questions
do you think pirates are cool or overrated?
pirates are cool AND overrated. Especially asian pirates of the 18th century who do kung fu. I suppose actual pirates are drunken rapists who kill for sport, but if thats what they have to do, im glad theyre doing it out on the water. Privateers are cool, cause theyre like the navy in sunglasses.
What jewelry are you wearing?
im not wearing any jewelry. I think that maybe a lot of people who get penis rings dont do it because of its aesthetic or tactile value, they just want to be the crazy guy with a decorative hole in their cock. I know if I had one id try to slip it into conversations.
Are you smiling?
Im not currently smiling. I have recently learned to smile semi-on-command in such a way that i DO NOT look like a serial killer. Before, any non-genuine smile just looked really forced and awful. The secret is that your eyes need to be having fun. As I talk about it, i find myself unable to do it. Smiles should never be self-aware, they will rise up against us.
Do you own a hacksaw?
Maybe? Theres a lot of shit in the garage that I dont really keep track of. Many years ago i worked at a gas station and a guy traded me a working power saw for a couple dollars of gas. At the time it seemed like a no brainer, but i never used it, and dont even know where it is now.
Craziest place youve ever had sex?
I have never had sex outside. I have however had sex in rooms with other people unaware that sex was happening under their nose. I have also had sex in bathrooms at parties, but i guess maybe thats pretty standard? Ive had arguments with friends about having sex at the bottom of a childrens slide at a park. I think maybe that its like going to the moon, its cool to say youve been, but when youre actually there, you can jump high, and then you just want to go home.
Can you blow yourself?
I cannot literally blow myself. It seems to be taken for granted that if men had the ability to blow themself, they would all the time. I would not. I have no idea where that thing has been. I dont know if its latent homophobia, or what, but i am definitely in the minority who thinks that having a mouth on my penis is not worth having a penis in my mouth. However, if push came to shove im pretty sure i could give another guy a handjob. I guess its just familiar territory.
Whats your favorite TV show?
Hard to say. I watch more television than anyone should be proud to admit. Im super excited about this cartoon coming out called "Archer", but since im the only person in the world who saw the sneak preview pilot, that doesnt say a lot about me (other than that i enjoy cartoons). Theres a lot of really good voice acting talent on that show, which got me wondering, are there any actors who work exclusively as voice-actors? and what would have to be wrong with you that you couldnt get work as an actual actor? Im working on this.
Do you have rigidity, tremor, jerking arm movements, or involuntary movements of the limbs?
I do not. Those things sound pretty cool and romantic, but im sure that if i actually had to deal with that on a day to day basis it would become unbelievably tiresome quickly. I think that involuntary movements of the limbs is a nice place to visit, but i wouldnt want to live there. Like if it just happened for a few hours, and went away, and i knew it wasnt coming back or symptomatic of demons trying to eat their way out of my body, then that would be pretty cool.
Do you like to hang out in the bushes next to bike paths?
Im pretty sure that I do not have the patience to be a predator of any kind. Or do stake outs. Heres something: they should just have some sort of camera hooked up to a computer, or some sort of motion sensor, so that they can read a book, or take a nap, but get alerted if something happens/changes. I think my favorite thing about a stake-out would be eating thai food out of a carry out container in the car. You cant do that while lurking a bike path though, too much evidence.