(no subject)
I would wait until tonight to update, but this day already has been a joke so I might as well get some shit off my chest. I wake up (not feeling so hot), to go to class. I get to class and what do you know, it's canceled. So I get back on the bus and head back. I'm sitting on the bus and I just start crying, I'm sure the girl next to me thought I was crazy but hey I am crazy so it's nothing new. I don't get what my deal is. Seriously, I just wanted to stand up and fucking scream and run of the bus, I always just want to scream. I am just having a real hard time with being here and it freaks me out that I am crying and shit...all the time. AndI know that when I get home it is not all going to be perfect, but I will feel better than I am right now. My mind is going crazy right now and I am trying to cover it up. I just want to be close to the people at home again. I miss just being next to someone. Such a weird thing to say.
I walk around this city and think to myself "what the fuck?!" But what can you do. And then Nick told me last night that I don't talk enough and that he feels awkward living here in the apartment. I guess I really didn't know what to say. I just feel like i should keep the shit to myself because I feel like I don't have many good things to say. That sounds bad but I don't want to bother him with all the shit that is going on in my head, I don't even like bothering myself with it. It drives me crazy. I have just been having so many mixed feelings for so long that I don't even know what I am feeling right now. AHHHHH. I never mean to not tell him things, I just feel like he may not understand...I don't even know.
I want to quit my job so bad but I don't know if I can afford it right now. I have to work tomorrow and sunday morning at 6am, dumb. That place just fucks me up too, I hate thinking about it and when I get there, it is an instant downer, just what I need right now. I should try and find something else for the next month, I should just fucking quit this coming tuesday, fuck it, I don't even want to go in this weekend, but I will....I just keep saying you are working for your brother, he is coming to see you. I can't wait to see him it definitely helps me out knowing that he is coming here.
I got another e-mail from Cole today, I love hearing from him. I seriously CAN NOT WAIT TO GET TO L.A. ! It is going to be so nice to see him again! I miss that kid som much, it was one of the hardest things to see him go but I know what he is doing is what he loves and I am so happy for him. Latley, everything has really been coming up for him, and the band, I am so happy for him.
But it is already 1 and I need to go work out. Working out helps me out a lot, I consider it my medicine.(Besides music and talking to people back home) We will see what happens tonight, it should be interesting. I have to work at 6 am tomorrow and I know I don't want to feel like shit in the morning. A part of me says fuck it go out and just be hungover, but I don't even feel like drinking, it just bring shit up in my head and I "get weird" or more weird....whatever, and money is an issue, who knows.
Sorry for the negativity,
~Michelle
"See all those people on the ground, waisting time. Try to hold it all inside, just for tonight...something is missing, what do I know. And now it seems that I have found, nothing at all. Want to hear your voice out loud, without it all, I'm chocking on nothing, it's clear in my head I'm screaming for something...on my own" ~Bert
I walk around this city and think to myself "what the fuck?!" But what can you do. And then Nick told me last night that I don't talk enough and that he feels awkward living here in the apartment. I guess I really didn't know what to say. I just feel like i should keep the shit to myself because I feel like I don't have many good things to say. That sounds bad but I don't want to bother him with all the shit that is going on in my head, I don't even like bothering myself with it. It drives me crazy. I have just been having so many mixed feelings for so long that I don't even know what I am feeling right now. AHHHHH. I never mean to not tell him things, I just feel like he may not understand...I don't even know.
I want to quit my job so bad but I don't know if I can afford it right now. I have to work tomorrow and sunday morning at 6am, dumb. That place just fucks me up too, I hate thinking about it and when I get there, it is an instant downer, just what I need right now. I should try and find something else for the next month, I should just fucking quit this coming tuesday, fuck it, I don't even want to go in this weekend, but I will....I just keep saying you are working for your brother, he is coming to see you. I can't wait to see him it definitely helps me out knowing that he is coming here.
I got another e-mail from Cole today, I love hearing from him. I seriously CAN NOT WAIT TO GET TO L.A. ! It is going to be so nice to see him again! I miss that kid som much, it was one of the hardest things to see him go but I know what he is doing is what he loves and I am so happy for him. Latley, everything has really been coming up for him, and the band, I am so happy for him.
But it is already 1 and I need to go work out. Working out helps me out a lot, I consider it my medicine.(Besides music and talking to people back home) We will see what happens tonight, it should be interesting. I have to work at 6 am tomorrow and I know I don't want to feel like shit in the morning. A part of me says fuck it go out and just be hungover, but I don't even feel like drinking, it just bring shit up in my head and I "get weird" or more weird....whatever, and money is an issue, who knows.
Sorry for the negativity,
~Michelle
"See all those people on the ground, waisting time. Try to hold it all inside, just for tonight...something is missing, what do I know. And now it seems that I have found, nothing at all. Want to hear your voice out loud, without it all, I'm chocking on nothing, it's clear in my head I'm screaming for something...on my own" ~Bert