its fathers day
n i had a terrible night last night n i didnt sleep hardly @ all. things with johnny are absolutely awful n it hurts me alot remembering the way we were n comparing it 2 what ever the heck we r now. i dun think he really understands how much i hurt like i mean i dont believe he does bc if he did i dont believe he could keep doing it yeah know? i kno he is a great guy n i always expected us 2 last 4ever but, things now make me feel like he'd rather i fell off the planet. im trying 2 do the whole friend thing n i dun care about other girls but nothing seems 2 work n im running out of excuses for our horrible relationship. this blows. for the first time last night while i cried i realized the difference in a cry over someone u love n a cry over something not as important. usually when its not important u cry fast n the tears flow easily but last night when i thought about johnny n i's "relationship"(if u culd even call it that) i had only two tears. the first rolled down my right cheek unimaginably slowly almost like i didnt wana cry bc that meant i had to accept why i was crying n that was bc things r so wrong! it was like the tear didnt stop rolling until i stopped thinking about it, n even after u feel the stickiness of a tear on ur face was kind of like the shit still left on my heart n it put me n a bad mood, whatever. i duno wat 2 do anymore. so i wait n cry n stick it out n have fun when i can get away from things. if only ppl understood... now theres some wishful thinking...