Autobot, doing in my private quarters?" Megatron finally asked, blandly, crossing his arms over his chest and giving Jazz a look that seriously reminded the Autobot of Prowl right after he'd caught the twins doing something they shouldn't. Not that he'd ever tell Megatron that. Or Prowl. Or anyone, really, since he was unlikely to survive to tell them, anyways.
"Cleanin'?" Jazz suggested, and following with his theme, pulled a polishing cloth out of his subspace. Megatron had tensed when he'd reached into his subspace, but relaxed, seeming amused, as Jazz came up with the cloth. That, some hacking supplies, a few cubes of energon, and some minor explosives were all that was currently in Jazz's subspace, anyways.
"...carry on then." Jazz stared in shock as Megatron gave him a faintly amused look before heading back around the recharge berth and picking up his energon. Jazz cautiously stood, completely dumbfounded now, as Megatron went to sprawl in the chair in front of his private terminal, activating the screen and beginning to casually scan through the files Jazz had left open. CPU flashing back to Megatron glancing at his energon, Jazz wondered if maybe the Decepticon leader's quarters weren't as sacrosanct as the Autobots had thought. Maybe other Decepticons made a habit of drugging his energon?
Well, whatever the reason, Jazz wasn't about to let the opportunity go to waste, and bolted for the door. It didn't open as he neared, though, and when he tried to palm it open, he found it locked.
"I thought you were cleaning." the bland voice came from the direction of the terminal, and Jazz glanced over. Megatron wasn't even looking at him, but Jazz knew now that the Decepticon leader knew exactly why he was there. The question had just been something to say, to see what Jazz's response would be. Slag.
"Er...right." Jazz hesitated for a moment, then, feeling clever, he began 'cleaning' the door controls. He didn't even get his hacking tools out of subspace before he heard Megatron shift, though, and when he glanced over, he saw the Decepticon giving him a look that clearly promised lots and lots of pain if he proceeded with his plan. Jazz skittered to the side and began rubbing at a spot on the wall instead. Megatron made a noise of approval and returned his attention to the terminal.
While he scrubbed at the spot on the wall, Jazz was trying desperately to stop his CPU from having a meltdown as he tried to figure out just how he'd gone from moments away from death to cleaning Megatron's wall while the Warlord looked over his intelligence-gathering handiwork on his personal computer. Sneaking another glance over at Megatron, Jazz's gaze settled on the energon the Decepticon leader still had, and decided to blame that. Clearly, someone had spiked Megatron's energon. Obviously. And whoever had done so had spiked his as well. It was the perfect explanation.
Jazz chose to ignore the fact that it was entirely impossible as he focused on the spot on the wall, which was almost gone now. When it was finally gone, Jazz stepped back, uncertain of what to do now. It occurred to him that he could probably make an explosive big enough to take out Megatron with what he had in his subspace - the small explosives would be enough to ignite the energon. But then he'd be locked in a room with a dead Megatron and no energon. Not entirely appealing, especially since he knew the twins and Mirage would go to Prowl, maybe even Prime, and explain where he was when he didn't return on time. Being 'rescued' from such a situation was not something Jazz relished. The brig, fine. Megatron's personal quarters? No.
Jazz considered just outright attacking Megatron - in all likelihood, he'd lose, but maybe this strange tableau would end and the Decepticon would just throw him in the brig. Jazz took a step in the silver mech's direction, only to start as Megatron reached up and turned off the terminal before standing, draining the remainder of his energon as he did so. Setting the empty cube on the back of his chair, the Decepticon leader turned to face Jazz. Feeling a little stupid still holding the polishing cloth, Jazz quickly subspaced the scrap of fabric and settled into a wary defensive stance.
"You were quite thorough, weren't you?" Megatron mused, though his gaze was on the wall, and as a testament to how weird this situation had gotten, Jazz honestly couldn't tell if the Decepticon meant the spot on the wall or Jazz's pilfering of information.
"I don't like ta leave jobs half-done." Jazz replied after a beat, figuring that was equally ambiguous.
"Really?" Megatron questioned, tilting his head slightly. "May I ask how you intend to finish this job?" the Decepticon leader motioned from his terminal to the door.
"Like I'd tell you." Jazz replied easily. Megatron looked amused, then abruptly strode forward, his momentum and presence overwhelming and driving Jazz back before the saboteur could think of fighting back. So Jazz found himself sandwiched between Megatron and the wall, the Decepticon leader's arm, the one that usually held his fusion cannon, pressed against Jazz's throat as a restraint.
"I suggest you reconsider that answer." Jazz fought with his CPU over defining that particular tone as a purr, especially since it had come from Megatron.
"Hack the door an' walk out." Jazz tried instead.
"Really now." Megatron said, quirking an optic ridge slightly. "The door is quantum-encrypted with my spark signature." Jazz stared in surprise. So that had been that locking program he hadn't been able to make heads nor tails of.
"Well, I never said that door." Jazz said evasively after a moment. "I was thinkin' the brig."
"That's assuming you ever end up in the brig." Megatron said, a gleam in his optics that Jazz wasn't liking one bit, and the saboteur decided it was time to put up a struggle. He didn't get very far - Megatron was bigger than him, after all, and with the wall behind Jazz, all Megatron had to do was taken a step forward, and suddenly his entire body was holding Jazz in place. "And here I thought you were supposed to be intelligent, Jazz." Megatron said somewhat mockingly. "I'm not going to open that door willingly, and if you kill me, the spark signature needed to open it will no longer exist. You are out of options."
"Ya have ta leave sometime." Jazz retorted.
"I can knock you out easily enough before leaving. And come back with energy binders while you're recovering." the purring tone was back again, only this time, it made Jazz uncomfortably aware of the fact that Megatron was pressed flat against him. The Autobot saboteur promptly informed his CPU to delete that line of thought, because as much as he loved a good interface, this was Megatron - leader of the Decepticons, starter of Cybertron's civil war, killer of thousands of Autobots, Warlord, and exterminator of several organic species.
