(no subject)
I just don't know how much longer I can keep this up.
In the time I've worked in Oncology, I've known a lot of patients who have subsequently passed away. There have been a few to whom I've grown quite close. But until today, I don't think I've actually experienced a patient being close to death, in my presence. And it's so, so, so unsettling.
We have a patient I have seen every week since I started working here. I have seen him likely more than I have seen my parents in the past six months. A couple weeks ago, he told me he wasn't feeling so hot. And for this man to say that, he had to have been feeling poorly.
The past couple times I've seen him, he just...doesn't have that spark he always had. There's no smile. There's no twinkle in his eye.
Then, over the weekend, he ended up in the inpatient unit. Obviously never a good thing, but for him...just so final.
After I finished in the office tonight I went up with M, our flow nurse, to see him. And it took everything I had not to burst into tears upon walking into the room. All the machines aside, it's just...it's not him. He doesn't even look like himself. He's just waiting to go.
It's selfish to want to keep him here, when it's obvious he wants to pass peacefully.
I don't know how to feel.
In the time I've worked in Oncology, I've known a lot of patients who have subsequently passed away. There have been a few to whom I've grown quite close. But until today, I don't think I've actually experienced a patient being close to death, in my presence. And it's so, so, so unsettling.
We have a patient I have seen every week since I started working here. I have seen him likely more than I have seen my parents in the past six months. A couple weeks ago, he told me he wasn't feeling so hot. And for this man to say that, he had to have been feeling poorly.
The past couple times I've seen him, he just...doesn't have that spark he always had. There's no smile. There's no twinkle in his eye.
Then, over the weekend, he ended up in the inpatient unit. Obviously never a good thing, but for him...just so final.
After I finished in the office tonight I went up with M, our flow nurse, to see him. And it took everything I had not to burst into tears upon walking into the room. All the machines aside, it's just...it's not him. He doesn't even look like himself. He's just waiting to go.
It's selfish to want to keep him here, when it's obvious he wants to pass peacefully.
I don't know how to feel.