(no subject)
i don't know.
i feel really blank, recently. there isn't any other way to describe it for me. i'm angry all the time, for some reason. i'm disproportionately sick about things that don't matter that much. i'm excited for france, but at the same time, not at all. i'm really worried about it. about not being a good enough speaker and about staying a vegetarian in a house full of carnivores who i desperately do not want to offend. and what if i'm miserable? and what if i hate them? and i can't come home and watch degrassi with my mom.
also, there's this other thing. i just feel like i've run out of me. like i used to be this vibrant person who really cared about things, about everything i did. and now i don't have one thing like that. now, i'm looking and looking and not finding anything. i haven't acted all year, so this one act feels really weird. and i don't have a passion, or even really a like at all, for directing and certainly not for stage managing. choreographing... i don't know. i literally pulled things out of thin air for that, and was lucky enough to have some fantastically malleable actors come through for me.
and that makes me think too. like, what happened to dance for me? it's completely gone from my life. and it used to be a huge part. like, the defining part. and i miss that. it's not that i'm not the same person i was when i danced a lot. it's just like there's a piece of me that's missing. and swimming too. i haven't been in a pool since the summer and i haven't done a workout since god knows when. i hated swimming sometimes, but i also loved it so fucking much too. that's passion. swimming and i had a passionate affair. and i guess that's what happens to affairs: they end. life goes on. you go on. but i'm not going on, and i think that's the problem.
i feel stuck and lost and frustrated and empty. i miss being on a team. i miss having people count on you, and team dinners, and being ridiculously, and working so hard you think you might die, and really really caring about something. caring about it as much as you care about yourself. and i'm worried that i made the wrong choice. like i'm clearly not built to be an actress or a dancer. i'm built to hit things hard, and to be intimidating and that's the lineage i come from too. and i'm just scared that i chose wrong. that i took a leap of faith, because i really loved doing this one thing, but it was the wrong choice and i should have stuck with sports, since i was just starting to really become an athlete.
i don't know. it's too late now, pretty much, to jump back into athletics. but i just can't help feeling sometimes like i chose wrong, and like i'm just not cut out to do what i really thought i wanted to do.
it's hard. i just feel like half the person i used to be because i'm lacking the vivacity and the passion in my life right now, for truly anything. so i guess i'll keep looking, but i'm just worried that i passed it up a long time ago, and you sometimes only get one shot.
i feel really blank, recently. there isn't any other way to describe it for me. i'm angry all the time, for some reason. i'm disproportionately sick about things that don't matter that much. i'm excited for france, but at the same time, not at all. i'm really worried about it. about not being a good enough speaker and about staying a vegetarian in a house full of carnivores who i desperately do not want to offend. and what if i'm miserable? and what if i hate them? and i can't come home and watch degrassi with my mom.
also, there's this other thing. i just feel like i've run out of me. like i used to be this vibrant person who really cared about things, about everything i did. and now i don't have one thing like that. now, i'm looking and looking and not finding anything. i haven't acted all year, so this one act feels really weird. and i don't have a passion, or even really a like at all, for directing and certainly not for stage managing. choreographing... i don't know. i literally pulled things out of thin air for that, and was lucky enough to have some fantastically malleable actors come through for me.
and that makes me think too. like, what happened to dance for me? it's completely gone from my life. and it used to be a huge part. like, the defining part. and i miss that. it's not that i'm not the same person i was when i danced a lot. it's just like there's a piece of me that's missing. and swimming too. i haven't been in a pool since the summer and i haven't done a workout since god knows when. i hated swimming sometimes, but i also loved it so fucking much too. that's passion. swimming and i had a passionate affair. and i guess that's what happens to affairs: they end. life goes on. you go on. but i'm not going on, and i think that's the problem.
i feel stuck and lost and frustrated and empty. i miss being on a team. i miss having people count on you, and team dinners, and being ridiculously, and working so hard you think you might die, and really really caring about something. caring about it as much as you care about yourself. and i'm worried that i made the wrong choice. like i'm clearly not built to be an actress or a dancer. i'm built to hit things hard, and to be intimidating and that's the lineage i come from too. and i'm just scared that i chose wrong. that i took a leap of faith, because i really loved doing this one thing, but it was the wrong choice and i should have stuck with sports, since i was just starting to really become an athlete.
i don't know. it's too late now, pretty much, to jump back into athletics. but i just can't help feeling sometimes like i chose wrong, and like i'm just not cut out to do what i really thought i wanted to do.
it's hard. i just feel like half the person i used to be because i'm lacking the vivacity and the passion in my life right now, for truly anything. so i guess i'll keep looking, but i'm just worried that i passed it up a long time ago, and you sometimes only get one shot.