Jazz's CPU stuttered to a temporary halt as it not only failed to delete that line of thought, but carried it further, using Jazz's panicked reasoning as a jumping off point. And then Jazz's stuttering CPU seemed to decide, of its own free will, that the conclusion that line of thought had come to was actually a decent one, and acted.
Somewhere in his CPU, Jazz's Autobot side screamed out in horror as he found himself jerking his head forward and planting a kiss on the Decepticon leader. The special ops side of Jazz cackled in glee as it registered how Megatron completely froze. Then Jazz came back to himself and realized that perhaps this was a good thing - Megatron's CPU crashing would actually solve his problem entirely. Unfortunately, Megatron was not so obliging, and Jazz realized too late, as he tasted it on the warlord's lip components, that Megatron's odd behaviour wasn't due to drugged energon, or the unexpected situation, but high grade. Rather strong high grade - probably stronger than the stuff Optimus, Prowl, Ratchet, and Ironhide drank when they decided they needed to get plastered and leave Jazz in charge for a few days while they recovered. And he'd had an entire cube.
Then Jazz's logical thought gave way to panic as he realized Megatron was feeling him up. Despite having large hands, the warlord seemed to be quite dexterous, too, getting his fingers into all the little nooks and crannies in Jazz's armor, pushing aside plating to find the sensitive wires underneath. And he was rumbling against Jazz. The Autobot saboteur realized quite suddenly that he needed to get out of there now, and gathered his strength to give an almighty push. Amazingly, Megatron staggered backwards, but managed to grab onto the front of Jazz's armor, and the next thing Jazz knew, he was on top of Megatron on the recharge berth.
"Problem, Autobot?" Megatron purred again, pulling Jazz down until they were face to face. "Because I will remind you that you started this."
"Yeah, well, I didn't know you were overcharged at th'time." Jazz excused himself, trying to pull away, but this time Megatron wasn't so obliging.
"I'm hardly even buzzed." Megatron said dryly.
"Sure y'are." Jazz replied, humouring the Decepticon leader as he tried to pry Megatron's hand off his chassis. Megatron watched with amusement - or Jazz thought the Decepticon had been watching, and then Megatron's other hand was suddenly on Jazz's aft, feeling it up and pulling the saboteur down with a squawk, back into kissing range. Jazz groaned, trying to get free, but finding himself well and truly trapped, especially when Megatron rolled so he was on top. The Decepticon leader drew away, and Jazz found himself pinned under the larger mech. He grimaced, unable to believe the mission was about to go this bad - there went his ability to boast that he could out do Mirage.
Then again, there was every chance that once Megatron was, ahem, 'sated', Jazz would be able to get away. And could any other Autobot boast that they'd not only gotten away with information out of Megatron's personal quarters, but done it while he was there and aware of them? Jazz knew none of them could. So he took a moment and asked himself, seriously, if it was worth it. Did he want to interface with Megatron, the absolute enemy of the Autobots and the murderer of several dozen of his friends, just so he could say he'd gotten away with something no other Autobot had?
Yes. Oh so definitely yes. And Jazz knew every single one of those dead friends would cheer him on if they got the chance, because not only was he getting one up on every other Autobot, but on Megatron and all the Decepticons, as well. Walking out of here with a good interface and the data intact would give him a legendary status. And that - that was something Jazz absolutely could not turn down. Plus, if one believed the rumours that went around before the war, Megatron was fantastic at interfacing. Decided, Jazz looked up to find the Decepticon leader staring down at him with seeming amusement.
"So when will the screaming start?" Megatron asked dryly, and Jazz firmly told himself there wasn't just a hint of resignation in that tone.
"Maybe after ya put those fingers t'good use." Jazz said, doing his best to wiggle provocatively against the Decepticon still holding him down. For the second time that night, Jazz got to see the Decepticon leader stare at him in surprise, and he couldn't help but chuckle. "Or are ya all bark an' no bite?" Something sparked in Megatron's optics, and the grin that followed was positively predatory.
"I'll show you just how much bite I have." he growled, leaning in. Jazz had to fight to stop from flinching away, but ended up glad that he resisted, as Megatron showed him just how pleasant a sensation it was to have denta used in the correct manner on his horns and sensitive neck cables. The saboteur couldn't hold back a moan, causing a rumbling laugh in Megatron's chest. Upon hearing that, Jazz decided that it was time to return the favour - except the Decepticon leader still held his hands, and didn't seem inclined to let go, having far too much fun finding new places to nibble that would make Jazz squirm.
Fortunately Jazz had another weapon that Megatron didn't - his engine. There were some advantages to having an earth vehicle for an alt form, after all. Jazz sent the command to turn on his engine, and was satisfied when Megatron stiffened in surprise at the sudden vibration in Jazz's chest. With how close Megatron had gotten during his nibbling, the vibrations were transferring right into the Decepticon along a good portion of his body. With a little maneuvering, Jazz managed to separate most of the contact between their bodies, though - except for by Megatron's interface port. Megatron growled, and suddenly Jazz's hands were free as the Decepticon leader put his fingers to 'good use'.
Jazz squirmed and gasped, feeling his engine rev out of control as Megatron seemingly hunted down every one of his sensitive spots in a matter of minutes. With his hands free, he started his own exploring, but as the Decepticon leader brought his glossa into play along with his denta and hands, Jazz found concentrating on anything other than hanging on distinctly difficult. Despite this, Jazz was actually surprised when the first warning popped up, and he realized how quickly Megatron was working him up. If the Decepticon kept up this pace, Jazz would go from zero to overload in less than five minutes, and from nothing more than groping.
