"I Can Explain..."
Brigit's Flame: May Just for Fun Contest
Prompt: Corona
Title: "I Can Explain...."
Wordcount/warnings: 758 words, rated PG
Author: Graham Patrick Smith
“Fergus! What happened here?!” Fergus heard Father McCollum cry, and the sound of boots on grass quickly approached behind him.
Fergus swallowed nervously and kneaded his hands together. He had ( Read more... )
I really have very few criticisms of this entry. I loved the dialogue. It was very natural and had a wonderful flow to it. The whole rhythm of this story was wonderful! The characters were very believable, nothing over-the-top or cliche. It was far more realistic that the Father was disappointed that the barn was burning, but not shaming or screaming at the boy.
The few tweaks I suggest:
1. It would make more sense for the Father to ask who and what was accounted for before asking what happened. I assumed he knew everyone was okay by his primary concern being about the 'how' rather than whether everyone/thing was okay.
2. I would have the boy hugging his chest or doing something to camouflage that he has a living creature in his coat earlier on in the piece. The end caught me a bit off-guard and not in a good way. Give us a hint that the source of the blaze has something to do with his jacket when the Father first arrives on scene.
3. Make the following edits:
Already Fergus was making a list of things he would have to do that evening, in addition to helping Father McCollum unload the goods from the cart: (change the period here to a colon)
First, find out what had happened to Caneil, Harriette, and Regina; (semi-colon)
Second,dispose of the brown egg shell pieces in his bedroom; (semi-colon)
Third, figure out how to muzzle a dragon hatchling.
I changed the 'Number One', etc., to First, etc.. to simplify the punctuation here.
Great job! I loved it. :)
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