(no subject)
dark dissolutions
This academic semester is passing quickly, and despite my earlier proclamations of confidence and overweening ambition, my recent days have been fraught by bouts of apathy, procrastination and extreme sleep deprivation.
Sometimes I find myself attending a class only out a vague sense of duty. Occasionally I find myself missing a class in spite of it. It's a kind of dissonance within myself that I'm still working to reconcile. Usually I still kill myself to get assignments done on time when I shouldn't really have to.
Thankfully, my crises do not seem as wretched as that of some of my fellow collegians. Many of them appear entirely comfortable in their scholastic depravity.
The physical discomfort and mental strain from my self-created ordeals are not unendurable. My real worry, however, is that I am somehow doing some permanent trauma to myself that I may not be aware of until it is too late.
It's a genuine, persistent concern of mine. This type of aggregate self-harm seems like the kind that would pass undetected in the superficial, symptomatic diagnosis of Western medicine. In my head I often wonder what I would do if my heart decided to go on strike one day because it wasn't going to take my abuse any more.
If that happened I think I would apologize, vomit, and hope not to die.
This academic semester is passing quickly, and despite my earlier proclamations of confidence and overweening ambition, my recent days have been fraught by bouts of apathy, procrastination and extreme sleep deprivation.
Sometimes I find myself attending a class only out a vague sense of duty. Occasionally I find myself missing a class in spite of it. It's a kind of dissonance within myself that I'm still working to reconcile. Usually I still kill myself to get assignments done on time when I shouldn't really have to.
Thankfully, my crises do not seem as wretched as that of some of my fellow collegians. Many of them appear entirely comfortable in their scholastic depravity.
The physical discomfort and mental strain from my self-created ordeals are not unendurable. My real worry, however, is that I am somehow doing some permanent trauma to myself that I may not be aware of until it is too late.
It's a genuine, persistent concern of mine. This type of aggregate self-harm seems like the kind that would pass undetected in the superficial, symptomatic diagnosis of Western medicine. In my head I often wonder what I would do if my heart decided to go on strike one day because it wasn't going to take my abuse any more.
If that happened I think I would apologize, vomit, and hope not to die.