two thousand seventeen
happy new year.
being unemployed and at a loss as to the direction my immediate and future future should take, i'm surprisingly less worried than expected. the combination of laziness and a thus far reluctance to work for the sake of earning money have lent me a 'transition period' of three months, give or take, which i spent watching anime and reading manga, not making useful contributions at home, falling in and out of app games, classic stewing by the telly, further stewing with my mother, and continuing my trend of procrastinating on job hunting and applying to a master's program.
before i get depressingly detailed about how frankly amazing 2016 has been for anime, i want to catch my lj up with the 2017 eunice. i haven't written comfortably in such a long time that i'm afraid my ability to blog has long dried up, but i read the equivalent of a love letter to lj today. i guess i'm already entering the age to enjoy nostalgia; the power of a well written and well timed throwback was just enough to fuel me into logging back on, get distracted by fb, reddit, tumblr, yt, etc., redirect my focus back onto lj, and click the 'post new entry' button. i managed to conjure up material between the move from place a to place b but the fear a blank white page induces as it opens before me, as always, shocked me back into a state of empty-minded zen. it could also be the shitty distilled water i'm drinking though. tastes like watered down hydrogen peroxide, which basically tastes like shit. (back on track again. powered this time by raley's purified water. much better.) i don't know what struck the chord of nostalgia in me louder today than any other day. it might be the fong family tradition of fixing leaky roofs around new year's thing. or the walking through each aisle of safeway and remembering all the shit i used to eat thing. the sudden lyric from vitamin c's shitty ass graduation song playing in my mind. maybe the familiar cold of a late night spent in front of lj's unchanging new entry page. (that said, i hate how the paragraph writing is set to 1.5 spacing. fuck that.)
i certainly don't feel like i've changed much. in fact, people tell me that i'm still the same old. in reconnecting with old friends, however, i've noticed things that have changed and remained the same in others. having never been the type of good friend who made sure to keep in touch, i feel like i'm relearning some of them completely. it might just be rusty social skills, after failing to develop long term relationship skills and holing up at home for so long, but i find it funny that i have to start keeping mental records of who is doing what when where and how. maybe it's the every day nature of pre-college friendship, which allows you to engrave a friend's personality, behaviors, and responses into what seems like your very soul. or maybe i was never sincere enough in my friendship to begin with? these days, i feel like i'm constantly asking people what they are up to these days and lack the ability to just chat like before. the thinking before speaking happens more than ever. in that moment between neurons firing through synapses and vocalization, i feel like i've already considered every possible effect of my words, so that i can present the most interested fake familiar with your life story face i possibly can. it's not that i'm not genuinely interested to know they're up to, more that i forget how to 'be me' in front of them. these dead end conversations usually end up with painful awkward silences, as i become increasingly disingenuous and, in turn, boring. i don't even know if i completely understand my failure to socialize properly in that curiosity of group get together reconnection parties. is it the ambience of a group reunion that makes it difficult to chat? my own inability to make comfortable small talk? or my lack of interesting happenings right now that makes other people uncomfortable? has it simply been too long since i've interacted with large groups of friends? in any case, i'm glad to be in sacramento for a while to reconnect in a more long-termed way with friends. resolution number one for the new year: be my active in my friendships!
being unemployed and at a loss as to the direction my immediate and future future should take, i'm surprisingly less worried than expected. the combination of laziness and a thus far reluctance to work for the sake of earning money have lent me a 'transition period' of three months, give or take, which i spent watching anime and reading manga, not making useful contributions at home, falling in and out of app games, classic stewing by the telly, further stewing with my mother, and continuing my trend of procrastinating on job hunting and applying to a master's program.
before i get depressingly detailed about how frankly amazing 2016 has been for anime, i want to catch my lj up with the 2017 eunice. i haven't written comfortably in such a long time that i'm afraid my ability to blog has long dried up, but i read the equivalent of a love letter to lj today. i guess i'm already entering the age to enjoy nostalgia; the power of a well written and well timed throwback was just enough to fuel me into logging back on, get distracted by fb, reddit, tumblr, yt, etc., redirect my focus back onto lj, and click the 'post new entry' button. i managed to conjure up material between the move from place a to place b but the fear a blank white page induces as it opens before me, as always, shocked me back into a state of empty-minded zen. it could also be the shitty distilled water i'm drinking though. tastes like watered down hydrogen peroxide, which basically tastes like shit. (back on track again. powered this time by raley's purified water. much better.) i don't know what struck the chord of nostalgia in me louder today than any other day. it might be the fong family tradition of fixing leaky roofs around new year's thing. or the walking through each aisle of safeway and remembering all the shit i used to eat thing. the sudden lyric from vitamin c's shitty ass graduation song playing in my mind. maybe the familiar cold of a late night spent in front of lj's unchanging new entry page. (that said, i hate how the paragraph writing is set to 1.5 spacing. fuck that.)
i certainly don't feel like i've changed much. in fact, people tell me that i'm still the same old. in reconnecting with old friends, however, i've noticed things that have changed and remained the same in others. having never been the type of good friend who made sure to keep in touch, i feel like i'm relearning some of them completely. it might just be rusty social skills, after failing to develop long term relationship skills and holing up at home for so long, but i find it funny that i have to start keeping mental records of who is doing what when where and how. maybe it's the every day nature of pre-college friendship, which allows you to engrave a friend's personality, behaviors, and responses into what seems like your very soul. or maybe i was never sincere enough in my friendship to begin with? these days, i feel like i'm constantly asking people what they are up to these days and lack the ability to just chat like before. the thinking before speaking happens more than ever. in that moment between neurons firing through synapses and vocalization, i feel like i've already considered every possible effect of my words, so that i can present the most interested fake familiar with your life story face i possibly can. it's not that i'm not genuinely interested to know they're up to, more that i forget how to 'be me' in front of them. these dead end conversations usually end up with painful awkward silences, as i become increasingly disingenuous and, in turn, boring. i don't even know if i completely understand my failure to socialize properly in that curiosity of group get together reconnection parties. is it the ambience of a group reunion that makes it difficult to chat? my own inability to make comfortable small talk? or my lack of interesting happenings right now that makes other people uncomfortable? has it simply been too long since i've interacted with large groups of friends? in any case, i'm glad to be in sacramento for a while to reconnect in a more long-termed way with friends. resolution number one for the new year: be my active in my friendships!