Been Meaning to post this for ages!
Welcome to this, the first issue of "Who actually does that?" With me, your host, Gigawatt Jones, a failed job seeker of thirty years, and now a freelance journalist. In my years I have sought employment in a staggeringly large amount of places. I am by no means a greedy or fussy man, I applied for any job on offer, across thousands of career paths. My search for employ has taken me to every corner of the planet. I have applied for jobs many of you will perhaps doubt exist. Unfortunately, possessing no talents, skills, or resources, I was met at every avenue by kind excuses, thinly veiled disgust, and once or twice actual boiling water. Ah the emotional (and physical) scars are fading, yet I retain all that I have learned from these arduous years. I now see my purpose. I seek to help you, the reader, understand the world of employment, and thereby, avoid some of the hardships I have faced. And who better to explore the confusing and depressing world of employment then someone confused, depressed and unemployed? Er, I mean, who better than a man with such an intimate and thorough knowledge of the job-seeker's world? And how better to combat failure? By embrasing success! Thus, I give you, "Who actually does that?", an intimate look into the lives of some of the world's fortunate working class.
The first issue shall examine the life of a young lady named Ditsy Softlips. Ditsy works for Friction, an adult novelty design and manufacturing company. When I heard of her amazing and unusual job I knew immediately it would be the perfect thing to spark my readers attention for this first issue. I immediately called Ditsy to arrange a meeting.
I met her at a cafe a short distance from her office. Ditsy arrived precisely on time for our meeting - very professional, I always like to see that. She was dressed fairly casually, with a white button shirt and denim jeans. She declined my offer of a coffee, choosing a glass of cool water instead, saying that she liked to keep her pallet fresh for the morning ahead.
"Ah, excellent, very professional Miss Softlips." I said.
"Thanks." She giggled as she sat down at our table, "I like to be at the top of my game when starting out"
"Firstly, thank you for agreeing to be interviewed, I know you must be anxious to start your day"
"Its no problem Mr Jones, I love my work, and I'm thrilled about the chance to tell everyone what I do."
"So, can you start by telling our readers your formal job title"
"Oh, sure thing. I'm called an Oral Contraceptive Device Consultant"
"And, could you describe your job for us?"
She look a long sip of water, and looked at me over the top of the glass with her smoldering eyes.
"Well," she said, "Basically, I'm a flavored condom taste tester."
"Ahah, so you... um... just put them in your mouth and taste them."
"Well not quite, " She said with a giggle. "They need to be unwrapped and placed around an object of a typical shape and size to achieve the maximum realism"
"I see." I said. "So, you use male... um, models?"
"Oh no!" She said with a laugh, "Nothing like that. We use special Manhood Maniquins. God, I imagine that Friction would get closed down if they tried to make us do that!"
I relaxed a little after hearing this "Yes, I imagine they would! But, doesn't using Manuqines overcomplicate things? I mean, its flavor you are interested in most right?"
"Well, yes thats true, flavor is a big part of our work. But it goes far beyond that. We need to explore the texture, the lastability, and the affect of things like friction and tension. There are so many subtle aspects of condom taste testing that most people do not understand."
"Well I'm certainly one of them I can tell you"
"Oh, so you have never tried.."
"Absolutely not!"
"You really should you know... especially with the latest range of products that are out these days."
"Really, uhum, well I'm not sure I -"
"French Toast."
"Excuse me?"
"French Toast. Thats what we have been working on, at the moment."
"I see"
"I *love* french toast."
"What else are you working on right now?"
"Hrm, well there isn't much I can really talk about. You know, company secrets and all that."
"Oh, surely you can give me something" I pleeded, turning all ten minutes of my interviewing experience on her
She laughed - it was obviously working. "Well I *can* tell you a few things. There is our new Butternut Pumpkin Soup, and there is Double Chocolate Chip Ice Cream. I've heard something about a new christmas themed range. Roast Turkey, Fruit Cake, that kind of thing."
"Thats amazing! I had no idea the range was the diverse"
"So you are interested? I could arange a sample package for you if you like."