Megatron seemed to have realized this as well, as the assault from his mouth and hands slowed, and suddenly he was kissing Jazz again - which, despite Jazz's decision to go through with thia, was still rather weird. But then Jazz discovered that all these years, he'd been doing kissing completely wrong, because it had never been anything like this. He moaned into it, reaching up to hold onto the silver mech still hovering above him, trying to pull him closer and deepen the kiss. Jazz was a fast learner, too, and every trick that Megatron used to make that kiss probably one of the best Jazz had ever had, the saboteur turned right back at him, until the Decepticon leader broke away, panting, his optics glowing with lust equal to Jazz's.
Out of the corner of his eye, Jazz saw Megatron reaching for his interface panel, and the Autobot grinned as he realized he'd just been presented with a golden opportunity to show the Decepticon leader what he was good at. Normally, a mech's interface panel didn't pop open on its own without the mech in question being both extremely turned on and emotionally attached to his partner. Jazz had long ago perfected the ability to make it pop without the emotional attachment.
Megatron blinked in surprise as his hand was suddenly brushed away, and before he could recover, Jazz pushed, and suddenly the silver mech was the one sprawled on his back on his overly-large recharge berth. Jazz didn't pay any mind to the Decepticon' surprise, clambering on top of him before beginning his own exploration, mostly involving his mouth and hands. During his exploration, he carefully avoided anywhere near Megatron's interface panel, which seemed to frustrate the Decepticon leader, who kept shifting and growling. Then, when he'd decided Megatron had had enough, Jazz suddenly slid down so that his engine was directly over Megatron's interface panel and revved. The Decepticon leader jerked in surprise, and then Jazz moved, losing all contact with the panel and moving off to the side, exploring the Decepticon leader's stomach and hips.
Megatron growled again, clearly unhappy, but as much as he tried to drag Jazz back there, the saboteur refused to go near it again. Then he slid up to engage Megatron in another kiss, and while the silver mech was distracted, he extended the speakers on his hips and let loose a low sonic barrage that didn't actually have any sound that they could hear, but was certainly felt. Megatron bucked, then growled, and suddenly Jazz found himself under the Decepticon leader again. Damn - he'd forgotten the strength difference. He was used to interfacing with bots his own size, but Megatron was a few heads taller, and more than a bit stronger. Still, he could adapt, and he squirmed to bring himself out of contact with the Decepticon's interface panel again before suddenly sliding down underneath Megatron. The silver mech stared down in surprise, and Jazz grinned before making good use of his own glossa and denta around the edges of Megatron's interface panel.
Then, just as quickly as he'd slid down, Jazz was back up again, carefully avoiding the panel again. Megatron growled, letting his weight fall against Jazz so that there was no way the saboteur could move away. Jazz grinned, causing Megatron to give him a curious look, and then Jazz revved his engine and activated his speakers again. Between that and some insistent wriggling, Megatron apparently experienced a sudden loss of motor control, his limbs seemingly unable to support him - it was a good thing he'd already been mostly resting on top of Jazz. The sudden loss of motor control also allowed Jazz to flip their positions again, and once he was on top again, he slid down again and put his entire attention on Megatron's interface panel, poking and fondling and groping and licking and nibbling to his spark's content. The silver mech positively writhed at the attention, until Jazz, with a satisfied smirk, heard the panel pop open.
Megatron, stilling in surprise, looked down at Jazz, who grinned. But just as he started to edge his fingers in under the panel, he was suddenly hauled upwards, and he found himself under assault from the Decepticon leader's talented hands and mouth again. The sudden assault when he was already so turned on was distracting enough that he didn't even notice when his own interface panel was opened - the warning was buried under the multitude of others flashing through his HUD. Not that he was paying attention to any of the warnings through the haze of pleasure that seemed to have settled in. He became quickly aware of his open interface panel, however, when a connection suddenly flared to life at his port. He shuddered in surprise, and that was all the reaction time he had.
Data poured through the link, and Jazz floundered for a moment with his firewalls, wondering if he should keep them up and dull the experience, or drop them as was expected while interfacing. While he was trying to decide, he felt a heavy nudge against the firewalls, and looked down to see and dangerous glint in Megatron's optics. Jazz let the firewalls drop. As dangerous as it was, he suspected - no, he knew - that he wouldn't be leaving this room with uncorrupted programming if he left them up.
Then thought was gone as the data packets coursed through Jazz's systems, firing off random systems while they swirled around his sensory network. Jazz shuddered and moaned as the sensations suddenly intensified - a single touch from Megatron was like fire, and a nibble was enough to make the saboteur cry out. Somehow, in-between the blistering touches and sensuous nibbles, Jazz eventually had the presence of mind to activate his own interface protocols. He knew he'd made the right choice earlier when he found the Decepticon leader's firewalls entirely down, and for a moment, the dark thought of activating his (illegal) self-termination programming while attached to Megatron, thereby taking him down too, crossed Jazz's CPU.
The Decepticon leader stilled above Jazz, optics narrowing, clearly catching the passing idea, and Jazz let an unpleasant grin cross his face, a reminder to the Decepticon leader of just who he was in the first place. Megatron growled, and then suddenly any pretense at gentleness was gone as the reminder was taken - on both sides. The data packets came over the interface link fast and furious, tearing through Jazz's systems and completely shredding every firewall he had, deactivated or not. Jazz returned the favour as the touches turned harsh, fingers and denta leaving marks as the two of them wrestled on the berth. It was a contest of endurance, as they both delivered as much pain and pleasure as they could without causing serious damage, trying to force the other to overload so they could gain the advantage.
The contest ended as Megatron suddenly cut all data over the interface link for a moment, only to reactivate it again at full force. The jarring shift shattered Jazz's control, and he screamed out his overload. He was vaguely aware of Megatron letting out a shout as well as the Decepticon leader overloaded as well, but it was several long minutes before he was truly conscious of anything. When he realized what he was conscious of, he almost immediately panicked and tried to shove Megatron out of his systems. Megatron laughed and left his casual sorting through Jazz's databanks, letting himself be pushed out.
