(no subject)

[ciaocricket]

i starred down the stairs for a long time today. I felt like a ragdoll at the top. Its pouring out today. I must have had hundreds of dreams last night. Each one a little more unsettling than the last. No matter what they always seem to be there to criticize to scold. There's no way out of this. Each minor problem seems to be such a major one. How can you scold at someone's attitude when it is the result of the way they are being treated. Where were you last night? Where are you now? You know if you had your own place you would have to do these things. Before she even calls I am already guilty. Even though i am more innocent than most. HOw do i get out of this? Please make it stop. Make it GO AWAY! GO AWAY! GO AWAY! I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to feel like such a loser. I don't want the urge to burn my diploma once it comes in. I dont want the urge to shoot them in the faces. I don't want the urge to fall down a flight of stairs and think that no one will see or skip a beat. I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to know that my whole past has given up on me. I don't want to grow bitter and take it out on the people who are my truth my support my backbone. I don't want to be manipulated any more!!! I don't want to have to manipulate to get out of it! I don't want to be here. I just want home again.... I want real hugs and real contact. Real words and real thoughts. Real concern and listening. Real PURE the truth. I can't let myself believe that this is really the truth. That all the rest was just a game. that this is the real world. I don't want to debate holding on. I dont' want every action to be judged or thrown under the rug depending on the outcome.

I just want to be me.... i want stop crying I want to stop feeling restrained