Hey there! I’m stepping in as editor-on-the-fly, so I am not sure what kind of edit you requested for this. I’ll go gentle on you, just in case. If you didn’t want a grammar edit, I apologize in advance. Let’s get started!
-Eyes on the electronic tablet in front of her, Jillian did the math in her head. “So, you’ve been here for… six months now?” two things here: first of all, ellipses require a space both before and after the set of dots. Also, instead of “eyes”, next time try “gaze” or some such. Otherwise it gives one a literal impression of someone’s eyes on something. :)
- He wrung his long, thin fingers together one moment, and then absent-mindedly picked at his eyebrows the next. you can choose either “and” or “then” but both are not necessary. And “absentmindedly” is not a hyphenate.
- “But[ ] I’m sort of holding out that [M]other will change her mind and let me move back in with her.
-Lower lip now trembling, Wesley replied[ ] in what Jillian would later realize was a laughable attempt at a seductive voice, “Are you sure they didn’t send you to perform a… physical examination?”
- Even so, she remembered her training [ ] and let her right hand slip toward her purse.
-“I think you’ll find, Mr. Baumgartner, that I’m immune to your Venom[,]” Jillian huffed.
-“I had no idea. Oh[, G]od.
This was such a cute and inventive story! I can see a possibility here for a continuation; this was very enjoyable and had real heart and warmth! On a technical note, I would like to see you pay more attention to the words you use when you describe your characters: you use a lot of adverbs and adjectives in your writing, and contrary to instinct, it can actually detract from the mental picture you want to project. You have a vivid writing style; you can trust yourself-and your readers-that we understand your point. You do not have to use every word in the thesaurus to describe Wesley as a pale sort of loser. I would caution you that less is more, and to employ some self editing skills, in both character description and also in the way you describe them talking (ly words can overwhelm style).
But that is something that is easily improved upon. This story is VERY charming. I thoroughly enjoyed the plot, and the pacing was just right-something that I often struggle with as a writer, and so I admit I envy that you are such a dab hand at. In all, a story to be proud of. Well done!
-Eyes on the electronic tablet in front of her, Jillian did the math in her head. “So, you’ve been here for… six months now?” two things here: first of all, ellipses require a space both before and after the set of dots. Also, instead of “eyes”, next time try “gaze” or some such. Otherwise it gives one a literal impression of someone’s eyes on something. :)
- He wrung his long, thin fingers together one moment, and then absent-mindedly picked at his eyebrows the next. you can choose either “and” or “then” but both are not necessary. And “absentmindedly” is not a hyphenate.
- “But[ ] I’m sort of holding out that [M]other will change her mind and let me move back in with her.
-Lower lip now trembling, Wesley replied[ ] in what Jillian would later realize was a laughable attempt at a seductive voice, “Are you sure they didn’t send you to perform a… physical examination?”
- Even so, she remembered her training [ ] and let her right hand slip toward her purse.
-“I think you’ll find, Mr. Baumgartner, that I’m immune to your Venom[,]” Jillian huffed.
-“I had no idea. Oh[, G]od.
This was such a cute and inventive story! I can see a possibility here for a continuation; this was very enjoyable and had real heart and warmth! On a technical note, I would like to see you pay more attention to the words you use when you describe your characters: you use a lot of adverbs and adjectives in your writing, and contrary to instinct, it can actually detract from the mental picture you want to project. You have a vivid writing style; you can trust yourself-and your readers-that we understand your point. You do not have to use every word in the thesaurus to describe Wesley as a pale sort of loser. I would caution you that less is more, and to employ some self editing skills, in both character description and also in the way you describe them talking (ly words can overwhelm style).
But that is something that is easily improved upon. This story is VERY charming. I thoroughly enjoyed the plot, and the pacing was just right-something that I often struggle with as a writer, and so I admit I envy that you are such a dab hand at. In all, a story to be proud of. Well done!
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