"I'm just returning the favour." Megatron purred into Jazz's audials, and Jazz gave the Decepticon a suspicious look as he ran several quick diagnostics, trying to find out what the silver mech had seen. He couldn't help being surprised as he realized that the Decepticon hadn't even touched his tactical or ops databanks - he'd apparently been content with poking through Jazz's files on his past interfaces and partners. Megatron smirked at Jazz's confusion, but didn't say anything, instead rolling over so his back was to Jazz and shifting to get comfortable.
"I suggest you get some recharge, because I'm not getting up to open the door until tomorrow morning, when my troops are going to be out crowding the corridors between here and the exit." the silver mech rumbled after a few moments. Jazz just stared at the silver mech's back. Eventually, Megatron snorted, rolled back over, and unexpectedly grabbed Jazz around the waist and hauled him close in what was apparently a snuggle. "Recharge." Megatron growled in Jazz's audio, completely derailing the saboteur's shocked thoughts. Megatron chuckled as Jazz's engine revved, but it was a slow and lazy chuckle, the silver mech clearly having already activated his recharge protocols.
Staring at the Decepticon leader for a moment, then down at the silver arms around his waist, Jazz shook his head. This may have been a spectacular way to one-up Mirage, but slag if it wasn't also the weirdest and most pleasurable mission he had ever been on. Chuckling to himself at the thought of the look on Mirage's faceplate when he got back to the Ark, Jazz activated his recharge protocols.
---
"You are so fragging lying!" the loud exclamation, and curse, from the unexpected source of Mirage brought everyone's attention to the table currently hosting all the special ops mechs in a corner of the rec room. The mechs at said table didn't notice it, but the rest of the rec room fell silent, Sideswipe muting the TV, as they turned their attention to what they'd assumed was just another round of the special ops mechs trying to one-up each other.
"Swear it on mah spark, Raj." Jazz said, grinning widely.
"And what, he just let you leave in the morning, with the intel?" Mirage demanded in disbelief.
"Yep. Even gave me an open invitation t'return th'next time I felt like snoopin' in his...'files'." Jazz said, drawling out the last word suggestively. Mirage narrowed his optics.
"I don't believe you." he said.
"You can go ask Ratch 'bout the dents and paint scratches he had to get rid of when I came back if y'want." Jazz drawled.
"What in Primus' name are you talking about?" Sideswipe asked curiously, and everyone in the rec room was treated to the rare occurrence of having all the special ops mechs start in surprise as they just then realized they were the centers of attention.
"Oh, nothin' much, I just managed t'out-do Raj in a way no one can ever top." Jazz said with a smirk.
"You did not, you are blowing that story out your aft." Mirage countered.
"Awww, y'just can't admit that anythin' you can do, I can do better, an' have more fun while doin' it." Jazz answered. Mirage growled in annoyance, and Hound took the opportunity to wander over, resting his hand on the spy's tense shoulders.
"Mirage...he is the Jazz-man. I suggest ya let it go." Hound said with a shake of his head.
"But there's no possible way -" Mirage spluttered.
"Mirage, where there's Jazz, there's a way. For anything." Bumblebee spoke up, seemingly choking back laughter as he spoke. "Especially anything so spectacular that it's almost impossible to believe." Mirage's optics flashed, and he seemed ready to argue against that point, but was interrupted as the rec room doors slid open. Prowl barely twitched as he suddenly found himself the center of attention for the rec room, scanning the mechs present quickly before heading straight for Jazz.
"Jazz. Would you care to explain why Laserbeak just dropped this off? Before Red Alert stops fritzing and comes to stick you in the brig?" Prowl asked, then unexpectedly produced a large bouquet of flowers from his subspace. The silver ribbon tying the flowers together had a card attached to it boldly stating "Next time bring Prowl - M".
Mirage let out a strangled noise and promptly crashed, while many of the special ops mechs, having not actually believed the third-in-command's tale no matter what they'd said, gaped. Jazz snorted with laughter, suddenly realizing why Megatron had been poking through those specific databanks after their overloads. Grinning up at Prowl as innocently as possible, Jazz plotted how to get the two mechs at the top of his 'Best Interfaces Ever' list in a room with him, and ready and willing to interface.
- THE END -
Not ENTIRELY pleased with this piece, but barring another six month delay and a complete rewrite, this is as good as it's gonna get, lol.
Title: The Number One Reason To Never Listen To Mirage
Rating: M
Warnings: Plug-n-play smut
Setting: G1
Pairings/Characters: Jazz/Megatron, Mirage, Prowl
Summary: The Jazz-man can do anything. Period.
---
I should have listened to Mirage, was the first thing to go through Jazz's processor when his door alarm sent him a signal indicating that the door was about to be opened. Close on the heels of that thought, as Jazz dove behind the recharge berth next to him, came much cursing at his over-developed sense of pride as Jazz reminded himself just why he hadn't listened to Mirage. In retrospect, claiming, after Mirage came back with classified data found in Soundwave's personal quarters, that he wouldn't be head of special ops if he couldn't out-do every single one of his operatives hadn't been the smartest of ideas. Especially not with the twins around to goad him into following through on that challenging statement.
So now, here he was, on the Nemesis, hiding behind Megatron's recharge berth after having almost been caught going through the Decepticon leader's private files. Despite the fact that Megatron was supposed to have been on the opposite side of the world, there was little doubt as to who had almost caught Jazz. Numerous covert missions had confirmed one thing about the Decepticons: no matter how many tried to betray him, none of them ever went to the Warlord's personal quarters. The last one to do so had been publicly executed by the Decepticon leader. So either Megatron had come back early, or there was a very suicidal Decepticon currently entering the room.
