normalization
last semester blues.
the fear of graduating and falling into a pit of wasted time, joblessness, and depression -- that's why asian parents are all about those jobs that give you a step by step how-to-guide into the ascent into middle upper class job positions, it's a pity i've never been 1) interested 2) motivated 3) hardworking enough to fit into one of those neatly carved slots.
three more weeks of an insane list of hw, projects, term papers, research papers, and finals to study for and then: freedom? or at least a false sample of it. not truly free when you're still financially dependent on your parents and don't have any marketable skills. but it's not about that really, more like freedom from the need to perform for a while; a short blip of time when you (once again, assuming that your parents aren't actually dependent on you) have the comfort of home to nest in, and a large stack of books to sit by and keep you company.
i recognize my own escapist tendencies. here's a list of shit i've watched the past two weeks trying to ignore the work i should be doing:
- moonlight kingdom
- hyouka
- noiseman sound insect
- madoka magica (first ep)
~
connections.
probably already wrote about this, but if i didn't, here's a list of the stuff i've broke/lost/had stole this past year. it's been pretty awful. cellphone, wallet (twice, with all my credit cards and ids inside), keys (found later), laptop(!!!), backpack, running shoes, mp3 player. i don't know what kind of year this is, or i'm finally unleashing all the absent-mindedness that has ever existed in me. in any case, it's weird how i sometimes get a sharp pane of longing for it. like a sudden sharp jab of memory that i fucking lost everything this semester ARGH
~
on the line.
arguing is so energy-wasting sometimes, i almost don't want to bother with trying to explain why police violence due to racism is real, or why the hk protest is important. do the houtarou and conserve battery life. i want to write more but i can't even spit out the thoughts mingling and mangled in my mind. just that it's so frustrating to try and talk about anything with anyone sometimes.