pickle slurpee
yesterday was the kentucky derby and i didn't even realize it.
the thing is, the kentucky derby used to be a big event in my family. my grandfather would send us money, and we would cut the horse's names and stats out of the paper and put them in a hat, then draw names. if one of your horses came in first, you got fifty dollars prize money, and thirty for second, and twenty for third, and twenty or ten for last. so everyone would choose their horses and we would all watch the race together and it was so much samkofamilyfun. almost four years ago my grandfather died, and we kept on doing it anyway. my mother did it as a kid, even. and so it was her way of remembering him, i think, and her mother and her brother, who all died when she was younger. last year was the first year we all didn't watch together, because tracey was in australia, but we picked horses for her, and it was ok. this year though i didn't even know that the race was happening. so i didn't go home, and i didn't even watch it.
i called my mother and i was checking away messages and someone's said "kentucky derby." and i said, "mommy, was it the kentucky derby today?" and it was, and she said she and mike watched it together and they each picked one horse and neither of them won. it was the saddest thing for me, to have missed it. tracey's graduating and i'm basically done with freshman year and petey took his sats on saturday and we're all so old, and i thought about my mother and how she's still in pain and the surgery didn't work, and i thought about my littlest brother and how soon he'll be there all by himself, when pete goes away. and how they watched it together and no one even called to see how it went, and how pete wasn't even there, and how my mother must have been so sad to think about her father and not even have this tribute to him.
and the more i thought about it, the sadder i got, and it was my second to last night at tufts, and i was packing and it's terrible. because i miss so much at home when i'm here and so much here when i'm at home. and all i could think about was my mother and leaving. we went out and i took it easier than usual with the drinking because of all the sadness and the hard times of the past few weeks. i wound up at a theater party and i was really awkward, because i just am.
dan walked me home and we sat down on the curb outside bush and i cried. because i didn't even know it was the kentucky derby. because i won't see him for almost four months. because i don't know how i'll live without the antics of studio three five four. because the bdbs/atown girls weren't there and sometimes no one understands anything more than they can. because we all live in two very different, distinct worlds and we can never ever have them both.
the thing is, the kentucky derby used to be a big event in my family. my grandfather would send us money, and we would cut the horse's names and stats out of the paper and put them in a hat, then draw names. if one of your horses came in first, you got fifty dollars prize money, and thirty for second, and twenty for third, and twenty or ten for last. so everyone would choose their horses and we would all watch the race together and it was so much samkofamilyfun. almost four years ago my grandfather died, and we kept on doing it anyway. my mother did it as a kid, even. and so it was her way of remembering him, i think, and her mother and her brother, who all died when she was younger. last year was the first year we all didn't watch together, because tracey was in australia, but we picked horses for her, and it was ok. this year though i didn't even know that the race was happening. so i didn't go home, and i didn't even watch it.
i called my mother and i was checking away messages and someone's said "kentucky derby." and i said, "mommy, was it the kentucky derby today?" and it was, and she said she and mike watched it together and they each picked one horse and neither of them won. it was the saddest thing for me, to have missed it. tracey's graduating and i'm basically done with freshman year and petey took his sats on saturday and we're all so old, and i thought about my mother and how she's still in pain and the surgery didn't work, and i thought about my littlest brother and how soon he'll be there all by himself, when pete goes away. and how they watched it together and no one even called to see how it went, and how pete wasn't even there, and how my mother must have been so sad to think about her father and not even have this tribute to him.
and the more i thought about it, the sadder i got, and it was my second to last night at tufts, and i was packing and it's terrible. because i miss so much at home when i'm here and so much here when i'm at home. and all i could think about was my mother and leaving. we went out and i took it easier than usual with the drinking because of all the sadness and the hard times of the past few weeks. i wound up at a theater party and i was really awkward, because i just am.
dan walked me home and we sat down on the curb outside bush and i cried. because i didn't even know it was the kentucky derby. because i won't see him for almost four months. because i don't know how i'll live without the antics of studio three five four. because the bdbs/atown girls weren't there and sometimes no one understands anything more than they can. because we all live in two very different, distinct worlds and we can never ever have them both.