Jazz didn't like the prospects of either, but unfortunately he was rather low on options. There was no way out of the room beyond the door that had just opened. That was probably intentional - Megatron would want to be able to recharge without fear of being assassinated, and with the number of locks that had been on the bedroom door Jazz doubted anything short of a nuclear warhead could get through once Megatron was inside and had them activated. There were also limited places to hide - the room was large, but spartan. A large recharge berth dominated it, with a similarly large chair nearby in front of the computer console. Besides those pieces of furniture, the room was bare.
Even worse, due to the terms of the 'challenge', Jazz had left his blaster behind - the goal had been to sneak in and out without anyone knowing he'd ever been there, after all. Jazz grimaced, CPU whirling as he realized whoever was in the room was heading his way. He'd tried to shrink himself down as far as possible, but something must have shown, because the footsteps suddenly paused, and then came slowly around the bed.
Unarmed fighting tactics flew through his CPU, all failing when presented with Megatron's fusion cannon, and in the end Jazz could only crouch there and watch, with wide optics, as the expected Decepticon leader came into view. They both froze, optics locked on one another. Some part of Jazz's mind noted that Megatron's fusion cannon wasn't actually there anymore, and that the Decepticon leader was holding a cube of energon, but other than that, his CPU mostly consisted of empty space as he tried to come up with a way out of this.
"Uh...'ousekeeping?" Jazz finally said in his best German accent. Megatron, surprisingly, peered down into his cube of energon, then back up to Jazz dubiously. The saboteur held in a somewhat-hysterical giggle as he could see Megatron actually reset his optics. When he apparently didn't disappear from Megatron's vision, the Decepticon leader set down the energon and continued on his path around the recharge berth until it was no longer between him and the saboteur. Jazz stayed still, only moving his head slightly to follow Megatron's movement.
"Just what, pray tell, are you, an Autobot, doing in my private quarters?" Megatron finally asked, blandly, crossing his arms over his chest and giving Jazz a look that seriously reminded the Autobot of Prowl right after he'd caught the twins doing something they shouldn't. Not that he'd ever tell Megatron that. Or Prowl. Or anyone, really, since he was unlikely to survive to tell them, anyways.
"Cleanin'?" Jazz suggested, and following with his theme, pulled a polishing cloth out of his subspace. Megatron had tensed when he'd reached into his subspace, but relaxed, seeming amused, as Jazz came up with the cloth. That, some hacking supplies, a few cubes of energon, and some minor explosives were all that was currently in Jazz's subspace, anyways.
"...carry on then." Jazz stared in shock as Megatron gave him a faintly amused look before heading back around the recharge berth and picking up his energon. Jazz cautiously stood, completely dumbfounded now, as Megatron went to sprawl in the chair in front of his private terminal, activating the screen and beginning to casually scan through the files Jazz had left open. CPU flashing back to Megatron glancing at his energon, Jazz wondered if maybe the Decepticon leader's quarters weren't as sacrosanct as the Autobots had thought. Maybe other Decepticons made a habit of drugging his energon?
Well, whatever the reason, Jazz wasn't about to let the opportunity go to waste, and bolted for the door. It didn't open as he neared, though, and when he tried to palm it open, he found it locked.
"I thought you were cleaning." the bland voice came from the direction of the terminal, and Jazz glanced over. Megatron wasn't even looking at him, but Jazz knew now that the Decepticon leader knew exactly why he was there. The question had just been something to say, to see what Jazz's response would be. Slag.
"Er...right." Jazz hesitated for a moment, then, feeling clever, he began 'cleaning' the door controls. He didn't even get his hacking tools out of subspace before he heard Megatron shift, though, and when he glanced over, he saw the Decepticon giving him a look that clearly promised lots and lots of pain if he proceeded with his plan. Jazz skittered to the side and began rubbing at a spot on the wall instead. Megatron made a noise of approval and returned his attention to the terminal.
While he scrubbed at the spot on the wall, Jazz was trying desperately to stop his CPU from having a meltdown as he tried to figure out just how he'd gone from moments away from death to cleaning Megatron's wall while the Warlord looked over his intelligence-gathering handiwork on his personal computer. Sneaking another glance over at Megatron, Jazz's gaze settled on the energon the Decepticon leader still had, and decided to blame that. Clearly, someone had spiked Megatron's energon. Obviously. And whoever had done so had spiked his as well. It was the perfect explanation.
Jazz chose to ignore the fact that it was entirely impossible as he focused on the spot on the wall, which was almost gone now. When it was finally gone, Jazz stepped back, uncertain of what to do now. It occurred to him that he could probably make an explosive big enough to take out Megatron with what he had in his subspace - the small explosives would be enough to ignite the energon. But then he'd be locked in a room with a dead Megatron and no energon. Not entirely appealing, especially since he knew the twins and Mirage would go to Prowl, maybe even Prime, and explain where he was when he didn't return on time. Being 'rescued' from such a situation was not something Jazz relished. The brig, fine. Megatron's personal quarters? No.
Jazz considered just outright attacking Megatron - in all likelihood, he'd lose, but maybe this strange tableau would end and the Decepticon would just throw him in the brig. Jazz took a step in the silver mech's direction, only to start as Megatron reached up and turned off the terminal before standing, draining the remainder of his energon as he did so. Setting the empty cube on the back of his chair, the Decepticon leader turned to face Jazz. Feeling a little stupid still holding the polishing cloth, Jazz quickly subspaced the scrap of fabric and settled into a wary defensive stance.
"You were quite thorough, weren't you?" Megatron mused, though his gaze was on the wall, and as a testament to how weird this situation had gotten, Jazz honestly couldn't tell if the Decepticon meant the spot on the wall or Jazz's pilfering of information.
"I don't like ta leave jobs half-done." Jazz replied after a beat, figuring that was equally ambiguous.
"Really?" Megatron questioned, tilting his head slightly. "May I ask how you intend to finish this job?" the Decepticon leader motioned from his terminal to the door.