"Um, why don't you tell me more about tasting itself."
"The human tongue has four different taste areas," she said. "Each of which can detect a different flavor. As the condom moves over the different sections of the mouth, different taste areas come into contact, each adding to the flavor. Now there are hundreds of different techniques commonly used by consumers of our product, as I'm sure you are aware"
"Sure." I lied.
"And each technique causes different taste areas to be activated. Different techniques affect the flavors in subtle ways. So we have to make sure we constantly review and refine the techniques we use in the tastings in order to better support our customers.
"So you have learned a lot during your time with Friction?
"Oh yes. Definitely." She said, grinning naughtily at me.
"Um, so there is lots of, er, field research?"
"Well, there is a whole separate research team for that sort of thing."
"Perhaps we could talk to someone from there next time?"
"Sure if you like. But I find those girls a bit too slutty really. They don't actually do any tasting. Did you know that professional wine tasters have more than thirty criteria they need to look for when they taste wine?"
"Yes I did. Tasting wine is a skill that takes years to learn."
"Yes well it's just like that."
"So then you were provided with training"
"Friction takes the creation of its flavored condoms very seriously - they don't cut any corners. All the girls and boys are well trained in the art of Condom Taste Testing."
"Boys? So there are male tasters as well?
"Oh yes, the male homosexual demographic is thoroughly supported. Men and Women usually have subtly different tastebud arrangements. My employer is very thorough. Thats why our flavored condoms are the best."
"Do you find interacting with the male taste testers difficult?"
"No, not really, everyone gets on alright. The guys always come up with the best techniques though, let me tell you!"
"So how did you become involved with tasting?"
"Oh in the usual way I guess. I found out about the job advertised through an employment agency, so I did some research online and taught myself, with the help of a few friends. Friction's HR department took a look at my resume and said I was perfect. Its the only time I haven't had to lie on my resume to get a job." she laughed.
I've never gotten a job before, lies or no lies. "Perhaps you could get a job there for me?" I asked hopefully.
"Hrm, well I don't think it would work. You aren't gay are you?"
"No, I'm not."
Nevertheless I continued with the interview.
"Tell me Ditsy, how does your job help the community"
She giggled again "Do you really need to ask that question Jones? Think of the thousands of couples able to enjoy full and active sex lives due to the exquisite variety of taste sensations that Friction produces. They just couldn't produce the kind of quality goods that they do without us tasters."
"How do you interract with your peers"
"Fairly well I guess. Everyone is always looks forward to the tastings, and no one has to do anything they wouldn't be doing normally."
"How has your job changed over time"
"Well, I remember when I first started working there the Maniquins were very crude, and weren't much like the real thing at all. The technology has improved alot since then. Things like the shape and texture are nearly perfect. They can even get things like the tempurature right. And its improving all the time, soon you won't be able to tell the difference. I guess the flavors have changed too. In the old days it was all meat and two veg. The products have changed a lot since I started."
"what does the future hold for your career"
"People are always going to want Oral Contraceptive Devices. People certainly are having sex more all the time, so our market isn't going to dry up any time soon. In fact, quite the opposite. Its the golden age of oral sex, and friction is a leader in providing the tools for the job.
"What would you say is the most challenging thing about your work"
"Hrm, well every now and then someone will come up with a flavor thats really just awful, and not well thought out. One time they wanted us to try their new tuna flavors. Ugh, that was awful. We certainly had a long list of recommendations that day.
"How does your job affect your personal life"
"Well I have a boyfriend, and he doesn't seem to mind what I do at all. He takes a fairly keen intrest in my work, and always wants to know what I've been up to every day. When something is being rushed out we have to work very hard, and sometimes I have to bring my work home. But he is good about it, and is always happy to help me out. Researching the new techniques with me is something he enjoys too.
"Um, I see." I said nerviously.
"I think thats everything for now Miss Softlips. But thank you once again for your time."
"It was a pleasure Jones" she said, smiling again through her big red lips.
"Who actually does that?" will return next week, after the reporter takes a cold shower.