Fucking Jealousy
nobody knows about this dumb journal anymore so I can start writing in it again without feeling too emo.
I've always been so self-conscious and afraid of being screwed over. my two serious boyfriends both cheated on me, and a two month-er, whom I did really care about anyway, found someone else. What does that say about me, I wonder? hm.
I've been dating Adam for four months and to be frank I'm crazy about the guy. I really love him and I feel like we're in a secure relationship, and yet..I'm still really scared. It's not just the relationships I've been cheated on in, it's the security. My dad walked out on me, my mother has lost a large percentage of her sanity, and I've never had a good relationship with either of my sisters. Never hung out with kids as a child. I really am emotionally retarded. I don't know how to show my feelings or to accept when I'm in a good place in my life. It really confuses me. Scares me.
Tonight is his last day of his summer college program, and I went down to see his art exhibit. While eating sushi later he told me I should probably go home around 5-7 so he could hang out with "the guys". I had originally told him he should do that period, and I'd just see him the next day so I was totally 100% cool with it. What bothered me was he seemed to feel really guilty. I just glued it to his nature. But later I found out other girls were going to be going along with the guys. Okay, writing it down I feel dumber and dumber but fuck it. I felt kind of weird. I wouldn't even want to go, but at the same time..if other girls are going, why not me? He seemed to really want me to leave. Why? I knew he was really comfortable with some of them and I really began to feel sick. I didn't say anything and did the best I could to act normal but for some reason it really fucking bothered me. I felt like it was going to be his last night with a girl on the side. I saw one girl that had a similar build to me, but a bit skinnier and somewhat larger boobs that he talked about a lot. she was really cute.
I asked my mom if she would be angry. she said yes. I asked my good friend Kara. She said she'd be infuriated. I don't know if I'm in the right or the wrong but I'm so opposed to stupid jealous girlfriends. I hang out with a lot of guys at work as like. my best friends but not outside and not alone. I know he'd be extremely paranoid if I did, and yet he wants to. I don't know I'm just so paranoid.
maybe I should just be alone.
I've always been so self-conscious and afraid of being screwed over. my two serious boyfriends both cheated on me, and a two month-er, whom I did really care about anyway, found someone else. What does that say about me, I wonder? hm.
I've been dating Adam for four months and to be frank I'm crazy about the guy. I really love him and I feel like we're in a secure relationship, and yet..I'm still really scared. It's not just the relationships I've been cheated on in, it's the security. My dad walked out on me, my mother has lost a large percentage of her sanity, and I've never had a good relationship with either of my sisters. Never hung out with kids as a child. I really am emotionally retarded. I don't know how to show my feelings or to accept when I'm in a good place in my life. It really confuses me. Scares me.
Tonight is his last day of his summer college program, and I went down to see his art exhibit. While eating sushi later he told me I should probably go home around 5-7 so he could hang out with "the guys". I had originally told him he should do that period, and I'd just see him the next day so I was totally 100% cool with it. What bothered me was he seemed to feel really guilty. I just glued it to his nature. But later I found out other girls were going to be going along with the guys. Okay, writing it down I feel dumber and dumber but fuck it. I felt kind of weird. I wouldn't even want to go, but at the same time..if other girls are going, why not me? He seemed to really want me to leave. Why? I knew he was really comfortable with some of them and I really began to feel sick. I didn't say anything and did the best I could to act normal but for some reason it really fucking bothered me. I felt like it was going to be his last night with a girl on the side. I saw one girl that had a similar build to me, but a bit skinnier and somewhat larger boobs that he talked about a lot. she was really cute.
I asked my mom if she would be angry. she said yes. I asked my good friend Kara. She said she'd be infuriated. I don't know if I'm in the right or the wrong but I'm so opposed to stupid jealous girlfriends. I hang out with a lot of guys at work as like. my best friends but not outside and not alone. I know he'd be extremely paranoid if I did, and yet he wants to. I don't know I'm just so paranoid.
maybe I should just be alone.