"Like I'd tell you." Jazz replied easily. Megatron looked amused, then abruptly strode forward, his momentum and presence overwhelming and driving Jazz back before the saboteur could think of fighting back. So Jazz found himself sandwiched between Megatron and the wall, the Decepticon leader's arm, the one that usually held his fusion cannon, pressed against Jazz's throat as a restraint.
"I suggest you reconsider that answer." Jazz fought with his CPU over defining that particular tone as a purr, especially since it had come from Megatron.
"Hack the door an' walk out." Jazz tried instead.
"Really now." Megatron said, quirking an optic ridge slightly. "The door is quantum-encrypted with my spark signature." Jazz stared in surprise. So that had been that locking program he hadn't been able to make heads nor tails of.
"Well, I never said that door." Jazz said evasively after a moment. "I was thinkin' the brig."
"That's assuming you ever end up in the brig." Megatron said, a gleam in his optics that Jazz wasn't liking one bit, and the saboteur decided it was time to put up a struggle. He didn't get very far - Megatron was bigger than him, after all, and with the wall behind Jazz, all Megatron had to do was taken a step forward, and suddenly his entire body was holding Jazz in place. "And here I thought you were supposed to be intelligent, Jazz." Megatron said somewhat mockingly. "I'm not going to open that door willingly, and if you kill me, the spark signature needed to open it will no longer exist. You are out of options."
"Ya have ta leave sometime." Jazz retorted.
"I can knock you out easily enough before leaving. And come back with energy binders while you're recovering." the purring tone was back again, only this time, it made Jazz uncomfortably aware of the fact that Megatron was pressed flat against him. The Autobot saboteur promptly informed his CPU to delete that line of thought, because as much as he loved a good interface, this was Megatron - leader of the Decepticons, starter of Cybertron's civil war, killer of thousands of Autobots, Warlord, and exterminator of several organic species.
Jazz's CPU stuttered to a temporary halt as it not only failed to delete that line of thought, but carried it further, using Jazz's panicked reasoning as a jumping off point. And then Jazz's stuttering CPU seemed to decide, of its own free will, that the conclusion that line of thought had come to was actually a decent one, and acted.
Somewhere in his CPU, Jazz's Autobot side screamed out in horror as he found himself jerking his head forward and planting a kiss on the Decepticon leader. The special ops side of Jazz cackled in glee as it registered how Megatron completely froze. Then Jazz came back to himself and realized that perhaps this was a good thing - Megatron's CPU crashing would actually solve his problem entirely. Unfortunately, Megatron was not so obliging, and Jazz realized too late, as he tasted it on the warlord's lip components, that Megatron's odd behaviour wasn't due to drugged energon, or the unexpected situation, but high grade. Rather strong high grade - probably stronger than the stuff Optimus, Prowl, Ratchet, and Ironhide drank when they decided they needed to get plastered and leave Jazz in charge for a few days while they recovered. And he'd had an entire cube.
Then Jazz's logical thought gave way to panic as he realized Megatron was feeling him up. Despite having large hands, the warlord seemed to be quite dexterous, too, getting his fingers into all the little nooks and crannies in Jazz's armor, pushing aside plating to find the sensitive wires underneath. And he was rumbling against Jazz. The Autobot saboteur realized quite suddenly that he needed to get out of there now, and gathered his strength to give an almighty push. Amazingly, Megatron staggered backwards, but managed to grab onto the front of Jazz's armor, and the next thing Jazz knew, he was on top of Megatron on the recharge berth.
"Problem, Autobot?" Megatron purred again, pulling Jazz down until they were face to face. "Because I will remind you that you started this."
"Yeah, well, I didn't know you were overcharged at th'time." Jazz excused himself, trying to pull away, but this time Megatron wasn't so obliging.
"I'm hardly even buzzed." Megatron said dryly.
"Sure y'are." Jazz replied, humouring the Decepticon leader as he tried to pry Megatron's hand off his chassis. Megatron watched with amusement - or Jazz thought the Decepticon had been watching, and then Megatron's other hand was suddenly on Jazz's aft, feeling it up and pulling the saboteur down with a squawk, back into kissing range. Jazz groaned, trying to get free, but finding himself well and truly trapped, especially when Megatron rolled so he was on top. The Decepticon leader drew away, and Jazz found himself pinned under the larger mech. He grimaced, unable to believe the mission was about to go this bad - there went his ability to boast that he could out do Mirage.
Then again, there was every chance that once Megatron was, ahem, 'sated', Jazz would be able to get away. And could any other Autobot boast that they'd not only gotten away with information out of Megatron's personal quarters, but done it while he was there and aware of them? Jazz knew none of them could. So he took a moment and asked himself, seriously, if it was worth it. Did he want to interface with Megatron, the absolute enemy of the Autobots and the murderer of several dozen of his friends, just so he could say he'd gotten away with something no other Autobot had?
Yes. Oh so definitely yes. And Jazz knew every single one of those dead friends would cheer him on if they got the chance, because not only was he getting one up on every other Autobot, but on Megatron and all the Decepticons, as well. Walking out of here with a good interface and the data intact would give him a legendary status. And that - that was something Jazz absolutely could not turn down. Plus, if one believed the rumours that went around before the war, Megatron was fantastic at interfacing. Decided, Jazz looked up to find the Decepticon leader staring down at him with seeming amusement.
"So when will the screaming start?" Megatron asked dryly, and Jazz firmly told himself there wasn't just a hint of resignation in that tone.
"Maybe after ya put those fingers t'good use." Jazz said, doing his best to wiggle provocatively against the Decepticon still holding him down. For the second time that night, Jazz got to see the Decepticon leader stare at him in surprise, and he couldn't help but chuckle. "Or are ya all bark an' no bite?" Something sparked in Megatron's optics, and the grin that followed was positively predatory.
