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so i got home today and....funny...kims a funny person...ive never seen such a turnaround in all my life...never have i seen someone or heard of anyone screamin throwing things and sendin her brother in law to the smaller one day...then the next shes trying hard to be decent and agreeing with everything and even cleaned the house.......where is this person everyday? anyways nothing came to the whole fight the other day...other then me in the smaller for 3 hours but thats all yea awesome i get the bad part of a husband and wife fight...awesome anyways ive been just downright bashed latley the more i see people in relationships and the tv show the king of queens the more i want afton back that much more but im certain it wont happen again i took me a nice long bike ride around my whole nieghborhood aside from getting nearly smeared by a gas tanker and 4 year old on a big wheel id have to say...that i hate alot of things about me and how i always get like this when me and afton arent together feels like my whole self is lost im sure people are sick of me whinning and bitching so all i have to say..dont read my lj then anyways while i was ridin i got deep down to thinkin....after i got off the bike because the seat was killin my left cheek so i stopped underneath this overpass thingy anyways got to thinking......why? why was it i got sucked in to loves sight and now i cant get out of it why is it that though afton is a wonderful person i couldnt be equally as wonderful to her why is it im positive she doesnt care anymore why the fuck is it that i had to lose someone like her and i cant get over it WHY.....well i know why because im weak like that every g/f...well the 3 ive had besides her i always was down when we broke up though not nearly as much as us but still when we didnt break things off it was still just as hard for me but not like this i cant stop thinking of her at all and yes i admit it i fucking hate it when i see her around other guys..sorry for bieng jelous and bieng over secure but when you love someone as much as her you tend to get a little over protective also i cant get this thought out of my head at all that there will be no more times at all that we wont get married that we wont live a happy life that nothing more will happen at all hell im almost positive we wont even talk this summer ive been holding back a lil on what i write on this untill now this is enough im tired of keepin it bottled up inside im fucking sick and tired of thinking reviewing seeing images in my head and knowing there isnt shit i cant do about...afton going to another guy and enjoying it and me....single once again like i said in my last post i dont have a million fucking people wanting me like her so im not certain as to if she knows what its like or not to know you dont have anyone who likes you it hurts even more that over a week of fightin and me not bieng able to go to prom we were done and i didnt get a second chane at this..we didnt talk it over we didnt try and work anything out just done....that simple it was just done also kinda sucks when ive had multiple people telling me she hooked up with a guy AT prom.....:sighs: anyways wether or not afton friends like to let this sink in that this is the damn honest truth and that im not doing this to just be able to do her again when people who have heard me cry on the phone because of afton and me breaking up when theyve seen me cry because of us breaking up and when people have had no choice but to hear me whine and worry over and over about us breaking up and it bieng that last time let this be the honest truth from deep down in me and im not saying this just to "get sum" but when i say i love her and i miss her alot i fucking mean that ok wether or not anyone wants to belive that then thats fine there isnt anything i can do about that shit but when ive been saying this over and over and people still say im only doing it for the you know what it kinda pisses me off that they say that i can clearley remember it was her decision to do it in the first place "i made her feel safe about it" is what i can recall afton saying after we were done the first time i can also clearley point out after this whole steve from work bullshit thing happend i have stopped all the shit i was doing before when we were together sure i gave her a kiss here and there but i cant help that i feel so fucking alone more then she did at prom i can garentee that shit see she knows i still lvoe her and if she doesnt then she fuckin blind me on the other hand i feel fucking alone no matter how many hugs ive gotten since the break up no matter how many times she said she missed or lvoed me which hasnt been to much but then again we are broken up its kinda sad when im at kyles house or out with him or ant or matt or anyone i start gettin all teary and shit and i cant help it i dont want this to be the end for us i dont want to be an asshole to her no more and i know damn well if i got just one more shot i wouldnt be all id have to do is remember this bullshit and id straighten right back up i dont want her friends hatin me hell i dont even want to even have had a memory of us breaking up that it never happend in the first fucking place place...i want afton back so fucking bad no one has no idea id break my fucking comp and do anything just to have her back PEOPLE YOU DONT HAVE A FUCKING CLUE HOW BAD I MISS AND LOVE AND WANT AFTON BACK SOOOO FUCKING BAD SO STOP PRETENDING YOU DO AND STOP SAYING IM DOING THIS TO GET SOME BECAUSE IM FUCKING NOT im doing this because i miss my baby and im scared to death that were over for good and she'll go off and find someone else and ill be stuck once again with bassicaly no heart left for another girl and wether or not anyone wants to beleive that w/e i know damn well i wouldnt find love in a nother girl again i know damn well i woudlnt find nayone even 1/4 as good as afton i just miss my baby and i want her back so bad :tears: and i just want things to just turn for the better for once we were doin pretty good for almost 4 months alot longer then almost all the times put together then this month happend and shit fell appart....but i guess last and this year have told me what i want and how i feel dont mean shit at all and it doesnt fucking matter to whoever reads this that im feeling this way and that i should have tried alot harder like ho wi want to now but....now is to late i guess...:tear: now..wont happen i used to think about me and afton before and how lucky i was to be with her and i still know im lucky to even fucking know her...but now...i think of us and all i can invision is her with someone else....thats whats been bothering me more then anything even yesterday it seems so real that shes sick of me it seems so real shes done and she only wants to just be friends from now on...it seems so real...she doesnt love me i could be wron gand i hope i am! but i guess ill only find out from her thats if we ever talk outside of school again.....i love you afton maryjoe neefe...i love you more then you will ever know i never saw us like how we are now and i cant appologize enough all i can do now is just say i love you and im so...fucking...sorry...for everything i dont want this to be the end for us.....this is pointless what i want doesnt matter anymore i got dealt a good person and i fucked it up now i have to live with what i did i may even have to live :shiver: without her thats what hurts so much..i fucking hate me