Trigger Finger
Brigit's Flame - February 2012, week 1 entry
Prompt: Thank you
Title: Trigger Finger
Wordcount: ~1700, rated PG-13 for mild language and violent imagery
Author: Graham Smith (chuck_the_plant)
My ears filled with thunder when she pulled the trigger. She blinked involuntarily against the sound and her shoulders moved less than they did the last ( Read more... )
Let's talk about the exposition Bellumina brought up. It is a lot of information, but it's pretty necessary, and it's presented very well. You did a great job of presenting the facts of the universe while also introducing us to your characters. I didn't have a problem with the length of the exposition - you weren't giving us the life story of minor characters, after all - but I can see how slang_jockey would have been expecting a longer piece after that. And this is a story that could be drawn out, given more details, expanded almost infinitely.
Now, on to the argument scene. I think that was overall very plausible! Just a couple of small notes about it. First, "I glanced to the south and noticed a large barn a few miles away." Unless your narrator has astoundingly good vision and the large barn is the size of a metropolis, I doubt ou could really see it a few miles away. Also, that speaks to the distance ou could walk in a day: if they've been on the run for a year, they're probably both in great shape, but they're hungry, and though you never mention what time of the day the story opens in, I imagine it to be afternoon. A few miles is an awfully long way to go, carrying a stockpile of guns and whatever other supplies (I imagine a bit of clothing, the sleeping bag you mentioned, some dishes for whatever food they might find, matches?) on an empty stomach. Finally, when Sasha leaves, I fully expected the narrator to give her some supplies, though we don't know what she's carrying anyway, of course. At least a gun, whether she can use it well or not - if all else fails, she can bash in a head with the butt of a gun better than her bare hands, right?
And the final scene! Very strong emotions in this. I don't have much to say about the content, just a general remark that I find it very telling that the narrator thinks first of ouself in danger. My first thought was, "There's a zombie downstairs and Sasha's going to try to kill it." My second thought was, "If it's not a zombie, is she going to kill herself or the narrator? Shoot wildly into the air to attract the zombies so they both die? Or so they fight together and bond again?" But that's just a comment for your information and not really a helpful editing remark in the slightest.
Now, I believe you wanted grammar looked over as well. As I was just reading the entry, not looking for grammar mistakes, only two things stood out to me. First: “Pack your stuff. Were leaving,” That should be We're leaving. The second was that you had a few sentence fragments and run-on sentences, but they didn't detract from the enjoyment of the story. I will try to come back later today to actually look for grammar things for you, but hey, only one thing that caught my eye, and that a simple typo? I don't expect to find too much more to tell you about.
Excellent story, Chuck! Good plot - I don't think I've read a zombiepocalypse story like it before - and well-written to boot. I would enjoy meeting these characters again sometime. Thank you for sharing it with us, and good luck in the polls!
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