"I'll show you just how much bite I have." he growled, leaning in. Jazz had to fight to stop from flinching away, but ended up glad that he resisted, as Megatron showed him just how pleasant a sensation it was to have denta used in the correct manner on his horns and sensitive neck cables. The saboteur couldn't hold back a moan, causing a rumbling laugh in Megatron's chest. Upon hearing that, Jazz decided that it was time to return the favour - except the Decepticon leader still held his hands, and didn't seem inclined to let go, having far too much fun finding new places to nibble that would make Jazz squirm.
Fortunately Jazz had another weapon that Megatron didn't - his engine. There were some advantages to having an earth vehicle for an alt form, after all. Jazz sent the command to turn on his engine, and was satisfied when Megatron stiffened in surprise at the sudden vibration in Jazz's chest. With how close Megatron had gotten during his nibbling, the vibrations were transferring right into the Decepticon along a good portion of his body. With a little maneuvering, Jazz managed to separate most of the contact between their bodies, though - except for by Megatron's interface port. Megatron growled, and suddenly Jazz's hands were free as the Decepticon leader put his fingers to 'good use'.
Jazz squirmed and gasped, feeling his engine rev out of control as Megatron seemingly hunted down every one of his sensitive spots in a matter of minutes. With his hands free, he started his own exploring, but as the Decepticon leader brought his glossa into play along with his denta and hands, Jazz found concentrating on anything other than hanging on distinctly difficult. Despite this, Jazz was actually surprised when the first warning popped up, and he realized how quickly Megatron was working him up. If the Decepticon kept up this pace, Jazz would go from zero to overload in less than five minutes, and from nothing more than groping.
Megatron seemed to have realized this as well, as the assault from his mouth and hands slowed, and suddenly he was kissing Jazz again - which, despite Jazz's decision to go through with thia, was still rather weird. But then Jazz discovered that all these years, he'd been doing kissing completely wrong, because it had never been anything like this. He moaned into it, reaching up to hold onto the silver mech still hovering above him, trying to pull him closer and deepen the kiss. Jazz was a fast learner, too, and every trick that Megatron used to make that kiss probably one of the best Jazz had ever had, the saboteur turned right back at him, until the Decepticon leader broke away, panting, his optics glowing with lust equal to Jazz's.
Out of the corner of his eye, Jazz saw Megatron reaching for his interface panel, and the Autobot grinned as he realized he'd just been presented with a golden opportunity to show the Decepticon leader what he was good at. Normally, a mech's interface panel didn't pop open on its own without the mech in question being both extremely turned on and emotionally attached to his partner. Jazz had long ago perfected the ability to make it pop without the emotional attachment.
Megatron blinked in surprise as his hand was suddenly brushed away, and before he could recover, Jazz pushed, and suddenly the silver mech was the one sprawled on his back on his overly-large recharge berth. Jazz didn't pay any mind to the Decepticon' surprise, clambering on top of him before beginning his own exploration, mostly involving his mouth and hands. During his exploration, he carefully avoided anywhere near Megatron's interface panel, which seemed to frustrate the Decepticon leader, who kept shifting and growling. Then, when he'd decided Megatron had had enough, Jazz suddenly slid down so that his engine was directly over Megatron's interface panel and revved. The Decepticon leader jerked in surprise, and then Jazz moved, losing all contact with the panel and moving off to the side, exploring the Decepticon leader's stomach and hips.
Megatron growled again, clearly unhappy, but as much as he tried to drag Jazz back there, the saboteur refused to go near it again. Then he slid up to engage Megatron in another kiss, and while the silver mech was distracted, he extended the speakers on his hips and let loose a low sonic barrage that didn't actually have any sound that they could hear, but was certainly felt. Megatron bucked, then growled, and suddenly Jazz found himself under the Decepticon leader again. Damn - he'd forgotten the strength difference. He was used to interfacing with bots his own size, but Megatron was a few heads taller, and more than a bit stronger. Still, he could adapt, and he squirmed to bring himself out of contact with the Decepticon's interface panel again before suddenly sliding down underneath Megatron. The silver mech stared down in surprise, and Jazz grinned before making good use of his own glossa and denta around the edges of Megatron's interface panel.
Then, just as quickly as he'd slid down, Jazz was back up again, carefully avoiding the panel again. Megatron growled, letting his weight fall against Jazz so that there was no way the saboteur could move away. Jazz grinned, causing Megatron to give him a curious look, and then Jazz revved his engine and activated his speakers again. Between that and some insistent wriggling, Megatron apparently experienced a sudden loss of motor control, his limbs seemingly unable to support him - it was a good thing he'd already been mostly resting on top of Jazz. The sudden loss of motor control also allowed Jazz to flip their positions again, and once he was on top again, he slid down again and put his entire attention on Megatron's interface panel, poking and fondling and groping and licking and nibbling to his spark's content. The silver mech positively writhed at the attention, until Jazz, with a satisfied smirk, heard the panel pop open.
Megatron, stilling in surprise, looked down at Jazz, who grinned. But just as he started to edge his fingers in under the panel, he was suddenly hauled upwards, and he found himself under assault from the Decepticon leader's talented hands and mouth again. The sudden assault when he was already so turned on was distracting enough that he didn't even notice when his own interface panel was opened - the warning was buried under the multitude of others flashing through his HUD. Not that he was paying attention to any of the warnings through the haze of pleasure that seemed to have settled in. He became quickly aware of his open interface panel, however, when a connection suddenly flared to life at his port. He shuddered in surprise, and that was all the reaction time he had.
Data poured through the link, and Jazz floundered for a moment with his firewalls, wondering if he should keep them up and dull the experience, or drop them as was expected while interfacing. While he was trying to decide, he felt a heavy nudge against the firewalls, and looked down to see and dangerous glint in Megatron's optics. Jazz let the firewalls drop. As dangerous as it was, he suspected - no, he knew - that he wouldn't be leaving this room with uncorrupted programming if he left them up.
