confusion of 2008
I was just looking back, which is so easy to do. Its the coming back that is hard. Comparing what has happened to what is happening. I honestly felt so much happier when I was depressed. Which sounds so odd I suppose. I can't even wrap my head around why that is at the moment. Jesse would probably say I'm nuts. I guess its just that within that pain there was always moments to come out of where you felt joy again, moments of pure happiness. It was all real emotion whether it was saddness or happiness. Sometimes I wonder how I even got through that year? In my mind it was horrible, but when I go back I see something almost beautiful. That struggle was such an inspiring thing I miss it. I miss the moments out of all the emotion of pure clarity. In fact it is only in those moments of crazyness where I am able to find that clarity. Have I taken the right path? Is it even a matter of sense or just a need to move forward. If I had continued on the path I was going would I be happier? What is it that made me change? Fall out of the world I was in? I feel as though my life has been sucked of its inspiration. Maybe thats why I want to work with kids. To gain that inner innocence we all had. Its those little surprises that can inspire you to look at the world in another light. Are we two different people of two different worlds? God? Where am I? There was a sign on the subway the other day. It was something like your ideas could have endless possibilities. I guess I kept thinking about all the things I think about and feel silly sharing with my other. Like he won't get it wont' really care. Wont see. Honestly he probably feels that way about me most of the time. When he asks me to do this or that concerning gaming I dunno everytime I think of it I'm stressed. Is that horrible/? Is that normal? God I wish in a way I didn't become so rational I wish I could have those moments of clarity. Who cares where he is what he's doing now. Who cares? me? Its tearing at me. Is it him? Does he talk about me with his new other? Who am I to you? can my childhood still exist? Are these all stupid questions? How are we supposed to survive without a certain amount of communication? Me and you co-exist? now. Where are you? Should we have taken that step? Part of me doesn't know what to say. Part of me never knows what to say. Part of me wonders how to know you are there.Part of me wants to be me. Its going to be a tough sleep. Guess Ill have to whip out that science material. Im listening to this song called "Thicker than Water" water is so diverse can be thin or thick