Then thought was gone as the data packets coursed through Jazz's systems, firing off random systems while they swirled around his sensory network. Jazz shuddered and moaned as the sensations suddenly intensified - a single touch from Megatron was like fire, and a nibble was enough to make the saboteur cry out. Somehow, in-between the blistering touches and sensuous nibbles, Jazz eventually had the presence of mind to activate his own interface protocols. He knew he'd made the right choice earlier when he found the Decepticon leader's firewalls entirely down, and for a moment, the dark thought of activating his (illegal) self-termination programming while attached to Megatron, thereby taking him down too, crossed Jazz's CPU.
The Decepticon leader stilled above Jazz, optics narrowing, clearly catching the passing idea, and Jazz let an unpleasant grin cross his face, a reminder to the Decepticon leader of just who he was in the first place. Megatron growled, and then suddenly any pretense at gentleness was gone as the reminder was taken - on both sides. The data packets came over the interface link fast and furious, tearing through Jazz's systems and completely shredding every firewall he had, deactivated or not. Jazz returned the favour as the touches turned harsh, fingers and denta leaving marks as the two of them wrestled on the berth. It was a contest of endurance, as they both delivered as much pain and pleasure as they could without causing serious damage, trying to force the other to overload so they could gain the advantage.
The contest ended as Megatron suddenly cut all data over the interface link for a moment, only to reactivate it again at full force. The jarring shift shattered Jazz's control, and he screamed out his overload. He was vaguely aware of Megatron letting out a shout as well as the Decepticon leader overloaded as well, but it was several long minutes before he was truly conscious of anything. When he realized what he was conscious of, he almost immediately panicked and tried to shove Megatron out of his systems. Megatron laughed and left his casual sorting through Jazz's databanks, letting himself be pushed out.
"I'm just returning the favour." Megatron purred into Jazz's audials, and Jazz gave the Decepticon a suspicious look as he ran several quick diagnostics, trying to find out what the silver mech had seen. He couldn't help being surprised as he realized that the Decepticon hadn't even touched his tactical or ops databanks - he'd apparently been content with poking through Jazz's files on his past interfaces and partners. Megatron smirked at Jazz's confusion, but didn't say anything, instead rolling over so his back was to Jazz and shifting to get comfortable.
"I suggest you get some recharge, because I'm not getting up to open the door until tomorrow morning, when my troops are going to be out crowding the corridors between here and the exit." the silver mech rumbled after a few moments. Jazz just stared at the silver mech's back. Eventually, Megatron snorted, rolled back over, and unexpectedly grabbed Jazz around the waist and hauled him close in what was apparently a snuggle. "Recharge." Megatron growled in Jazz's audio, completely derailing the saboteur's shocked thoughts. Megatron chuckled as Jazz's engine revved, but it was a slow and lazy chuckle, the silver mech clearly having already activated his recharge protocols.
Staring at the Decepticon leader for a moment, then down at the silver arms around his waist, Jazz shook his head. This may have been a spectacular way to one-up Mirage, but slag if it wasn't also the weirdest and most pleasurable mission he had ever been on. Chuckling to himself at the thought of the look on Mirage's faceplate when he got back to the Ark, Jazz activated his recharge protocols.
---
"You are so fragging lying!" the loud exclamation, and curse, from the unexpected source of Mirage brought everyone's attention to the table currently hosting all the special ops mechs in a corner of the rec room. The mechs at said table didn't notice it, but the rest of the rec room fell silent, Sideswipe muting the TV, as they turned their attention to what they'd assumed was just another round of the special ops mechs trying to one-up each other.
"Swear it on mah spark, Raj." Jazz said, grinning widely.
"And what, he just let you leave in the morning, with the intel?" Mirage demanded in disbelief.
"Yep. Even gave me an open invitation t'return th'next time I felt like snoopin' in his...'files'." Jazz said, drawling out the last word suggestively. Mirage narrowed his optics.
"I don't believe you." he said.
"You can go ask Ratch 'bout the dents and paint scratches he had to get rid of when I came back if y'want." Jazz drawled.
"What in Primus' name are you talking about?" Sideswipe asked curiously, and everyone in the rec room was treated to the rare occurrence of having all the special ops mechs start in surprise as they just then realized they were the centers of attention.
"Oh, nothin' much, I just managed t'out-do Raj in a way no one can ever top." Jazz said with a smirk.
"You did not, you are blowing that story out your aft." Mirage countered.
"Awww, y'just can't admit that anythin' you can do, I can do better, an' have more fun while doin' it." Jazz answered. Mirage growled in annoyance, and Hound took the opportunity to wander over, resting his hand on the spy's tense shoulders.
"Mirage...he is the Jazz-man. I suggest ya let it go." Hound said with a shake of his head.
"But there's no possible way -" Mirage spluttered.
"Mirage, where there's Jazz, there's a way. For anything." Bumblebee spoke up, seemingly choking back laughter as he spoke. "Especially anything so spectacular that it's almost impossible to believe." Mirage's optics flashed, and he seemed ready to argue against that point, but was interrupted as the rec room doors slid open. Prowl barely twitched as he suddenly found himself the center of attention for the rec room, scanning the mechs present quickly before heading straight for Jazz.
"Jazz. Would you care to explain why Laserbeak just dropped this off? Before Red Alert stops fritzing and comes to stick you in the brig?" Prowl asked, then unexpectedly produced a large bouquet of flowers from his subspace. The silver ribbon tying the flowers together had a card attached to it boldly stating "Next time bring Prowl - M".
Mirage let out a strangled noise and promptly crashed, while many of the special ops mechs, having not actually believed the third-in-command's tale no matter what they'd said, gaped. Jazz snorted with laughter, suddenly realizing why Megatron had been poking through those specific databanks after their overloads. Grinning up at Prowl as innocently as possible, Jazz plotted how to get the two mechs at the top of his 'Best Interfaces Ever' list in a room with him, and ready and willing to interface.
- THE END -
Not ENTIRELY pleased with this piece, but barring another six month delay and a complete rewrite, this is as good as it's gonna get, lol.